Big Bez Bowls into Braywick

Big Bez Bowls into Braywick

Following the backline additions of first Niall Crossley, and then Olly Foxley, Maids have added to their forwards options, by adding Andy Berry to their already impressive armoury. Berry (‘Bez’) joins up with fellow ex Chinnor teammates Andy and Mark Darlington at Braywick, and follows Foxley down the M4 from Reading, joining from National 2 front runners, Redingensians, with whom he spent last season, earning a place in the National 2 Team of the Year, as published in the Rugby Paper.

Sadly, owing to a neck injury, Berry will be moving from his recently familiar position of tighthead prop, to a place in the back 5 of the scrum, covering back row and 2nd row, something not alien to him, as for the majority of his early rugby journey, he appeared in the back row, for both Wasps and Chinnor as a junior. After transitioning to the front row, Berry made England squads at U16 and U18 level, and later went on to represent Old Albanians in National 1, earning a call up to the England Counties squad. Talking about his decision to sign up for Bolton’s Charges, he had this to say:


“I have joined Maids on the basis that it is a real Rugby Club first and foremost. It has a sense of family values and the lads are all a great laugh who look out for one another. It was never an easy decision to leave my previous club, Rams, who I am thankful for a great season last year. They operate a similar sense of values and so this will be an easy transition for me. Having injured my neck and moving out of the front row, I am excited about the prospect of trying to break into the Maids 1XV somewhere else in the pack as we try and mount a promotion from SW Premier”.


 Berry in action for Redingensians last season

Player recruitment can often be a complex process, and the number 1 criteria when looking for new additions to the squad, is always a player’s character, and whether they will embrace the culture and values that are held in such high regard at Braywick. Various members of the squad got to know Berry socially over the last couple of seasons, and all gave glowing recommendations to Bolton, and DoR Gareth Andrews-Jones about his suitability. After conducting his research, Bolton made up his mind on Berry, and is convinced that he has the ball-carrying ability and aggression to make an impact in either the back row or 2nd row in magenta. He commented:


“Signing Andy is a real coup for Maidenhead RFC. He has been a really important player for Redingensians and Chinnor in recent seasons and I am delighted that he will be joining what we hope will be the most competitive pack in the league. Due to recent injury problems he is having to make the transition from front row into the back five and I’m pleased that Andy sees us as a club that will support him with that and we certainly see the potential he can offer us in those positions. I watched a number of games of his for Ensians last season and he showed a real determination and skill set to play open attacking rugby and think he will really fit in to the Maidenhead way of playing. Andy has already made a positive contribution in our early training sessions and I’m looking forward to seeing his quality in our South West Premier fixtures.”

The signing of Berry, after the announcement of Zoran Higgins last week almost concludes Bolton’s transfer business this summer, but there will soon be a rundown on some other new players to the squad, who have moved to the area, been promoted from the Academy or have joined from other local clubs. Watch this space!


#COYM #bleedmagenta




Higgins Commits to Maids

Higgins Commits to Maids

Maids Head Coach, Russell Bolton has pulled off another transfer coup, with the acquisition of highly rated Zoran Higgins, who will join the backroom staff, primarily working as a Forwards Coach across the senior squad.

Higgins, who has top flight playing experience with Bath and Richmond, and who occasionally still dons the boots in Vets fixtures, is a former openside flanker, and one of his primary tasks this year, will be to improve the teams’ efficiency at the breakdown, something which is an area of specialism for him. Bolton felt for a while that his squad would benefit from an expert in this area, if they are to realise their ambition of a top 2 finish this season, and after tracking Higgins for a while, he was finally able to land his man, just before the commencement of preseason, last week. He commented:

“I’m delighted to welcome Zoran as part of our coaching team for the new season. I felt it was key that going into this season we added a new voice and new ideas to help us reach our aims and when looking at coaches who could help us do this Zoran was right at the top of the list.

I have worked with Zoran since my time at Wasps so I know very well the qualities he will bring to the group. I am certain that he will be able to challenge and improve our current group of forwards who I believe have the potential to be the most dominant and dynamic pack in the league. His experience of developing young players will also be critical in helping us to ensure that young Maidenhead players are ready and able to compete for 1st XV places.

I think it shows great ambition by the club to recruit someone of Zoran’s calibre and I know both players and coaches are eager to start working with him.”

Alongside Higgins, Bolton has confirmed various other additions to his coaching unit, welcoming Jack Pattinson, Dan Jacobs and Ed Parrott to the fold, all of whom will be assisting with the running of 3 senior sides this year, in a new-look squad structure. In what we believe to be a fairly unique set up at Maids, Bolton has confirmed that the club will be entering a team into the Zoo Shield this season, alongside a parallel 2nd XV, which will remain in BBO Prem, offering more players at Maids the opportunity to play competitive rugby. The 3rd XV will be continuing in their current guise as a social XV, under the stewardship of Dewald Cilliers.

In addition to the new recruits in the coaching unit, Bolton has unveiled his Senior Leadership team for the coming campaign. Mark Darlington has been formally named Vice Captain for the squad, and will be joined by senior players Will Macauley, Richard Barber and Will Runciman, along with Myke Parrott, who will continue in his role as 1st XV captain.

Backroom staff and roles:


·         Gareth Andrews-Jones – Director of Rugby

·         Russ Bolton – Head Coach

·         Zoran Higgins – Forwards coach

·         Will Greenwood – Backs coach

·         Mark Bates – Assistant coach

·         Jack Pattinson – Assistant coach

·         Ed Parrott – 2nd XV Manager

·         Dan Jacobs – 2nd XV Coach

·         Rob Churchouse – S&C Coach

·         Sharlene Bertie – Head Physio

·         Sam Jarman – Psychology support

·         Steph Caitlin – Nutrition support

·         David Pepper – Environment support

·         Stephen Bough – Chairman

·         Dominic Birch – Assistant Bar Manager/Chief Cheerleader


Senior Leadership group:


·         Myke Parrott- 1st XV Captain

·         Mark Darlington- 1st XV Vice Captain

·         Richard Barber

·         Will Macauley

·         Will Runciman



These are exciting times for the club, and with many of last year’s victorious Colts looking to make the step up, as well as the likes of Leroy Meek returning from University, the club looks in great shape, ahead of what is sure to be another tough season in SW Prem.


With another exciting playing addition to be announced shortly, along with the return to fitness of Tom Finnie, who missed most of last season through injury, Bolton is confident that his squad has what it takes to push on now and make a challenge for National 2 South.


Everyone at Maidenhead RFC wishes William Cadden the very best of luck, as he has been given an opportunity to be involved with a Championship outfit and has made the move to Richmond. Will has been an integral part of the squad for the last 5 years, and we’re sure he has the quality and drive to succeed. Good luck Will!


Foxley comes aboard!

Foxley comes aboard!

Maids have further bolstered their backline options, with the addition of full back/winger, Olly Foxley, from National 2 high-flyers, Redingensians. Foxley, who began his rugby at Pangbourne College, before playing at Nottingham Trent, and later Reading RFC, has been at Redingensians for the past 5 seasons, and has been an almost ever-present, in a team which has risen from mid-table in Nat 3, to within touching distance of level 3 rugby, after finishing 3rd in National 2 South this year.

Commenting on his decision to hop aboard the Maids train, Foxley (pictured in action for Redingensians below) said:


I felt my rugby needed a refresh and I chose Maidenhead for a few reasons – firstly I think they have an ambition to play in the leagues above and with my experience, I think I can play a key role both on and off the field in helping the team progress. Secondly, as a back three player, I have the chance to play on the 4G pitch every week, which excites me, and I know Maidenhead like to play expansive and exciting rugby. Lastly, having Will involved with the club brings another level of excitement, and attraction for both players and supporters- I’m looking forward to improving as a player, and learning as much as I can from him, and the other coaches”


Maids looked on course for a top 2 finish, right up until the latter stages of last season, before key injuries and unavailability, particularly in the backline, dashed those hopes, being overtaken by Bournemouth, who clinched the playoff spot, unfortunately being defeated away to Guernsey. Following on from the signing of Niall Crosley last week, Head Coach Russell Bolton is clearly determined to correct the errors of the previous campaign, and he was clearly ecstatic to be able to add Foxley into his backline armory:


I’m delighted to be able to welcome Olly to the club. We identified early on that our back three was an area where we wanted to improve both the quality and our strength in depth and as soon as we heard of Olly’s interest it was a no brainer to try and bring him in. We were aware of Olly’s talents through some of the joint work we have done with Redingensians over the past couple of seasons and having spoken to their coach Seb Reynolds he couldn’t speak higher of Olly’s character and competitive nature. I think Olly will fit in well with what we hope will be a highly competitive backline next season that compliments the power and set piece accuracy that our forwards currently offer.”

Backs coach Will Greenwood added:


“I’m over the moon that Olly has elected to join Maidenhead, from such a great club like Redingensians- it’s a hugely positive sign that a player of his calibre has chosen to come down the road, and we can’t wait to get stuck into training, and hopefully learn a little from him. From the joint training sessions with ‘Ensians last year, we know Olly has great footwork, and his pace will certainly complement our backline, especially on our 4G pitch at Braywick. We’re very excited with this addition, which no doubt adds quality and depth to our squad.”

Foxley is the 2nd new signing announced at Braywick this summer, with further news of a couple more additions to be released over the coming weeks.

Everyone is delighted to welcome Olly, and his family to Braywick, and we look forward to him becoming a key part of (hopefully) a very successful campaign next year.

Maids v Tynedale- National Cup Final

Maids v Tynedale- National Cup Final

Already now officially the most successful Maidenhead Colts side in history, “Brooksy’s Babes” stand just 70 minutes away, from achieving the truly remarkable feat of becoming National Champions. If this potential achievement wasn’t impressive enough on it’s own, they’ve done it in truly the most difficult circumstances, through adversity which may have broken other teams, but has had the reverse effect on this special group of young men. The strife they have endured this year has united them, and bonded them as the tightest of squads, that work and fight for each other and simply refuse to be beaten.

2 weeks ago, they saw off the latest in a long line of challengers in the semi final at Braywick. Sussex champions, Horsham, despite a brave fightback, never really recovered from a blistering first half from the home team, which saw them lead 26-3 at half time, eventually losing out 31-17, which in all honesty should have been more. A Kieran Grey masterclass from scrum half, and an aggressive magenta wall in defence from 1-22, were the catalysts for a fine result which put them in the final, to be held at the home of Worcester Warriors, Sixways.

The last remaining obstacle hail from Tynedale, Northumberland, who arrive at this game off the back off an impressive 38-17 victory away at Sheffield, following close wins over Old Northamptonians (33-32), Doncaster (13-5) and Percy Park (24-17). Tynedale will be marshalled by fly half and skipper Cam Grant, and he, alongside half back partner, Finn McKendrick, will be tasked with trying to unlock the Maids defence. The back row of Klein (6), Collins (7) and Richards (8) will need the game of their lives to stop Maids’ big runners, whilst Will Roberts at outside centre will have the unenviable job of marking the dangerous Elliot Thorne.

Maids make 2 changes from the side which won in the last round, with Hull and Williamson making way for Riches and Monk respectively, in an otherwise unchanged team. Teo Gaster at 6 will continue with his Friday night ritual of a nap on Big Dom’s sofa, whilst Drew Prince has been promised a kiss from his fit Auntie if he scores at Sixways. The second-row sandpit crew of Phil Wells and Jack Belcher are taking a break from getting booted of local pubs on a Friday night, and will tackle a 24 piece Disney jigsaw puzzle instead, which may take them a while, and Todd Muil can’t wait to celebrate with a birdbath, something he’s been practising regularly with brother Ross at home.

Coming from Braywick tomorrow, will be 4 coach loads of supporters, to be greeted by even more at the stadium, who are making their own way there. Every player, ex and current, coach, parent and supporter is right behind you boys, and we are so so proud of your fine achievements, both on the pitch, where you have been utterly sublime, but more importantly, off the pitch, where it’s clear to see how tight you have become as the season has gone on- a true band of brothers, who we all know, will give 100% tomorrow, led no doubt, by your imperious skipper, James Johnstone.

Do it for your coaches tomorrow- Michael, Stuart, Prinny and Martin. Do it for Gareth, who has had the most turbulent of years, but has still prevailed, stronger and better than ever- it’s clear you would run through walls for the man, and he would for you also. Do it for Brooksie- the man who started you on this journey, who was cruelly denied the opportunity to be there in person tomorrow, but who will be watching down proudly, urging you on, with a huge smile on his face. But, more importantly, do it for yourselves boys- you’ve earnt every single plaudit you get, and if you play the way you have all season, you’ll come out on top.

Tynedale team:

1.       Jeff Wealens

2.       Ollie Murrell

3.       Lewis Spark

4.       Joe Hanning

5.       James Sample

6.       Jack Klein

7.       Sam Collins

8.       Charlie Richards

9.       Finn McKendrick

10.   Cam Grant (c)

11.   Sean Abrams

12.   Tom Robson

13.   Will Roberts

14.   Alex Dryden

15.   Archie Robinson

16.   James Doody

17.   Ben Robson

18.   Euan Daniels

19.   Seth Kippax-Jones

20.   Des Weich

21.   Jack Donaldson

22.   Oscar Caudle

Maids team:

1.       Elio Mandozzi

2.       James Johnstone (c)

3.       Callum Dugmore

4.       Jack Belcher

5.       Phil Wells

6.       Teo Gaster

7.       Joe Thomspon

8.       Todd Muil

9.       Kieran Grey

10.   Elliot Frisby

11.   Ollie Hills

12.   Dan Collins

13.   Elliot Thorne

14.   Josh Odeniyi

15.   James Ford

16.   Matt Hine

17.   Will Manning

18.   Chris Allen

19.   Sam Riches

20.   Drew Prince

21.   Josh Henderson

22.   Louis Monk

Come on you Maids!



Maids Unveil First Summer Signing!

Maids Unveil First Summer Signing!

Everyone at Maidenhead RFC is delighted to unveil our first new signing for the 2018/19 season, Niall Crosley. Niall joins us from North Premier champions, Preston Grasshoppers, who will be playing level 4 rugby next year, in National 2 North, after romping their division last season. A product of their youth system, with a brief time away playing rugby for Hartpury, while at University, Niall has represented England at Under 16 level, and also Lancashire, where he played alongside fellow Lancastrians, Andrew and Mark Darlington.

Backs coach Will Greenwood commented “I’m thrilled to have a player of Niall’s quality onboard at Maidenhead, especially as he has come from my old club, Preston Grasshoppers. We beat various other clubs to secure his signature, and I’m confident he has what it takes to light up this division next year”

Crosley, who can play centre, wing or full back, is a strong ball carrier, with deceptively quick pace, who knows his way to the try line. There were plenty of others, including multiple clubs in National 2 who were keen to secure his services for next season, after his relocation down South, but he was clearly impressed with the ambition and culture that Maids offers. Commenting on his decision, he said

“I’m looking forward to starting a new chapter down South, and I’m really excited to be joining Maidenhead RFC. After meeting with Russ and Myke, it was clear the club is ambitious to progress on and off the pitch. I’ve spoken to a couple of the lads, who I already know at Maids, and they’ve got nothing but good things to say, and now I can’t wait to get started”.

Crosley should feel right at home at Braywick, becoming (approximately) the 93rd Northerner in the squad, with Goonfather, Don Bircheone, leader of the Northern Mafia, slowly getting rid of the Southerners, targeting Keohane, Parrott and Churchyard in his next cull of players. All at Maidenhead excitedly await the fixture lists, which will determine Niall’s maiden bus trip, and his initiation into the squad.

Welcome aboard Niall, we can’t wait to see you in magenta, and are over the moon that you’ve chosen to join us on this journey.

Watch this space, as we reveal news of further signings in the coming weeks.


Maidenhead Colts v Horsham (National Cup Semi-final)

Maidenhead Colts v Horsham (National Cup Semi-final)

It was back in the early 00s, under the stewardship of Gordon Macdonald, John Evans and Mark Brady that Maidenhead Colts, featuring the likes of James Haskell, Tom Guest, Paul Doran-Jones and Nils Mordt, swept all local sides before them, on their way to reaching the latter stages of the National Cup, twice progressing to the semi-finals, and once to the quarters. This remarkable feat has the potential to be bettered this Sunday, as the next breed of Maidenhead superstars, namely Messrs Harris, Muil, Johnstone and Wells take to the field at the Braywick Bowl, just 80 minutes away from sealing a place in the National final.

The visitors to Braywick for this highly anticipated clash derive from Sussex, namely Horsham RFC, who arrive at this game after seeing off Worcester 32-13 in the quarter final 2 weeks ago. They head into this match up in red hot form, after clinching the Sussex Cup a week ago, seeing off Brighton 19-8, meaning they enter this game unbeaten for the season so far.

Back row forward Vince Everitt, who scored 2 tries in the last round against Worcester, will look to get his side on the front foot, and the Maids back row need to shut him down early, to stop quick ball getting out to fly half Joe Blake, who will punish any Maids misdemeanors off the tee, if given the chance. Sadly, Horsham didn’t come through the last tie unscathed, losing both scrum half Aaron Linfield and centre, Jem Minto to serious injuries, which sees them out for the remainder of the season.

A thumping 59-21 midweek victory over Redingensians Rams, clinched the BBO title for the young Maids side, finishing ahead of Marlow- the only side that have beaten the champions this season, with a narrow win pre-Xmas. Since that day, Cup wins against last year’s national champions, Guildford (45-5), Beaconsfield (W/O), Marlow (45-30) and London Irish (23-15) set up a mouth-watering clash, away at well-fancied Bishop’s Stortford in the QF. Up against the organized, well-drilled home side, Maids had to dig in early doors, seeing little ball in the first 15 minutes. However, after settling into the game, they displayed little of the nerves often associated with playing away from home, and streaked clear, inspired by a Ben Harris hat trick to prevail 52-31, in a score that arguably was closer than it should have been. This result put them into the last 4, with either Sheffield or Tynedale awaiting in the final at Sixways, Worcester in 2 weeks.

In the Maids team, skipper James Johnstone will be tasked with the smooth running of the set piece, the hooker will be looking to lock forward Phil Wells for clean ball at lineout time, and along with props Elio Mandozzi and Callum Dugmore, aiming to provide a platform at scrum time. The backs, marshalled by half backs Kieran Grey and Elliot Frisby have plenty of pace out wide at their disposal, and will be looking to Josh Odeniyi in particular, to test the Horsham back 3.

Much to Big Dom Birch’s displeasure, a large crowd is anticipated for this game, and no doubt, a Maids win will cap a thoroughly miserable season for the Assistant Bar Manager, who was hopeful of the 1st XV getting relegated. Senior player, Ed Keohane, along with Dad, Ted, will be looking for a nice Sunday tear up in the stand, while it is hoped that Fwankie is untied from Lewis Jones’ chocolate machine to come and make Meeeester Gaweth a weally happy man, with lots of special cuddles. Steve Prince has been practicing the delivery of his pre match inspirational talk all week, borrowed from Mark Bates, and is feeling confident he can successfully deliver the somewhat ‘Churchillian’ speech of ‘f*****g whack ‘em’, without forgetting his lines. He must take much credit for the development of this group of players, after identifying members of the ‘sandpit crew’ at a young age, continued by regular reminders of their status through the years.

The incredible achievements of this young side after the adversity of losing their coach, Brooksy, so suddenly will take a long time to comprehend, and there’s no doubt, that this season, and all they have overcome will be remembered for many a year. Whatever happens this Sunday lads, just know that the whole club, from under 6s to 1st team, from your parents to the committee, we could not be more proud of you. Give 100%, and know that TB will be up there watching you with a smile, beaming with pride, and when things get a little tough out there on Sunday, just remember that he’s got your back.


Maids team:

15 James Ford

14 Josh Odeniyi

13 Elliott Thorne

12 Dan Collins

11 Ollie Hills

10 Eliot Frisby

9 Kieran Grey

1 Elio Mandozzi

2 James Johnstone (C)

3 Callum Dugmore

4 Jack Belcher

5 Phil Wells

6 Teo Gaster

7 Joe Thompson

8 Todd Muil


16 Matt Hine

17 Will Manning

18 Ollie Hull

19 Chris Allen

20 Drew Prince

21 Josh Henderson

22 Max Williamson  

Come on you Maids!

#Brooksysbabes #oneclub


Maids v Camborne (home)

Maids v Camborne (home)

Here we are again, about to sign off for the summer, after yet another season passes by in the blink of an eye. After winning the league last year, and subsequent promotion to SW Premier, no doubt everyone associated with the club would have taken our current position of 4th, with a game to go, if offered at the start of this campaign. However, the boys can’t help but think that had it not been for some key injuries and unavailabilities, a few poor decisions and the odd bit of bad luck, then we could be finishing as runners up, and heading to the play offs. Everyone at the club is buoyed by results and performances this season, and we’re sure that with a few key additions, a couple of tweaks, and lots of hard work in preseason, then next season we can have a real go at the title.

The season finishes, much how it started, against the ‘Cherry and Whites’, Camborne, from West Cornwall. In the opening fixture of the 17/18 season, Maids made the long journey home with 2 valuable bonus points, narrowly being edged out 30-27, after a Dave Mankee kicking masterclass secured the Camborne win. Despite the loss, Maids came away with confidence in their ability to compete at this level, which the league table no doubt illustrates. There will be no repeat of that performance from Mankee this time round however, as his number 10 shirt is filled by player coach Rhodri McAtee. Another player coach, in the imposing figure of Damien Cook starts in the 2nd row, and they even have DoR, Liam Chapple starting on the wing…maybe Russ Bolton could be tempted into giving forwards coach Mark Bates a place on the bench to continue this theme?

In summary of a wonderful season on the pitch, for the whole club, it would be remiss to omit a mention for the awful tragedy the club has endured off the pitch. Firstly, the club lost Maidenhead stalwart David Perry after he lost his brave battle with cancer, and then more recently, the sudden passing of DoR Tony Brooks. The loss of these two fine men has left a huge hole in our club, which we’re struggling to fill, and come to terms with. One thing is for sure, everyone at the club is determined to honour their memory by sticking together, working hard, and being the best we can be.

There are so many people at the club, who contribute so much to the running of our fabulous establishment, who don’t get the recognition they deserve, but on behalf of all the senior squad players, there are a few people I’d like to mention- Colin the Kitman, and Mick aka Timmy Saville, for sorting all our kit, often at short notice (when Dom doesn’t bother telling them of changes), Jockstrap John, for running the line, and making the rest of us look normal, Lynda in the kitchen- your food is amazing!!!

Our physio team, headed by Sharlene, and ably assisted by Mandingo Ali aka the ‘Black Mamba’, Ellie, Megan and the two Beths have done a fantastic job in keeping our players on the pitch- thank you for all of your hard work. Unsung hero Gareth Andrews-Jones, Meeeeester Gaweth, our Team Manager, Fixture Secretary, Colts Coach and all round legend gives countless hours to ensuring things run smoothly behind the scenes, we very much appreciate all you do for us, along with our other coaches- Russ ‘Chimpy’ Bolton, Mark ‘Badger’ Bates, Greens, Rob, Brad, you have helped create and maintain a fantastic environment for us players, and we are all so fortunate to have you guys onboard. In the upper echelons of the club, our brilliant committee- Geoff, Keith, Mike Andrew, Chairman Boughy, thank you all for your unwavering support, and especially big thanks to Boughy, for making our alcohol level consumptions appear remarkably low, when compared to yours. And finally, our larger than life Commercial Manager, Big Dom Birch, and his team- Wozza, Harvey, Ellie, Georgia et al, thank you for your tolerance, humour, great service and hard work, but thanks mainly for your tolerance…

In an attempt to learn more about the great man himself, Big Dom kindly took half an hour out of his mid-morning nap time, to let us know a little more about him:

*Name/Nicknames? ‘Twinkle Toes’, ‘Mr Happy’, ‘Chuckles’, ‘Big D’, ‘Big Dom’, ‘Don Bircheone’, ‘Goonfather’.


*Position? As Twinkle Toes above, best suited in a fast-paced back line at 12 or 13. At a pinch, flying down the wing skinning one and all.


*Occupation? Boughie’s Boss, Assistant Bar Manager, Chief Thief.


*Which Maids player would you least like to be stuck on a desert island with? Gotta be Chilli; something seriously wrong with him, on all levels – basically there’s no other way to put it but he’s a dirty wrong ‘un. Or Cads as I just don’t know what he’s talking about – it takes me back to caring for my kids when they were first born. Also, neither of my two reprobate children; Ellie and Francis (‘The Two

Rocky’s’) as I’d get my head kicked in or arrested if I spent time with them.


*Which Maids player would you most like to be stuck on a desert island with? 100% Coley; he’s so fat I could beat him over any distance. And Max Roddick – he’s a lovely sweet boy with lovely manners.

Hang on Batesy as well – he’s a cracker. He can fix my plumbing any time……


*Favourite TV Programme? I like to just watch the Maidenhead CCTV on repeat, and conjure up reasons to ban the goons from the clubhouse.


*Hobbies? Usual; flower arranging and keeping fit. Can’t get enough of either. When I get time, I enjoy seal clubbing, burning plastic, dropping litter, and general pollution.


*If you could be any animal, what would you be and why? I’d like to try Rhino or Elephant. All my life have been likened to a Gazelle – wanna look at it from the other side.


*What do you want to achieve this season, both personally and as a team? Personally, thinking of Le Sables ultra-marathon – tired of the standard ones of 26miles – beginning to feel like a jog in the park. And considering taking over management & coaching of team. Sick of Russell; far too much achievement and then what really gets my goat is everyone coming up from training sessions smiling, buying drinks and sometimes staying for more than an hour. 

As a team, finish bottom; keeps the punters away and again all that nonsense with goons wandering around just gurning and buying drinks. Pay your entrance fee, buy your drinks without smiling and wishing me a happy day and go home 30 mins after final whistle. Goons.

Back in the Maids lineup this week, is Dave ‘The Flake’ Cole, who has finished his Easter hibernation, successfully living off nothing but Easter Eggs for 30 days straight. Cole is joined in the back row by Will Macaulay, who is fortunate to be included, following the discovery of his sexual abuse and abandonment of the team’s much-loved furry animal ‘Mr Beaver’. In the 2nd XV, CEO of the ‘Sandpit Crew’, Rupert Erskine skippers the side, as reward for lowering his penalty count into single figures for the first time this season versus Newbury a week ago, and Rorie ‘Cow Head’ Hannigan starts at 12, despite grave head injury concerns, after putting his head through 17 pub windows last week.

Off the pitch, Ted Keohane and the Maids Ultras have agreed to fight during both the 1st and 2nd XV games tomorrow, hoping to end the season on a real high, before moving onto cricket violence for the summer, whilst Will Cadden is sure to ignore the boys all afternoon again, in his pursuit of Ellie, only to get drunk later on, and no doubt blow his chances. Again. With the early kick off, Sam Churchyard has anticipated 5pm to be the time he upsets Wozza behind the bar, to be shortly followed by Sam Angell making a swift exit, because he has to attend his Nan’s sister’s, second cousin’s tea party by 3pm on Sunday. For those up late, Sammy Hallett will be on Facebook live giving a tour of his kitchen, starting at 2.30am sharp.

Camborne team:

1.       Hearn

2.       Southwell

3.       Drew (c)

4.       Cook

5.       Riches

6.       Nicholls

7.       Rose

8.       Goldsworthy

9.       Peacock

10.   McAtee

11.   Bawden

12.   Westlake

13.   Tyler-Guy

14.   Chapple

15.   Newman

16.   Zacharovas

17.   Bartle

18.   AN Other

Maids team (1st XV appearances in brackets)

1.       M Parrott (c) (179)

2.       R Barber (17)

3.       A Darlington (21)

4.       S Hallett (24)

5.       S Churchyard (74)

6.       L Leonard (23)

7.       W Macaulay (36)

8.       D Cole (18)

9.       M Childerhouse (102)

10.   A Lubbock (2)

11.   M Roddick (11)

12.   L Ellis (8)

13.   E Keohane (105)

14.   G Blewitt (11)

15.   S Prince (35)

16.   L Jones (79)

17.   M Grimshaw (5)

18.   A French (18)


Come on you Maids!