Maids v Weston (away)

Maids v Weston (away)

It’s been a tough couple of months for Maids RFC- the devastating loss of our DoR, Tony Brooks has coincided with a poor run of form on the pitch, which has seen our hopes of promotion fade away, as 2nd placed Bournemouth have stolen a march. An increasing injury list and the emotional turmoil of losing a character like Tony has taken it’s toll on everyone associated with the squad, but with 2 games remaining, it’s time to dust ourselves down, stop feeling sorry for ourselves and ensure we finish as strongly as possible, in what, overall, has been a fantastic return to level 5 rugby for the club.

Away from the pitch, the squad have stayed tight throughout- fancy dress socials, birdbath bus trips and daily prank phone calls to Batesy have kept spirits high, and we’ve even managed to go over half a season without being banned by the new coach company, result! There are have been some excellent personal contributions to social life at MRFC since the last preview, with some highlights below;

Young McGregor took a 36-hour tour of Amsterdam airport, opting to extend tour for an extra day, on his own, Cadden continues to have his romantic advances firmly rebuffed by Ellie Birch, the mop attack on Jack Hill the latest incident to set him back, whilst rumours continue to grow that Fwankie has successfully escaped from Meeester Gaweth’s basement, only to be trafficked to the Mars factory, where he is currently handcuffed to Lewis ‘Pumba’ Jones’ personal chocolate production machine.

Moving on to this week’s game, Maids travel to Weston Super Mare, for their final away match of the season, desperate to finish with a flourish. When the teams met at Braywick before Xmas, Weston were comfortably put to the sword, winning 70-26, but everyone knows there will be no repeat of that score line this time round. Based on a rock solid set piece, led by props Sam Coles and Ollie Streeter, the home side will look to use their dangerous rolling maul from the lineout, which Maids need to be acutely aware of. In the backline, former Saints player Glenn Dickson lines up at 12, outside of playmaker and goal kicker James McKay.

After Ryan Long secured his 100th cap last week, we have another new centurion, in the form of Mark ‘Chilli’ Childerhouse. Chilli joined the club in 2012 from local rivals High Wycombe, and despite fierce competition for his shirt over the past 5 years, it is testament to his outstanding commitment, desire and ability that he has racked up 100 1st XV appearances in such a short time. There have been times where he has been asked to bench, or to play in the 2s, and in true clubman spirit, he never moans, instead putting everything in to helping the team succeed. Until his recent engagement with Amy, Chilli was an avid member of the social scene at Maids, often found with limited clothes at the back of bus, slurping bodily fluids- his own and others. We very much hope the Braywick crowd show their appreciation for a fantastic player and servant to the club, who will no doubt be found at the front of the stand, wind milling in front of his parents.


 Weston team:

1.       Coles

2.       Bird

3.       Streeter

4.       Glen

5.       Russell

6.       Kingscott

7.       Crossman

8.       Sugg

9.       Bennett

10.   Mackay

11.   Watkins

12.   Dickson

13.   Nel

14.   Morgan

15.   Jones

16.   Bennett

17.   Turton

18.   Tuttiett


Maids team (1st XV caps in brackets):

1.       M Parrott (c) (178)

2.       R Barber (16)

3.       A Darlington (20)

4.       S Hallett (23)

5.       S Churchyard (73)

6.       Greene (3)

7.       Leonard (22)

8.       Macaulay (35)

9.       Childerhouse (101)

10.   Lubbock (debut)

11.   Roddick (10)

12.   French (17)

13.   Keohane (86)

14.   Blewitt (10)

15.   Prince (34)

16.   L Jones (78)

17.   M Grimshaw (4)

18.   Ellis (7)


Come on you Maids!


Maidenhead v Ivybridge (away)

Maidenhead v Ivybridge (away)

Buoyed by consecutive home victory number 30 last Saturday, Maids are back on the road this week, as they make the long descent down the South West, to take on Ivybridge. Maidenhead were far from their best 7 days ago against Lydney, but huge credit must go to the visitors, who fronted up, and made life extremely difficult for Maids, despite their lowly position in the table. Fellow basement-boys, Hornets recorded just their 4th victory of the campaign in the last round, overcoming tomorrow’s opponents, by 23-16, so we know that Ivybridge will be desperate to bounce back, and return to their previous good form.

In the reverse fixture, despite missing players through injury and unavailability, Ivybridge provided one of the sternest tests so far at Braywick, and actually led at half time, before the Maids pack took control to win 26-20. Both Scoles and Ackerman- two of the dangermen last time round, are absent from the Ivyridge lineup this week, but accomplished kicker Mitch Pinkus reverts to full back, with Billy Pinkus and Adam Willow filling the wing spots. Player-coach Paterson at centre is one to watch out for, whilst upfront, skipper Matt Finn at tighthead will be tasked with giving his boys a platform, in what looks to be tricky conditions.

There are a few changes in the Maids team this week, with Laurence Leonard moving to the back row, but it is his birdbath partner, Tom King, who we caught up with this week, to learn a little more about…

*Name/nicknames- ‘Kingy’, ‘Mike King’, ‘Wayne King’, ‘ASBO Alan’, ‘Supreme Aryan’, ‘Bertie’s Boy’.

*Position(s)- Back row/hands behind my back in handcuffs.

*Occupation- Tea boy for Piers Morgan/Sesh Gremlin

*Which Maids teammate would you least like to be stuck on a desert island with, and why? Dave ‘The Flake’ Cole- he’d slope off as soon as any form of hard work was required.

* Which Maids teammate would you most like to be stuck on a desert island with, and why? Laurence Leonard, so we could hold hands on the beach, practise our birdbaths and roam naked round the island.

*What’s your favourite TV Programme? I love watching the video of my cage fight where I got knocked out.

*What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? Arson, GBH and ballroom dancing. I also enjoy trolling the local Maidenhead Advertiser reporter, Graeme Copas, on Twitter.

*If you could be any animal, what would you be and why? I’d be a dolphin, so I could partake in more orgies- much like the physio room on a Thursday night.

*What would you like to achieve this season, both personally, and as a team? Get off pub watch, 100% tackle completion, and reach the playoffs.

Maids welcome back Sam Hallett to the lineup, who has returned from his stock run to Amsterdam, ready for the rave bus back from Ivybridge, and he partners ‘Rubber-band Sam’ Churchyard in the 2nd row, who is allowed on the bus, now that youngster (victim) Louis Ellis is unavailable this week. Mark Darlington accidentally picked up his brother’s packed lunch at work, and hasn’t recovered from his food coma in time, so Lewis ‘Pumba’ Jones starts at hooker, ready to power-walk from set piece to set piece tomorrow. Frenchie-Five-Bags will start at 12, partnering Ed Keohane in midfield, with Perry Jansen at 9 leading the moaning, starting with the weather and early start, followed by ‘lazy forwards’, continued by ‘I don’t want to drink, I’m on dry Jan’, emerging as a leading contender for ‘Puss of the Week’. Dom Birch misses the trip, owing to his appearance on Dragon’s Den, in an attempt to secure funding for his tin foil bandanas, to try and block out the advances of ‘Mind Goon’, Psycho Sam.

Maids team:

1.       M Parrott (c)

2.       L Jones

3.       A Darlington

4.       S Churchyard

5.       S Hallett

6.       T King

7.       L Leonard

8.       W Macaulay

9.       P Jansen

10.   W Runciman

11.   S Prince

12.   A French

13.   E Keohane

14.   M Burnett

15.   G Blewitt

16.   S Hyland

17.   D Cole

18.   R Hannigan

Ivybridge team:

1.       J Morgan

2.       J Geraty

3.       M Finn

4.       J Sloan

5.       J Tripcony

6.       M Prout

7.       B King

8.       R Luscombe

9.       B Watts

10.   M Grieveson

11.   B Pinkus

12.   L Paterson

13.   C Briant

14.   A Willow

15.   M Pinkus

16.   W Vermigle

17.   A Taylor

18.   L Martell

Come on you Maids!




Maids v Lydney (home)

Maids v Lydney (home)

This week at the Braywick Bowl, Maids welcome struggling Lydney, looking to avenge their 38-29 defeat back in September, in what was arguably, the worst performance of the season to date. With just 10 games remaining in this campaign, both sides will be desperate for the points, for conflicting reasons at opposite ends of the table.

Despite their lowly position in SW Premier, Lydney arrive at this game on the back of a morale-boosting victory over Hornets 7 days ago, a result which leapfrogged them off the foot of the table, at the expense of their West-country visitors. Contrastly, Maids let slip a 19-3 lead, to lose 30-24 away at Exmouth, and although they gained 2 bonus points, a mad 10 minutes at the start of the 2nd half cost them a victory they feel they should have secured.

For the visitors this week, there are a few unfamiliar names, following the acquisition of various Gloucestershire All Golds Rugby League players. Steve Parry at 10, is one of those players, and has international experience, having represented Wales RL, which means previous fly half, Ollie Locke, moves outside him to inside centre. Reuben Haille on the wing, formerly of Chinnor and Southend was the dangerman back in September, and the Maids back 3 will have to ensure they keep a close eye on him.

Yet again, the selection dice has been rolled this week, with various changes made to the side, which sees Sam Churchyard start in the row, alongside Laurence Leonard, who we caught up with, to try and gain a bit of an insight into his abstractly-wired mind…


*Name/nicknames- ‘Laurence’, ‘Lar’, ‘Larry’, ‘Paddy’, ‘Necrophiliac Jack’, Bruno.

*Position(s)- Back of the bus, pants down.

*Occupation- March organiser for Pride.

*Which Maids teammate would you least like to be stuck on a desert island with, and why? Tom King- he’s not in to any of the fun stuff, like some of the other boys, just too straight laced, for a liberal, hippy little potato-picker like me.

*Which Maids teammate would you most like to be stuck on a desert island with, and why? Parrott and Chills would be my top choices, though I’d struggle to keep my hands to myself.

*What’s your favourite TV Programme? Father Ted

*What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? Gay-lick football, and naked farming.

*If you could be any animal, what would you be and why? I’d be a cow, so I could have multiple lads milking me at the same time.

*What would you like to achieve this season, both personally, and as a team? Personally, I want one, united Ireland. Under British rule. As a team, try and nick that play off space, and then have a big party with the Unicorns.


Will Cadden misses out this week, as he tries to convince his fit Mrs that he’s ‘not like the rest of those immature children at the club’ and continues in his fake, upper class persona, and he is replaced by Will Macaulay, who returns after unsuccessful hair restoration surgery. Dave Cole and Myke Parrott are rewarded with their recent weight gain successes, with places on the bench, while Sammy Hallett has been given a week off to stock up for the rave bus next week v Ivybridge. Ryan ‘John Terry’ Long, starts in the number 7 shirt, and Alex French returns to the centre after he managed to pop some of his spots. Congratulations to Jon Cranton, the semi-pro rugby player, who successfully achieved 12 views on his latest rugby fitness Insta page, he skippers the 2nd XV this week versus Henley 3s.

Maids team:

1.       L Jones

2.       M Darlington

3.       A Darlington

4.       L Leonard

5.       S Churchyard

6.       T King

7.       R Long (c)

8.       W Macaulay

9.       P Jansen

10.   L Ellis

11.   M Burnett

12.   A French

13.   E Keohane

14.   S Prince

15.   J Robinson

16.   M Parrott

17.   D Cole

18.   W Runciman

Lydney team:

1.       C Lane

2.       G Butt

3.       B Ncube

4.       D Bennett

5.       J Ward

6.       K Brown

7.       H Brown

8.       J Walter

9.       S Arnott (c)

10.   S Parry

11.   R Haille

12.   O Locke

13.   J McLean

14.   N Tucker

15.   T Lakabuka

16.   C Thompson

17.   R Watling

18.   M Williams

Come on you Maids!

Maids v Exmouth (away)

Maids v Exmouth (away)

Maidenhead make the long trek down to the South West this week, to tackle 6th placed Exmouth, who will be desperate to bounce back after suffering defeat at bottom club Hornets last week. With just 11 games left in this campaign, the race for 2nd place is really hotting up, with Newton Abbott, Bournemouth, Maids, Cleve and arguably Exmouth all still in contention. Dings Crusaders sit 8 points clear at the summit of SW Premier, and it would take a dramatic downturn in form, for them to now lose their grip on the Championship. However, like all before them at Braywick in the last couple of years, they did slip up last week against a dogged Maidenhead side.

Recent games at Maids have been almost Super Rugby-esque, high-scoring, free-flowing affairs with tries and attacking play very much the prominent feature, but someone forgot to read the script last week… Indeed, there was no lack of ambition from two teams who play an attractive brand, but defences came out on top, especially in the 2nd half, which saw just 3 points scored thankfully from the boot of Ed Keohane, to secure a 15-12 victory. The defensive shift from the home side will live long in the memory for those who witnessed it- wave after wave of Dings attack repelled by a stubborn magenta wall, which simply refused to be breached, even when down to 14 men. No doubt, Dave Perry was looking down on the boys in that last 20 minutes, and it served as a fitting tribute to the man.

This week’s contest is a different proposition, in likely, very different conditions. With heavy rain expected in Exmouth over the next 24 hours, the battle upfront takes on more significance, and after their 45-33 reversal to Maids earlier in the season, the Cockles will be gunning for revenge. Playmaker Tom Whelan is likely to feature at fly half for the home team, with threats outside him coming from centre Henry Goldson and fullback James Downie. In the pack, skipper Jack Fahy will lead from the second row, with the hooking duties from either young prospect Charlie Gibbings, who has played A-league for Bristol this season, or the more experienced Davy McGregor.

After a few weeks without a player interview, Andrew Darlington took time out from moaning and writing his food diary to enlighten us with some of his thinking:

*Name/nicknames- ‘Andrew Darlington’, ‘Darlo’, ‘Darlo number 1’, ‘the better brother’, ‘the better-looking brother’, ‘D-A-R-L-O’, ‘the favourite son’, ‘Skinny Sam Angell’.

*Position(s)- Prop, 12, just generally following my brother (through life).   

*Occupation- Full time Tank.

*Which Maids teammate would you least like to be stuck on a desert island with, and why? Dave Cole- he has a strange obsession with my belly button, which is turning sexual. He probably wouldn’t turn up anyway though, to be fair.

* Which Maids teammate would you most like to be stuck on a desert island with, and why? Sam Angell- he’d have a plentiful supply of sausage rolls. However, his conversation and injuries would be somewhat irksome, very quickly.

*What’s your favourite TV Programme? I like watching medleys of me and my girlfriend hugging and kissing on repeat.

*What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? Ultra-marathons and Ironman competitions- the one at Gourmet Chicken in Maidenhead is my current focus.

*If you could be any animal, what would you be and why? I’d like to be the snake in the video that Will Lawrence put in the Whatsapp group- very sexy, and seemed to get lots of attention.

*What would you like to achieve this season, both personally, and as a team? Personally, get fitter, and drive Myke Parrott into a break down, through incessant moaning at him on the pitch. As a team, finish top 3, and keep the home run going.

Congratulations must go to Andy McGregor, for securing the player of the month award, and hence becoming the first Indian to receive this award at Maidenhead RFC. No doubt a fine cigar will be lit in celebration, once his particular genre of tobacco is sourced by Head Coach Russell Bolton for him. Ryan Long will look to uphold his New Year’s resolution of not being drunk on Friday nights, by just sticking on the pints until midnight, before letting loose in the early hours of Saturday morning, whilst Dave ‘The Flake’ Cole, urgently scrambles the depths of his shallow imagination to conjure up another weak excuse for missing the bus trip.

Mandingo’s new technique of utilising his personal truncheon as a foam roller, has seen remarkable recent results in the physio room, with several injuries miraculously cured weeks ahead of schedule, including George Blewitt, who is sadly unavailable, due to his dog’s mother’s birthday. Much to the fury of Big Dom, Ellie Birch has been unceremoniously ditched by her latest squeeze, after details emerged of her 2-year affair with club pervert, Mike Andrew, who will travel to Exmouth with Ted Keohane, who hasn’t had a brawl since Bracknell away before Xmas. Upon hearing the news of his inclusion on the jailbus to Exmouth, and his impending re-initiation Karl Kempton exclaimed ‘this is the best day of my life, better than having kids’. We look forward to hearing details of his doghouse/potential divorce proceedings on Sunday morning…

Maids team (1st XV caps in brackets):

1.       M Parrott (c) (169)

2.       M Darlington (15)

3.       A Darlington (15)

4.       S Hallett (15)

5.       L Leonard (14)

6.       W Cadden (72)

7.       T King (8)

8.       D Cole (12)

9.       P Jansen (77)

10.   L Ellis (3)

11.   S Prince (26)

12.   R Long (94)

13.   E Keohane (78)

14.   M Burnett (54)

15.   J Robinson (16)

16.   L Jones (68)

17.   S Churchyard (64)

18.   K Kempton (43)

Come on you Maids!

Maids v Dings Crusaders (home)

Maids v Dings Crusaders (home)

It’s been a very tough week for everyone involved with Maidenhead RFC, following the tragic passing of club stalwart, David Perry. David was, amongst many other official and non-official roles, Fixture Secretary and a Committee Member at Maids for many years, as well as an ardent support of the club, following the 1st XV all around the South West of England. He also followed the team to Krakow, where it took David the grand total of 2 minutes to decide that his room and the budget hotel wasn’t up to his standards, before duly checking in somewhere more upmarket down the road! Of course, he was tried and convicted in the tour court, being found guilty (naturally), before embracing his punishment with a smile, as always.

One of David’s many responsibilities at the club, was to liaise with members and officials from other clubs and governing bodies, including referees, fellow Fixture Secretaries, other club Committee Members etc. It is indicative of the man, that many of these whom David came into contact with, have taken the time to write their messages of sympathy, all with a common theme prevalent; what a nice guy.

Indeed, a quick glance on the comments section on Facebook from current/ex-players, supporters and members echo this sentiment, and nobody will dispute, that David was indeed, the nicest guy you could wish to meet. From a personal perspective, I didn’t ever hear David criticise one single playing member of the club, in all his years at the club. He followed the team, home and away, and witnessed many defeats and poor performances, yet was nothing but positive to all of the players- something which must have been challenging at times!

David will be sorely missed, and it will be strange coming into the clubhouse after training without him propping up the bar, or seeing him at the front of the bus on away trips. On behalf of the 1st XV, we will all be playing, and trying to win for David tomorrow, and send our deepest sympathies to the family, and we hope that it’s a consolation to them, that he was very much loved by us all.


A couple of late injuries, has seen Russ Bolton rejig his backline, which means Ryan Long stays in the centre, and is replaced at openside by Will Macaulay, now back from injury. Keohane moves to 10, with a call up for Mike Burnett on the wing.

Maids team:

1.       M Parrott (c)

2.       M Darlington

3.       A Darlington

4.       S Hallett

5.       L Leonard

6.       W Cadden

7.       W Macaulay

8.       D Cole

9.       P Jansen

10.   E Keohane

11.   S Prince

12.   R Long

13.   A French

14.   M Burnett

15.   J Robinson

16.   L Jones

17.   T King

18.   L Ellis

Rest in Peace David x





Maids v Weston-Super-Mare (home)

Maids v Weston-Super-Mare (home)

Maids will be striving to achieve a first for them this season on Saturday- 3 consecutive wins. After their primary win on ‘grass’ this campaign, away to Berks rivals Bracknell, a return to Fortress Braywick, sees the final game of the first half of the season against Weston Super Mare.

The visitors this week, come into the match as the form side of the division, currently on a 4 match win streak, looking to end Maids’ fine home run. As appears to be the way with many teams in this division, Weston have a former Premiership professional in their ranks, centre Glenn Dickson, formerly of Otago and Northampton Saints is player-coach and an extremely accomplished kicker, James McKay, at 10 is a familiar face, having played when Maids last featured at this level. Upfront promises to be a particularly intriguing encounter, with both teams having enjoyed dominance at scrum time, and Weston will look to captain Sam Coles, and fellow prop Ollie Streeter to stop the Maidenhead juggernaut, which has proved to be such a weapon already.

Maids left it late to overcome hosts Bracknell last week, scoring with the last play to secure a BP win, and break Bracknell hearts. In truth, the margin should have been greater- 2 intercept tries for the home team, several missed kicks at goal, and a failure to have scrum infringements suitably penalised, all contributed to a scoreline which was far closer than it should have been, but credit must go to the home team, for their brutal defence, which repelled much of what came at them.

Jose Bolton has rolled the dice again this week, making a few changes to the squad, and one man who has earnt himself a starting spot, after impressing off the bench, is Alex French, who we asked a few questions of, to learn a little more about the strange Northern ginger centre.

*Name/nicknames- ‘Alex French’, ‘Frenchie’, ‘Frencho’, ‘Fat Jonny Bairstow’, ‘Adam French’s Rubbish Brother’, ‘Bad Genes’.

*Position(s)- Centre, wing, bench, face down on Sharlene’s massage bed, 2nd row protégé.

*Occupation- PE (Premature Ejaculation) Teacher

*Which Maids teammate would you least like to be stuck on a desert island with, and why? Ed Keohane- as much as I like the guy, I don’t understand a word he says.

* Which Maids teammate would you most like to be stuck on a desert island with, and why? Coley- I feel the odour of cats and dogs would deter other predators and keep us safe.

*What’s your favourite TV Programme? Really into Police Interceptors- good to see my mates from back home.

*What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? Suckling and milking my Mrs’ huge udders, and watching videos of puppies which Pig Dick tags me in.

*If you could be any animal, what would you be and why? I’d be a meerkat, so I could ride Pumba Jones round the clubhouse.

*What would you like to achieve this season, both personally, and as a team? Personally, establish myself as a first team regular. As a team, finish top 6, and keep the home record.


Mark Childerhouse has been given the week off by Russell Bolton, so he can go and buy an engagement ring, before proposing to Amy over Xmas, whilst William Cadden has somehow managed to cling onto his new fit Mrs, but is on borrowed time until he is dumped again, no doubt. Ryan Long has promised to leave Smokey Joes before the 5am close this Friday night/Saturday morning, and Myke Parrott has been restricted to just the 3 Xmas sandwiches for breakfast. Perry Jansen switches to scrum half this week, and will look gorgeous after a Saturday AM fake tan session with Will Greenwood, and George Blewitt has promised the Maids fans he’ll be performing his new try celebration routine, featuring a picture of his labra-poodle on his under armour, should he cross the whitewash.


Maids team (numbers in brackets denotes 1st XV caps)

1.       M Parrott (c) (166)

2.       M Darlington (12)

3.       A Darlington (12)

4.       S Hallett (13)

5.       L Leonard (11)

6.       W Cadden (69)

7.       R Long (91)

8.       D Cole (9)

9.       P Jansen (75)

10.   W Runciman (13)

11.   S Prince (23)

12.   A French (5)

13.   E Keohane (76)

14.   G Blewitt (6)

15.   J Robinson (13)

16.   S Hyland (5)

17.   A McGregor (2)

18.   S Angell (5)


Weston team:

1.       Coles (c)

2.       Hocking

3.       Streeter

4.       Turton

5.       Glen

6.       Morrissey

7.       Bignell

8.       Spelman

9.       Conway

10.   J McKay

11.   Watkins

12.   Dickson

13.   Nel

14.   R McKay

15.   Jones

16.   Rukhadze

17.   Sugg

18.   Tuttiett

Come on you Maids!!!




Maids v Bracknell (away)

Maids v Bracknell (away)

Following a superb bonus point, 52-30 victory over 3rd-placed Bournemouth last week, Maids head into their 2nd derby of the season full of confidence, looking to break into the top 3 and claim the Berkshire bragging rights, in what is the first league fixture at 1st XV level between them and Bracknell for 10 years.

No doubt, the standout name in the Bracknell line-up is former London Irish and Tonga number 8, Chris Hala’Ufia. Famed for his uncompromising style of play and big hits, he’ll be looking to get his team on the front foot, and provide quick ball for young fly half Vic Hardwicke. At full back, Cam Macdonald, a loan signing from Chinnor, is one to watch, whilst skipper James Ingle is likely to partner Hala’Ufia in the back row, along with youngster Tom Scott. For the Lily Hill Park men, defeat a week ago to bottom side, Hornets, 42-17 means they currently occupy a place in the bottom half of the South West Premier table, something they will be determined to rectify by beating their Berkshire neighbours tomorrow.

Standing in their way, is arguably the biggest Maids pack in recent memory, and one of the form players in that pack, is ex-Maids Colt, Will Cadden, who we caught up with this week in an attempt to get an insight into his very confused, badly-wired brain…


*Name/nicknames- Cads, Cadden, Moose, Swan, ‘The 3-eyed Raven’, Bran, DADDY, ‘NAUGHTY DADDY’.

*Position(s)- Head in hands, weeping after being dumped. Flanker.

*Occupation- Animal impressionist.

*Which Maids teammate would you least like to be stuck on a desert island with, and why? Lewis ‘Pumba’ Jones- his poorly calf muscle would require too much attention.

* Which Maids teammate would you most like to be stuck on a desert island with, and why? Perry Jansen, because I know he hates being stuck alone with me for more than 10 minutes. It would kill him.

*What’s your favourite TV Programme? I like Peppa Pig and Art Attack.

*What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? I enjoy being in a clique with Churchy and Chills, and neglecting the other boys. I’ve also rather enjoyed baiting my psycho ex-girlfriend over the last 6 months.

*If you could be any animal, what would you be and why? Easy. I’d be a pre-historic moose, so I could roam the forests and bellow all day every day.

*What would you like to achieve this season, both personally, and as a team? As a team, beat Dings and Newton Abbott at home, on a personal level, learn my 3 times table, not get dumped by current, fit girlfriend (again), and not get stabbed by the ex-girlfriend.


George Blewitt returns to the squad, after a couple of weeks out, taking his labra-poodle to Crufts, while Sam Angell has lost enough weight to squeeze into the number 12 shirt, so is allowed to start. Another returnee, is Sam Churchyard, staunch Britain First supporter, delighted with recent social media activity from Donald Trump- he starts in the row, next to left-wing, socialist hippy Karol Poborsky aka Sammy Hallett, which makes for fascinating political debate during breaks in play.

Christoph Bart, although injured, has been promoted into a leadership position with the Maids Ultras, and takes his place on the terraces alongside lifelong hooligan Ted Keohane, hoping for a Maidenhead victory off the pitch. Will Macaulay continues his spell on the sidelines, and will attempt to watch the game in relative peace, away from Jockstrap John and a pissed-up Prinny, while Dom Birch is likely to be present, cheering on Bracknell, following a rough week of job application rejection emails from Stonor Marketing.


Maids team:

1.       M Parrott (c)

2.       M Darlington

3.       A Darlington

4.       S Churchyard

5.       S Hallett

6.       W Cadden

7.       R Long

8.       D Cole

9.       M Childerhouse

10.   W Runciman

11.   G Blewitt

12.   S Angell

13.   E Keohane

14.   S Prince

15.   P Jansen

16.   S Hyland

17.   L Leonard

18.   A French

Come on you Maids!