Maids v Weston (away)

Maids v Weston (away)

With just 7 games left of this campaign, the race for that much-coveted play-off place is seriously hotting up, with another round of ‘juicy’ fixtures set to further shape this rollercoaster of a season. Barring a catastrophic collapse which nobody can foresee, Bournemouth now have the title well and truly wrapped up, and will deservedly go up as Champions, but competition to stay in this division at the bottom end of the table is fierce, and Maids have Ivybridge hot on their tails, with Barum 7 points ahead of them, in the fight for 2nd.

After Barnstaple dropped points, with a loss away at Drybrook a week ago, and now facing the prospect of a dangerous Exeter University side this week, Maids will be hoping to bridge that 7 point gap ahead of welcoming their North-Devon rivals to Braywick on March 23rd. However, standing in their way, is the formidable opponent of Weston Super-Mare RFC, who have been the only side to leave Braywick this season with a win. Despite sitting in 9th position in the table, Maids know that Weston well and truly had their number earlier in the season, yet both number 8 Brad Talbot, and loosehead prop, Sam Coles, who were outstanding that day, miss this return fixture through injury. They are replaced by youngsters Tom Sugg and Charlie Brabham respectively, the latter of whom has recently featured in some A League fixtures for Bristol.

For Maids, hooker Mark Darlington returns to the squad after recovering from his papercut, meaning new recruit Sam Rawsthorne drops to the bench. He wasn’t too downbeat however, when he was given the opportunity to feature in this weeks’ high-in-demand match preview…

Name- Sam Rawsthorne

Nickname(s)- ‘Travis’, ‘Rawsy’, ‘Sub’, ‘Mark Bosnich’, ‘Bozzy’, ‘Lavin Mark II’, ‘Sandpit Sam’.

Position(s)- Bench

Occupation- I make coffee for Andy Berry, and clean his shoes.

Weaknesses- Fully answering questionnaires, IQ, ascertaining my nationality, my accent, following instructions, common sense.

Strengths- my girlfriend, making sandcastles, asking people how their day has been.

If you could be any of your teammates, who would you be and why? I’d be Andy Berry, so I could have my own personal PA for both work and rugby too.

Which teammate would you least like to have over for dinner? Ryan Long- he’s already added my Mrs on Facebook. It’s always how it starts.

What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? Upon my return from Australia, I’ve recently joined UKIP and the National Front with Tom King, so I’m really enjoying bashing up anti-Brexit protestors and soft lefties on my free weekends.

Tell us something we don’t know about you- I was the one who left the speaker out in the rain last week.

What are your aspirations for this season? Get a start, get promoted, move in with Andy Berry.

 

Ahead of his maiden bus trip for the first team, young Ed Atkins was unfortunate enough to be papped on the tube with some roses, 3 minutes after excusing himself from training last night, so he will be looking forward to 3 hours of drinking from Jockstrap John’s ball sack on the way home tomorrow, whilst Charlie Broughton’s initiation has rolled over yet another week, and he climbs to number 1 contender for Puss of the Week, with a prize of a lovely t-shirt and some cat milk beckoning.

Ed Atkins ‘couldn’t make training’ last night…

Niall Crosley will be hoping to take his place in the centre after recovering from his annual Valentine’s beating from his Mrs, but Andy Berry misses out sadly- he was pictured with Rolf Harris wandering around Oldfield school last week, so has an appointment with the Maidenhead Constabulary.

On the coaching front, Mark Bates has this week had to cancel his family summer holiday to France with his access to the country abruptly denied following his assault on 22 French Vets last weekend, whilst Zoran Higgins has been banned indefinitely from future coach trips by the Club Committee, in the aftermath of complaints of nakedness and lewd behaviour from 17 different cars on the M4 last Saturday night, as well as Burger King staff, the owner of Premier Coaches and the toilet attendant from Weston Service station.

 

Congratulations to Will Macaulay, who wins his 50th 1st XV cap this weekend, a fine feat for the 45 year old flanker.

 

Maids team (caps in brackets)

1.       M Parrott (c) (198)

2.       M Darlington (34)

3.       A Darlington (36)

4.       S Churchyard (92)

5.       L Leonard (40)

6.       T Muil (16)

7.       W Macaulay (50)

8.       D Cole (35)

9.       P Jansen (89)

10.   W Runciman (34)

11.   D Baptista (9)

12.   C Broughton (7)

13.   N Crosley (18)

14.   S Prince (45)

15.   O Foxley (13)

16.   S Rawsthorne (10)

17.   E Atkins (2)

18.   A French (21)

 

Weston team:

1.       C Brabham

2.       M Hocking

3.       O Streeter

4.       A Glen

5.       C Kingscott

6.       S Fisher

7.       R Bignell

8.       T Sugg

9.       R Bennett

10.   J Mackay

11.   M Watkins

12.   G Dickson

13.   M Nel

14.   A Howman

15.   R Mackay

16.   A Fisher

17.   G Bamsey

18.   H Jones

Come on you Maids!

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Maids v Exmouth (home)

Maids v Exmouth (home)

Maids will be doing their best to bounce back from a disappointing loss away to Exeter University last week, which saw them return home without even a bonus point to show for their efforts. Maids felt the full force of a 1st string Exeter Uni side, who don’t recommence BUCS League commitments for another week yet. The Students were good value for their win, and all at Braywick hope they can continue to cause a few upsets in this final stretch of the season, and hopefully assist Maids in their quest for that coveted 2nd place spot.

It’s another tough fixture for Maids, as a confident Exmouth side arrive from Devon, fresh from an impressive 43-32 victory over rivals Ivybridge last week. Their beefed up pack feature Nick Halse at hooker, who packed down at prop in the reverse fixture, and he is flanked by Shane Cooper, who was absent from the game in October, and new signing Charlie Tribble, who has recently joined from Taunton. Dave Bargent, normally back row, fills in at 12 this week, with normal inside centre Mark Wathes pushed to the wing, with player/coach Tom Whelan at full back.

There are a few enforced changes this week, but after impressing off the bench last week, Perry Jansen makes his first start since his latest holiday after the Bournemouth game. He took some time away from fancy lunches and dodging training to give us his thoughts…

Name- Perry Jansen

Nickname(s)- ‘Pel’, ‘Pel Fire’, ‘Pez’, ‘Pez Dog’, ‘Jerry Pansen’, ‘Perry Greenwood’, ‘Paolo di Canio’.

Position(s)- 9, 10, 11, 13, 14, 15

Strengths- Heads up (animal version), articulate, poaching eggs, being better than Jaryd, pace, taking holidays.

Weaknesses- following instructions, Flea’s belly button, kicking for posts, cold and wet weather, playing 2s, staying for the whole season.

Occupation- London restaurant critic.

If you could be any of your teammates, who would you be and why? Ed Keohane, what a guy. Couldn’t even get him drunk on his own stag do. Unbelievable at being hidden, not hiding from the PTC. Gets to miss games and go straight back in the 1s, all round good potato.

Which teammate would you least like to have over for dinner? Ryan Long. Be worried about what would be said to my Mrs when I wasn’t around. Sssssssslippery guy!

What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? Prank calling Dave Cole, looking after Pumba’s calves, surfing, golf, lunching.

Tell us something we don’t know about you- I was the first Indian child to attend Claire’s Court school.

What are your aspirations for this season? Push for that play-off spot, be a part of Maidenhead history, play 2 weeks in a row.

 

Maids Director of Rugby, Gareth Andrews-Jones, is delighted to clinch the signing of young back row forward Rod Muil, who will make his home debut from the bench this week, after moving from South Africa. Upon joining the club, Rod told us ‘Yar, it’s good to be here. I’m South African with a heart of stone. I’ll soon be starting at 8, with Cooley in the 2’s. Yar’. Rod has already endeared himself to his new teammates, by sticking around for the social last week, unlike his selfish cousin Todd, who hasn’t been seen for 2 weeks, but is probably off doing stuff with his other friends.

New signing Rod Muil is welcomed by DoR, Gareth Andrews-Jones

Alex French makes his first appearance of the season, that’s if he doesn’t leave shortly after starting, whilst Scott Prince is also back involved, following the completion of his ASBO for spitting at pensioners in Maidenhead High Street. Dylan Baptista misses out- he thinks everyone believes he’s injured, before then posting a picture of himself in Budapest earlier today, thus thrusting himself into the much-vaunted Sandpit Crew. On that note, Owen Langstone spends a week on the sidelines, after his tongue got stuck on the frosty bus window on Tuesday night, but fortunately Nigerian Nigel was on hand to help, after he struggled to find the exit to Braywick Park, following the return from Exeter on Saturday night.

 

 

Maids team (caps in brackets)

1.       M Parrott (c) (196)

2.       M Darlington (33)

3.       A Darlington (34)

4.       S Churchyard (90)

5.       A Berry (15)

6.       R Long (132)

7.       W Macaulay (48)

8.       D Cole (33)

9.       P Jansen (87)

10.   W Runciman (32)

11.   A French (19)

12.   C Broughton (5)

13.   N Crosley (16)

14.   S Prince (43)

15.   O Foxley (11)

16.   S Rawsthorne (8)

17.   R Muil (2)

18.   A Lubbock (14)

 

Exmouth team:

1.       Tribble

2.       Halse

3.       Cooper

4.       Fahy

5.       Richards

6.       O’Shaughnessy

7.       Harris

8.       Hawley

9.       Watkins

10.   Meadows

11.   Wathes

12.   Bargent

13.   Headley

14.   Goldson

15.   Whelan

16.   Goss

17.   Fowler

18.   Richardson

Come on you Maids!

Maids v Exeter University (away)

Maids v Exeter University (away)

Maids travel to Topsham this week, to face league new boys, Exeter University, aiming to make it 4 wins in a row, for the first time since the league-winning campaign of 2016/17. Results for the University have been somewhat inconsistent this year, and one can only presume that availability and selection issues hamper the home team during holiday season. This is evidenced by 34-0 and 32-10 losses to Cleve and Weston respectively before Xmas, before a stunning 38-18 victory at Ivybridge last week. With no BUCS game due until January 30th, the University should have a full complement to select from this week, so Maids know it will be a tough ask, and a very different line-up to the one they faced back in September.

Last week’s lineup saw the University field club captain Rory McMeikan in the back row, and with no midweek fixture due, he will likely continue this Saturday, whilst there was also an appearance for talented fullback, Sal M’Boge, who has featured in the ‘A’-League for Exeter Chiefs. Josh Pietersen and Harry Bazalgette were stand out performers in the reverse fixture at Braywick earlier in the season, and both featured against Ivybridge last week, so are expected to play this week also.

It’s been another pleasing selection week, with minimal changes made, and it’s only Will Macaulay missing from the team which beat Drybrook last Saturday, to be replaced by young Todd Muil, who will likely dodge the team social this week, and elect to go out with his other fwends and not invite any of the rugby lads. WE HOPE YOU HAD A GREAT BLOODY BIRTHDAY TODD.

Anyway, enough about selfish Todd, we caught up with the 9-year-old, Adonis-like sun-dodger Olly Foxley this week, to try and understand just why he needs so many holidays…

 

Name- Olly Foxley

Nickname(s)- ‘The Fox’, ‘Ginger Spice’, ‘Gingernuts’, ‘Alpha Ginge’, ‘Ruel Fox’, ‘Holiday Harry’.

Position(s)- Full back/wing/in the shade

Occupation- Still in year 7 at school.

Weaknesses- Sunlight, height, adult clothes, playing consecutive games, fruit shoots.

Strengths- Physique, rugby, shagging, holidays, kids’ train tickets.

If you could be any of your teammates, who would you be and why? Dylan Baptista- he’s massive, and people run away from him when he has the ball.

Which teammate would you least like to have over for dinner? Andy Darlington- as soon as the fun, eating part is done, he’ll be whinging about his toe and the referee, and then duck out of the washing up.

What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? Golf, shagging, gym, shagging, eating.

Tell us something we don’t know about you- I used to have my tongue pierced, and I was born in 2005.

What are your aspirations for this season? Promotion and a tan.

 

Adam Lubbock has taken a weekend off to mentally recover from the witty retorts of Elio and the Sandpit Crew, whose very own Levi Meek has recovered from ‘Bucket Bicep’ to take his place in the 2s line-up this weekend against Rams. Will Runciman starts at 10, and has escaped further disciplinary action after he was caught red-handed prank calling Big Ron Birch yesterday before training. Rather than suspend Runciman, Big Ron took the rather reserved, reasonable approach of simply setting his kit bag alight last night…must be going soft in his old age.

Saw Rawsthorne continues his run in the 1st XV squad, and has been assured that as long as his girlfriend continues to attend matches, he will never be dropped, regardless of performance, whilst Ryan Long has been caught adding her on Facebook already. Ted Keohane is confident he can race back home post-match in time for his curfew, he couldn’t resist the temptation of lobbing bricks at some scrounging students, and he’ll be joined on the sidelines by Maids pervert, Mike Andrew, who will be visiting the student campus for very different reasons.

Maids team (caps in brackets):

1.       M Parrott (c) (195)

2.       M Darlington (32)

3.       A Darlington (33)

4.       S Churchyard (89)

5.       L Leonard (37)

6.       A Berry (14)

7.       R Long (131)

8.       D Cole (32)

9.       C Morgan (12)

10.   W Runciman (31)

11.   D Baptista (7)

12.   C Broughton (4)

13.   N Crosley (15)

14.   M Roddick (22)

15.   O Foxley (8)

16.   S Rawsthorne (7)

17.   T Muil (13)

18.   P Jansen (85)

 

Come on you Maids!

Maids v Drybrook (home)

Maids v Drybrook (home)

Welcome to the first home game of 2019, where we welcome newly-promoted Drybrook to Braywick. With 11 games left remaining, Maids currently sit in 4th place, just 5 points off the much-coveted playoff place, currently occupied by Barnstaple, who are still to come to Maids. 3rd place Ivybridge were defeated by tomorrow’s visitors at ‘The Mannings’, so all the boys will be wary of a side that is more than capable of upsetting the form book.

Back in September, in awful conditions, the Maids pack powered to victory, sealing a bonus point win, to prevail 29-7. However, with dry weather due, combined with the artificial pitch at Braywick, the dangerous Drybrook backline will be confident of an upset.

Player/coach, Tim Stevenson lines up at fly half for the visitors- an accomplished kicker and game manager, he will be vital to any success the Forest of Dean side might have in this match up. Ben Large at inside centre will skipper the side, whilst upfront Will Greenway in the second row, and Sam Peaper at 7 were standout performers earlier in the season.

For Maids, new signing, and former Championship flyer, Charlie Broughton continues at centre, but it’s another new addition we spoke to this week, Dylan Baptista. Baptista has joined the club mid-season, and the powerful winger, who also plays International rugby for Zimbabwe continued his fine try-scoring form, with a double against Cleve last week. Here’s what he had to say…

Name- Dylan Baptista

Nickname(s)- Denzel (from Only Fools and Horses), Big D, Thighs, Wendell Sailor.

Position(s)- Wing, not centre

Occupation- Priority Engineer Complaints Handler. Customer Service in a nutshell, getting shouted at.

Weaknesses- Fitting into the 11 shirt, making Longy laugh/talk/smile, catching, passing, general happy demeanour.

Strengths- running straight, male grooming, winning MoM based on looks, bench press, sniffing glue.

If you could be any of your teammates, who would you be and why? I’d be Andrew Darlington. I’d love to experience this ‘Turf Toe’ he claims to have, which miraculously appears every time we do fitness.

Which teammate would you least like to have over for dinner? Tom King- I’m not sure having a member of the EDL over for tea would go down too well with the family.

What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? I enjoy fishing trips and legal highs.

Tell us something we don’t know about you- I have a small scar on my face, from when I was attacked with a knife in a Staines nightclub.

What are your aspirations for this season? Help the club achieve history, by sealing a playoff spot, and have a sleepover at Big Ron’s house.

 

Laurence Leonard continues to play his final few games before Maidenhead’s finest, Theresa May, implements Brexit, and gets the little tinker booted out of the country, while Will Macaulay has escaped a recent driving ban, as he simply blamed Churchy. Andy Darlington was a doubt for the game, after brother Mark nearly forgot to wash his kit for him, but luckily Andy Berry stepped in, and left work early to help him out and then put him in the bath, in Mark’s absence. Lewis Jones, in his quest to get fit, has decided to take a break from rugby, his only form of exercise, while Myles Williamson has sadly been hampered with ‘Spade Elbow’, after his play date with Elio Mandozzi.

Drybrook team:

1.       Seville

2.       Stretch

3.       Beattie

4.       Greenway

5.       Renton

6.       Frowen

7.       Peaper

8.       Bourne

9.       Clancy

10.   Stevenson

11.   Moore

12.   Large

13.   Price

14.   Baldwin

15.   Winfield

16.   Hale

17.   Howells

18.   Watts

 

Maids team (caps in brackets)

1.       M Parrott (c) (194)

2.       M Darlington (31)

3.       A Darlington (32)

4.       S Churchyard (88)

5.       A Berry (13)

6.       R Long (130)

7.       W Macaulay (47)

8.       D Cole (31)

9.       C Morgan (11)

10.   W Runciman (30)

11.   D Baptista (6)

12.   C Broughton (3)

13.   N Crosley (14)

14.   M Roddick (21)

15.   O Foxley (9)

16.   S Rawsthorne (6)

17.   L Leonard (36)

18.   P Jansen (85)

 

Come on you Maids!

Maids v Camborne (home)

Maids v Camborne (home)

Onto the last game of a topsy-turvy 2018, and after a bruising derby last week, which saw Bracknell take the spoils, Russ Bolton’s patched-up team welcome the Cherry and Whites, who travel all the way from West Cornwall for this week’s fixture.

Games between the two sides are usually close, and with approximately 270 miles between the clubs, it’s no surprise that the results have been going with the home sides. Maids were unlucky to lose out at Camborne earlier in the season, being edged out 23-20, which really could have gone either way.

Upfront, Camborne bring a big, physical pack. Damien Cook in the 2nd row has been a key man for Camborne and Cornwall for several years now, and Jon Drew and Andrius Zacharovas at tighthead and loosehead respectively are strong scrummagers and will test the home side’s set piece. Tony Whittle at 6 was a thorn in the Maids’ lineout earlier this season, and he’ll be tasked with providing good ball for a very strong catch and drive game from the visitors. Out wide, Declan Matthews in the centre will be a threat, but it’s Alex Ducker that will need closest attention. The former Redruth and Hartpury College flyer scored 4 last week, to add to his already impressive season tally, and he will surely relish the quick surface that the pitch at Braywick provides.

Owing to the close proximity of Xmas, there is a special treat in this week’s match preview, as we managed to convince the legend, the one and only ‘Big Ron’ to divulge a few details about his unique viewpoints in between his naps and constant holidays…

Name – Dominic.

 

Nickname(s)- Nothing. Just Dominic. Not f*****g ‘Ron’, or ‘Don’ or ‘Ronald McDomald’ or ‘Donamick’, or any of the other goon nicknames, just Dominic.

 

Position – Goon Hunter. Eliminating goons and idiots from within the club. Concentrating especially on Eman, followed closely by Piers Morgan – Chief Goon. And Forwards Coach, Zoltan, or whatever his s*** bloody name is.

 

Strengths – Bar closing, facilities locking up, driving customers away, banning customers, ostracising players, irrational tantrums, burning lost property, till-skimming.

 

Weaknesses – Happiness, smiling, serving at the bar, providing after-training and after-match meals to the Goon Squad.

 

Occupation – Chief Executive Operating Officer for Berks

 

If you could be any of your teammates, who would you be and why? – One of the part-timers; Foxley or Perry; more holidays than Michael Palin!

 

Which teammate would you least like to have round for dinner?  Coley He’s just full of s**t and actually thinks he’s funny. Or Lubbock; he’s a right skinny little git but he’d eat me out of house and home. Definitely don’t want Lawrence round, I reckon he’s actually a proper Pikey and I think he’d rob all the radiators off the walls, plus you wouldn’t understand a word of his tinker-talk? Actually nah, it would have to be Goonwood- he’d have a selfie or Insta from every room in my gaffe.

 

What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? Ted-baiting. Although to be fair last two occasions have been dodgy. Irish v All Blacks he threatened me with a bottle to keep bar open and sank 20 pints of Guinness and with the win on final whistle he offered out the whole of the 2nd’s who were watching. Then he forced me to drive him and four “young un’s” into town for a dust up. And last week he held me hostage and kept the bar open so Ed could sing his normal s***e; when we ran out of Guinness he threatened to “run me through” and then Jo got involved sending me of to buy Spiced Rum before she nutted me. Proper s**t myself on that one.

Tell us something we don’t know about you- was genuinely arrested once for trying to withdraw money from my bank- they tried to steal it off me.

What are your aspirations for this season? Get rid of Frenchie, he’s a wrong ‘un and I just don’t like him. Stand against Teresa May for Maidenhead, and help get Maids on a par with Reading RFC, down in Southern Counties.

The whole squad would like to send their heartfelt well-wishes to an absolute legend at Maids RFC, Dicky Brown, who is having a rough time in hospital at the moment. We are all thinking of you Dicky, and also Pat, in this difficult time. Keep fighting the good fight, and we look forward to seeing you back down Braywick soon.

 

Camborne team:

1.       Zacharovas

2.       Southworth

3.       Drew (c)

4.       Cook

5.       Stanlieck

6.       Whittle

7.       Nicholls

8.       Rose

9.       Bawden

10.   McAtee

11.   Ducker

12.   Semmens

13.   Matthews

14.   Thomas

15.   Long

16.   Hearn

17.   Hinchley

18.   Chapple

 

Maids team (caps in brackets)

1.       S Rawsthorne (4)

2.       M Darlington (30)

3.       A Darlington (30)

4.       S Churchyard (86)

5.       L Leonard (34)

6.       R Long (128)

7.       W Macaulay (45)

8.       D Cole (30)

9.       C Morgan (9)

10.   W Runciman (28)

11.   A Lubbock (13)

12.   C Broughton (1)

13.   N Crosley (12)

14.   D Baptista (4)

15.   M Roddick (19)

16.   E Mandozzi (5)

17.   T Muil (12)

18.   L Ellis (11)

Come on you Maids!

Maids v Bracknell (away)

Maids v Bracknell (away)

This round of fixtures takes us to the halfway mark of the 2018/19 season, and what better way to finish the first half of the campaign, than with a big derby against our Berkshire rivals, Bracknell. Despite Maids’ outstanding victory against Bournemouth, ending their impressive 11-game unbeaten streak last Saturday, they will be cautious of a dangerous Bracknell team, who have just the solitary loss on home soil so far this season, when Bournemouth prevailed 13-3.

Bracknell will be led out at Lily Hill by hooker Michael Clarke, who will be hoping for a repeat of his fine personal performances in the derby fixtures last season, and he’ll be joined in the front row by new recruit, Elliot Bellman, and also former Bath and Ospreys prop, Ken Dowding. Youngster, and former Welly boy, Thomas Spencer-Jones has impressed from openside so far this season, and he’ll be hoping to get the nod to start in the back row, whilst in the backline, it’s another youngster, Vic Hardwicke, who will be charged with running the game from fly half. Cam McDonald at wing or centre has plenty of tries already this season, so will be one to watch out for, and the Maids midfield will have to try and keep Kiwi centre Jason Henry quiet- he’s a big carrier for the home team, and could prove pivotal in wet conditions.

For Russ Bolton’s men, there are welcome returns to the squad for Mikey Davies and sexy Max Roddick, with Ryan Long replacing Laurence Leonard in the 6 shirt, and Leonard reverting to the bench. Stepping into the number 10 shirt this week is the sober, oddball eccentric, Adam Lubbock, who took time out from getting roasted by the sandpit crew, to answer a few questions.

Name: Adam Lubbock

 

Nickname(s) – “Lubbsie”, “Lubbs”, “Mr Lubba Lubba”, “The Snake Charmer”, “Ads”, “ADHD Adam”.

 

Position(s) – Fly half/centre/Will Runciman’s understudy

 

Strengths – Getting ill the day before big games when we have no other backs, missing tackles, right hand passing, snake charming, keeping the bench warm, Instagram.

 

Weaknesses – Tackling, left hand passing, starting games, putting on weight, Whatsapp arguments with Elio and Myles.

 

Occupation – PT/MILF Tamer

 

If you could be any of your teammates, who would you be and why? I’d be Owen Langstone or Levi Meek, they don’t get picked on by Myles or Elio like I do.

 

Which teammate would you least like to have over for dinner? Has to be ‘Chavvy Chase’ aka Ceri Morgan, I literally don’t understand a word he says, and he’d nick my telly if I popped to the loo.

 

What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? I play naked piano for old people, for whom I have an unnatural fetish.

 

Tell us something we don’t know about you – I didn’t play against Barnstaple, because I needed to be at my computer to register for Robbie Williams tickets.

 

What aspirations do you have for this season? – start 2 games in a row, nick that playoff spot and find out Big Ron’s favorite colour.

 

To the delight of everyone, Will Cadden has been formally banned from the club for the foreseeable future for consistent ‘piking’ of drinks, crisps and anything else he can get his hands on, but luckily his fwends at Wichmond can take the mantle and put up with the nause moving forward. Perry Jansen is off ‘doing a Foxley’ this weekend, so is unavailable, but it is hoped that Todd Muil and Myke Parrott can overcome their recent serious injuries- a cut ear and dead arm respectively. Niall Crosley, buoyed by his first ever line break last week continues at centre, and is partnered by new signing Dylan ‘Denzel’ Baptista, who has swiftly been added to “Ellie’s list”. Big Ted Keohane will be looking to return to the scene of the crime last year, and has vowed to “find the little ***** who nicked my Guinness”, before later venturing into town with some underage drinkers for a fight with the bouncers at the Bear.

Big Ron has struggled to shift the fire logs he is giving away for free, so if anyone would like some high quality, locally-sourced firewood, please give him a call urgently, on 07715 965534. He usually picks up on the 3rd or 4th call, so if you don’t get through, please keep trying.

 

Maids team (caps in brackets)

1.       M Parrott (c) (192)

2.       M Darlington (30)

3.       A Darlington (29)

4.       S Churchyard (85)

5.       A Berry (11)

6.       R Long (127)

7.       W Macaulay (44)

8.       D Cole (29)

9.       C Morgan (8)

10.   A Lubbock (12)

11.   S Prince (42)

12.   D Baptista (3)

13.   N Crosley (11)

14.   M Davies (29)

15.   M Roddick (18)

16.   L Jones (89)

17.   L Leonard (33)

18.   T Muil (11)

 

Come on you Maids!

Maids v Bournemouth (home)

Maids v Bournemouth (home)

After a disappointing 39-7 loss away to Barnstaple last weekend, Maids face their sternest test yet this season, welcoming unbeaten Bournemouth to Braywick. Barnstaple must be congratulated for their convincing win a week ago, against a side decimated with unavailability and injury, but with no lack of effort, especially with exciting youngsters such as Owen Langstone, Elio Mandozzi and Myles Williamson, who all put their hands up in tricky circumstances.

Maids are boosted this week, with the returns of Andrew and Mark Darlington, Will Macaulay, Ed Keohane, Olly Foxley, Dylan Baptista and Adam Lubbock, all of whom missed the trip to Barnstaple last Saturday, and they’ll be hoping to emulate their recent success against Ivybridge, and inflict a first defeat of the season on their visitors. Coached by Will Croker, the Men from the South Coast lead the division by 11 points, winning all 11 games so far which makes them clear favourites for the title, and a return to National 2 South.

Whoever is in charge of recruitment down at Chapel Gate, needs a serious pay rise, after they managed to secure the services of Mike Pope (scrum half) from Cornish Pirates, Karim Lynch (full back) from Ampthill and also Joe Tarrant (front row) from Richmond in the summer, adding to their already impressive squad, which so nearly achieved promotion last season, just losing out to Guernsey Raiders in the play off.

This week, they arrive at Braywick missing skipper and number 8, Joe Rees, loosehead prop, Michael Davies, and also Karim Lynch, but no doubt there will be little drop in quality, such is the depth of their squad. The half-back pairing of Pope, and fly-half Adam Davies will be crucial to the high tempo rugby they play, and it will be no surprise to see the dangerous Sam Hardcastle come off the bench early, with Pope switching to 10. Upfront, flanker Ali Bennett replaces Rees at 8, whilst Hennings moves from second row to blindside flanker, with Manning taking over the hooking duties.

For Maids, there are multiple changes, as mentioned above, but one of the ‘constants’ over the last couple of months, is new scrum half Ceri Morgan, who joined the club over the summer. We took a few minutes to peer inside the warped world of the depraved chavvy Welshman…

 

Name: Ceri Morgan

 

Nickname(s) – “Ron Weasley”, “Harry Potter’s best friend”, “Hobbit”, “Siri”, “Ed Sheeran”, “Goblin”, “Cez”, “Chavvy Chase”.

 

Position(s) – Marching back 10 yards/opposition scrum half’s pocket.

 

Strengths – Confusing team mates, giving away penalties, being ginger, calling Levi “Leroy”, getting children’s train tickets, burglary.

 

Weaknesses – Speaking English, keeping my hair, passing, looks, accent, my ASBO.

 

Occupation – Educating England’s future generation- I tutor spliff-rolling, car theft and arson.

 

If you could be any of your teammates, who would you be and why? Denzel Baptista- he’s a unit, with a gorgeous complexion.

 

Which teammate would you least like to have over for dinner? Andy Berry, he once shouted at me for giving him a bad pass, I think he has ADHD/generic anger issues. He is no longer a fellow ginger.  

What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? Counting sheep, mountain walking, cutting off my tag, joy riding.

 

Tell us something we don’t know about you – I once won an Ed Sheeran look alike competition which Ed Sheeran competed in.

 

What aspirations do you have for this season? – give less than 10 penalties away per game, keeping my hair, promotion. 

 

Adam Lubbock has fully recovered from his bout of ‘Carbonara-colon’, which kept him out of last week’s game at Barnstaple, while new signing Dylan ‘Denzel’ Baptista returns to the squad after a 12-hour chest session last Saturday rendered him unavailable. Ed Keohane plays his last game in a Maids shirt this season, before his 6 month stay at HMP Walton for beating up Big Ron’s best mate outside a taxi earlier in the year, but unfortunately his Dad, Ted can only watch the first half- his bail conditions meaning he must return home before dark.

It’s a warm welcome back to ‘The Toe’, Andy Darlington, who makes his first Maids appearance since Exmouth, after he cut the nail too short on his left big toe, he will thankfully be joined in the front row by brother Mark, who can carry him through the game, and then help him get changed out of his rugby kit, and assist him with eating his dinner. Perry Jansen plays 3 consecutive games for the first time since under 9s, and Dave Cole will aim to avoid his 6th straight ‘Puss of the Week’ award, and last longer than 6 minutes…

 

Bournemouth team:

1.       Tarrant

2.       Manning

3.       Firetto

4.       Leadbeater

5.       Roberts

6.       Hennings

7.       Russell

8.       Bennett

9.       Pope

10.   Davies

11.   Hancox

12.   Chislett

13.   Gleadowe

14.   Stewart

15.   Kirkpatrick

16.   Spikings

17.   Napier

18.   Hardcastle

Maids team (caps in brackets)

1.       M Parrott (c) (191)

2.       M Darlington (29)

3.       A Darlington (28)

4.       S Churchyard (84)

5.       A Berry (10)

6.       L Leonard (32)

7.       W Macaulay (43)

8.       D Cole (28)

9.       C Morgan (7)

10.   P Jansen (84)

11.   S Prince (41)

12.   E Keohane (112)

13.   N Crosley (10)

14.   D Baptista (2)

15.   O Foxley (7)

16.   L Jones (88)

17.   R Long (126)

18.   A Lubbock (11)

Come on you Maids!