Maids v Bracknell (away)

Maids v Bracknell (away)

This round of fixtures takes us to the halfway mark of the 2018/19 season, and what better way to finish the first half of the campaign, than with a big derby against our Berkshire rivals, Bracknell. Despite Maids’ outstanding victory against Bournemouth, ending their impressive 11-game unbeaten streak last Saturday, they will be cautious of a dangerous Bracknell team, who have just the solitary loss on home soil so far this season, when Bournemouth prevailed 13-3.

Bracknell will be led out at Lily Hill by hooker Michael Clarke, who will be hoping for a repeat of his fine personal performances in the derby fixtures last season, and he’ll be joined in the front row by new recruit, Elliot Bellman, and also former Bath and Ospreys prop, Ken Dowding. Youngster, and former Welly boy, Thomas Spencer-Jones has impressed from openside so far this season, and he’ll be hoping to get the nod to start in the back row, whilst in the backline, it’s another youngster, Vic Hardwicke, who will be charged with running the game from fly half. Cam McDonald at wing or centre has plenty of tries already this season, so will be one to watch out for, and the Maids midfield will have to try and keep Kiwi centre Jason Henry quiet- he’s a big carrier for the home team, and could prove pivotal in wet conditions.

For Russ Bolton’s men, there are welcome returns to the squad for Mikey Davies and sexy Max Roddick, with Ryan Long replacing Laurence Leonard in the 6 shirt, and Leonard reverting to the bench. Stepping into the number 10 shirt this week is the sober, oddball eccentric, Adam Lubbock, who took time out from getting roasted by the sandpit crew, to answer a few questions.

Name: Adam Lubbock

 

Nickname(s) – “Lubbsie”, “Lubbs”, “Mr Lubba Lubba”, “The Snake Charmer”, “Ads”, “ADHD Adam”.

 

Position(s) – Fly half/centre/Will Runciman’s understudy

 

Strengths – Getting ill the day before big games when we have no other backs, missing tackles, right hand passing, snake charming, keeping the bench warm, Instagram.

 

Weaknesses – Tackling, left hand passing, starting games, putting on weight, Whatsapp arguments with Elio and Myles.

 

Occupation – PT/MILF Tamer

 

If you could be any of your teammates, who would you be and why? I’d be Owen Langstone or Levi Meek, they don’t get picked on by Myles or Elio like I do.

 

Which teammate would you least like to have over for dinner? Has to be ‘Chavvy Chase’ aka Ceri Morgan, I literally don’t understand a word he says, and he’d nick my telly if I popped to the loo.

 

What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? I play naked piano for old people, for whom I have an unnatural fetish.

 

Tell us something we don’t know about you – I didn’t play against Barnstaple, because I needed to be at my computer to register for Robbie Williams tickets.

 

What aspirations do you have for this season? – start 2 games in a row, nick that playoff spot and find out Big Ron’s favorite colour.

 

To the delight of everyone, Will Cadden has been formally banned from the club for the foreseeable future for consistent ‘piking’ of drinks, crisps and anything else he can get his hands on, but luckily his fwends at Wichmond can take the mantle and put up with the nause moving forward. Perry Jansen is off ‘doing a Foxley’ this weekend, so is unavailable, but it is hoped that Todd Muil and Myke Parrott can overcome their recent serious injuries- a cut ear and dead arm respectively. Niall Crosley, buoyed by his first ever line break last week continues at centre, and is partnered by new signing Dylan ‘Denzel’ Baptista, who has swiftly been added to “Ellie’s list”. Big Ted Keohane will be looking to return to the scene of the crime last year, and has vowed to “find the little ***** who nicked my Guinness”, before later venturing into town with some underage drinkers for a fight with the bouncers at the Bear.

Big Ron has struggled to shift the fire logs he is giving away for free, so if anyone would like some high quality, locally-sourced firewood, please give him a call urgently, on 07715 965534. He usually picks up on the 3rd or 4th call, so if you don’t get through, please keep trying.

 

Maids team (caps in brackets)

1.       M Parrott (c) (192)

2.       M Darlington (30)

3.       A Darlington (29)

4.       S Churchyard (85)

5.       A Berry (11)

6.       R Long (127)

7.       W Macaulay (44)

8.       D Cole (29)

9.       C Morgan (8)

10.   A Lubbock (12)

11.   S Prince (42)

12.   D Baptista (3)

13.   N Crosley (11)

14.   M Davies (29)

15.   M Roddick (18)

16.   L Jones (89)

17.   L Leonard (33)

18.   T Muil (11)

 

Come on you Maids!

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Maids v Bournemouth (home)

Maids v Bournemouth (home)

After a disappointing 39-7 loss away to Barnstaple last weekend, Maids face their sternest test yet this season, welcoming unbeaten Bournemouth to Braywick. Barnstaple must be congratulated for their convincing win a week ago, against a side decimated with unavailability and injury, but with no lack of effort, especially with exciting youngsters such as Owen Langstone, Elio Mandozzi and Myles Williamson, who all put their hands up in tricky circumstances.

Maids are boosted this week, with the returns of Andrew and Mark Darlington, Will Macaulay, Ed Keohane, Olly Foxley, Dylan Baptista and Adam Lubbock, all of whom missed the trip to Barnstaple last Saturday, and they’ll be hoping to emulate their recent success against Ivybridge, and inflict a first defeat of the season on their visitors. Coached by Will Croker, the Men from the South Coast lead the division by 11 points, winning all 11 games so far which makes them clear favourites for the title, and a return to National 2 South.

Whoever is in charge of recruitment down at Chapel Gate, needs a serious pay rise, after they managed to secure the services of Mike Pope (scrum half) from Cornish Pirates, Karim Lynch (full back) from Ampthill and also Joe Tarrant (front row) from Richmond in the summer, adding to their already impressive squad, which so nearly achieved promotion last season, just losing out to Guernsey Raiders in the play off.

This week, they arrive at Braywick missing skipper and number 8, Joe Rees, loosehead prop, Michael Davies, and also Karim Lynch, but no doubt there will be little drop in quality, such is the depth of their squad. The half-back pairing of Pope, and fly-half Adam Davies will be crucial to the high tempo rugby they play, and it will be no surprise to see the dangerous Sam Hardcastle come off the bench early, with Pope switching to 10. Upfront, flanker Ali Bennett replaces Rees at 8, whilst Hennings moves from second row to blindside flanker, with Manning taking over the hooking duties.

For Maids, there are multiple changes, as mentioned above, but one of the ‘constants’ over the last couple of months, is new scrum half Ceri Morgan, who joined the club over the summer. We took a few minutes to peer inside the warped world of the depraved chavvy Welshman…

 

Name: Ceri Morgan

 

Nickname(s) – “Ron Weasley”, “Harry Potter’s best friend”, “Hobbit”, “Siri”, “Ed Sheeran”, “Goblin”, “Cez”, “Chavvy Chase”.

 

Position(s) – Marching back 10 yards/opposition scrum half’s pocket.

 

Strengths – Confusing team mates, giving away penalties, being ginger, calling Levi “Leroy”, getting children’s train tickets, burglary.

 

Weaknesses – Speaking English, keeping my hair, passing, looks, accent, my ASBO.

 

Occupation – Educating England’s future generation- I tutor spliff-rolling, car theft and arson.

 

If you could be any of your teammates, who would you be and why? Denzel Baptista- he’s a unit, with a gorgeous complexion.

 

Which teammate would you least like to have over for dinner? Andy Berry, he once shouted at me for giving him a bad pass, I think he has ADHD/generic anger issues. He is no longer a fellow ginger.  

What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? Counting sheep, mountain walking, cutting off my tag, joy riding.

 

Tell us something we don’t know about you – I once won an Ed Sheeran look alike competition which Ed Sheeran competed in.

 

What aspirations do you have for this season? – give less than 10 penalties away per game, keeping my hair, promotion. 

 

Adam Lubbock has fully recovered from his bout of ‘Carbonara-colon’, which kept him out of last week’s game at Barnstaple, while new signing Dylan ‘Denzel’ Baptista returns to the squad after a 12-hour chest session last Saturday rendered him unavailable. Ed Keohane plays his last game in a Maids shirt this season, before his 6 month stay at HMP Walton for beating up Big Ron’s best mate outside a taxi earlier in the year, but unfortunately his Dad, Ted can only watch the first half- his bail conditions meaning he must return home before dark.

It’s a warm welcome back to ‘The Toe’, Andy Darlington, who makes his first Maids appearance since Exmouth, after he cut the nail too short on his left big toe, he will thankfully be joined in the front row by brother Mark, who can carry him through the game, and then help him get changed out of his rugby kit, and assist him with eating his dinner. Perry Jansen plays 3 consecutive games for the first time since under 9s, and Dave Cole will aim to avoid his 6th straight ‘Puss of the Week’ award, and last longer than 6 minutes…

 

Bournemouth team:

1.       Tarrant

2.       Manning

3.       Firetto

4.       Leadbeater

5.       Roberts

6.       Hennings

7.       Russell

8.       Bennett

9.       Pope

10.   Davies

11.   Hancox

12.   Chislett

13.   Gleadowe

14.   Stewart

15.   Kirkpatrick

16.   Spikings

17.   Napier

18.   Hardcastle

Maids team (caps in brackets)

1.       M Parrott (c) (191)

2.       M Darlington (29)

3.       A Darlington (28)

4.       S Churchyard (84)

5.       A Berry (10)

6.       L Leonard (32)

7.       W Macaulay (43)

8.       D Cole (28)

9.       C Morgan (7)

10.   P Jansen (84)

11.   S Prince (41)

12.   E Keohane (112)

13.   N Crosley (10)

14.   D Baptista (2)

15.   O Foxley (7)

16.   L Jones (88)

17.   R Long (126)

18.   A Lubbock (11)

Come on you Maids!

Maids v Old Patesians (home)

Maids v Old Patesians (home)

Maids resume their South West campaign, via a welcome week off, off the back of a highly encouraging 26-10 victory away at Newton Abbot last time out, a game in which they played with a high tempo and accuracy rarely seen away from Fortress Braywick over the last couple of years. Despite an early injury to Andy Berry, who scored 2 tries in the opening 15 minutes, followed by the withdrawal of Rorie Hannigan before the break, due to a broken foot, Bolton’s side managed to restrict their normally free-scoring hosts to just the solitary try, and even when down to 13 men for the last 7 minutes, refused to allow their try line to be breached.

This week, we welcome our old Gloucestershire friends, Old Patesians to Braywick, who were promoted into South West Premier, off the back of a title-winning year last season in South West One. It’s been a tough start for Old Pats, and they currently sit rooted to the bottom of the table, winless after 9 games. However, recent results have improved for the Cheltenham boys- a close fought 35-41 loss to Exeter Uni, and a 4 try bonus point away at Exmouth illustrates they are no mugs, and just as Weston did earlier in the season, will arrive at Braywick pumped up, looking to turn the form book on it’s head.

New skipper George Angell misses out this week, and this loss in the back row is compounded by the recent departure of Scott Alldritt, who has left the country for a new job. However, Rich Hance will start at number 8- he is a strong ball carrier who will need shutting down early. Matt Dean will start in the number 10 shirt for Pats, with the imposing figure of Jackson Ellmers outside him at 12- a recent new signing from New Zealand.

For Maids, there are a few enforced changes, but one lad enjoying a consistent spell with the 1s recently, is the naughty little warthog Lewis Jones, who we spoke to for this weeks’ player interview…

 

Name- Lewis Jones

Nickname(s)- ‘Pumba’, ‘Lunchlady’, ‘LJ’, ‘Andrew Biggie Morris’, ‘Lunchy’, ‘Lunch Money Lewis’, ‘Calf-ton Palmer’, ‘The Weeble’.

Position(s)- Face down on Sharlene’s physio bed, but only after I’ve paid my subs, or she tells me to **** off.

Strengths- all you can eat buffets, excuses, getting kicked out of Whatsapp groups, finding truffles.

Weaknesses- all you can eat buffets, my calves, breaking off mauls and not scoring, food prep, food prep pictures.

Occupation- PE Teacher- the kids need to do as I say, not as I do.

If you could be any of your teammates, who would you be and why? Andy Darlo- I’d love to be as moody as him all the time.

Which teammate would you least like to have over for dinner? Niall Crosley- I’d end up knocking him out, but at least he’d forgive me.

What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? Counting calories, kit assistant for Abbey Ladies, supervising them change and EDL meet ups.

Tell us something we don’t know about you- I once spent 3 days in hospital with a suspected stomach tumour, but it was trapped wind.

What are your aspirations for this season? Play for the 1st XV as much as possible, and make sure nobody finds the hidden camera in the Abbey Ladies’ changing room.

Now that ‘The Goblin’ has left the club, new scrum half Ceri Morgan takes over the mantle of ‘ugliest bloke’ in the squad, but at least he’s a nice lad with it, though nobody can understand a word he mumbles in his chav Welsh accent, whilst there’s a fellow new boy in the squad this week for Ellie Birch to get her teeth into, Dylan Baptiste. He’ll have to show some patience though, as Saturday night is date night, with new squeeze ‘Liam’, who is admittedly ‘just a bit of fun’, before she goes on another long holiday with her Dad, Big Ron, in January.

Since shouting at the squad after the Weston game for a lack of commitment, ‘BGB’, Andy Berry hasn’t been seen at training, and he takes a week off this Saturday to wash his car and mow his lawn- he is replaced in the squad by Mark Grimshaw, with Todd Muil starting in the row. Will Runciman has developed an over-dependency on Ali’s truncheon foam-roller, straining his MCL through excessive use, and is ironically replaced by the ‘snake-charmer’ Adam Lubbock at fly half. Elio Mandozzi keeps his place in the squad, despite his ‘artwork’ on the coach after his initiation, and Russ Bolton will be bringing his chalk board for him to play with whilst on the bench, so he can practise his shapes and colours.

 

The whole squad will be playing for fullback Tom Finnie this week, who has suffered the tragic loss of his Mum in the last week. Everyone pulling on a Maids shirt this week, will be doing so with the Finnie family in the forefront of their minds, aiming to put in a great performance and hopefully a win, for him and his family. We send our love and best wishes, and hope Tom can stay strong in this difficult period x

 

Old Pats team:

1.       Hart

2.       White

3.       Phillips

4.       Evans

5.       Jennings

6.       Howes

7.       Goggins

8.       Hance

9.       Knight

10.   M Dean

11.   J Aherne

12.   Ellmers

13.   Astley

14.   Spurrier

15.   Hathaway

16.   C Dean

17.   White

18.   O Aherne

 

Maids team (caps in brackets)

1.       M Parrott (c) (189)

2.       R Barber (25)

3.       L Jones (86)

4.       S Churchyard (82)

5.       T Muil (10)

6.       L Leonard (31)

7.       W Macaulay (42)

8.       D Cole (26)

9.       C Morgan (5)

10.   A Lubbock (10)

11.   S Prince (39)

12.   E Keohane (111)

13.   P Jansen (82)

14.   N Crosley (8)

15.   O Foxley (7)

16.   E Mandozzi (3)

17.   M Grimshaw (7)

18.   D Baptiste (debut)

Come on you Maids!

Maids v Newton Abbott (away)

Maids v Newton Abbott (away)

Well, the less said about last week’s performance, the better. Fair play to Weston Super Mare, who turned up to Braywick, with an effective game plan, which was executed perfectly, and they deservedly won on the day. We wish them all the best for the rest of the season and have no doubt they will climb the table if they keep performing like that.

One of the best things about rugby, is being able to get back on the park a week later, and right some wrongs, which is exactly what Maids will be looking to do, as they travel to Newton Abbott. The ‘All Whites’ as they are known, have had a similar start to that of Weston this season- lots of close losses, but last week was a wake-up call, and all in the Maids camp know that nobody can be taken lightly in this league, especially a side featuring a former Premiership winner in Matt Jess, who is player/coach of the home side and very much a talisman for them. Former Plymouth Albion and Brixham fly half Tom Putt is likely to start, so discipline will be absolutely key for Maidenhead, as will the centre partnership of Hannigan and Keohane, who will be tasked with keeping Jess, and the dangerous Kevin Dennis at inside centre, quiet.

For Maids, this week sees new boy Niall Crosley revert to his favoured wing position, and he is the feature of this weeks’ player interview, where he took his sweet time to mumble some half-arsed answers for us;

 

Name: Niall Crosley

Nickname(s)- ‘Ginge’, ‘Naz’, ‘Rowan’, ‘Linebreak’, ‘Frank the Tank’, ‘Shiv’s punchbag’, ‘BGN’, ‘Beta Ginge’.

Position(s)- Fullback/Wing/Centre

Strengths- Initiations, taking punches, Johnny B Good, sun burn.

Weaknesses- Chat, linebreaks, dildo-hands, pre-game presentation, bus drivers, domestic abuse.

Occupation- Sitting in the office at London Irish in decent stash, listening to Ainsley Campbell talk garbage, wishing I’d got a proper coaching job.

If you could be any of your teammates, who would you be and why? Olly Foxley because he’s the real Alpha Male.

Which teammate would you least like to have over for dinner? Pumba, but if he knocks me out, I’ll forgive him.

What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? learning self-defence, asking Parrott about meet times and getting kicked off London buses.

Tell us something we don’t know about you- I have the current world record for amount of Pukka Pies eaten in 5 minutes (7.5).

What are your aspirations for this season? To make a linebreak, and help the team get promoted.

Big Don Birch enjoying his latest holiday

The Maids lads will be eagerly awaiting the identity of the coach driver tomorrow morning, and all are hopeful of the return of ‘Afghani Annie’, who did a sterling job on the way back from Exmouth, even stopping the bus on the motorway, to give the boys more time away from their WAGS. Big Don Birch is delighted with how his week has gone- after successfully getting parking tickets on the players’ cars and taking a cut from the council, he further boosted his coffers by selling lineout calls to Newton Abbott, and even managed to drive away Prinny for a few days by turning off the Becks.

Scott Prince is back in the 1st XV, after guaranteeing that his Mrs would be present at all home games he features in, and there is also a return to the squad for Ed Keohane, whose new wife has already had enough of his incoherent mumblings on honeymoon, compounded by the hogging of the karaoke machine every night, for his renditions of ‘A Little Respect’. Ryan Long continues his absence from the squad, he is currently a contestant on BBC’s ‘The Apprentice’, where he hopes to convince Lord Sugar that his Maids RFC- themed nightclub coaches which only travel between Maids and Devon, are worthy of his investment. ‘Shuggs’ is receptive to the idea, but is struggling with Longy’s preferred method of communication, the shrug, something they are trying to overcome. Ted Keohane has had a cracking week on the terraces, storming the pitch at West Ham in a Scream mask, and then hitting Neil Lennon with a coin at the Edinburgh derby on Wednesday, he misses out on the trip to Newton Abbott, owing to bail conditions.

Everyone at the club would like to extend their sincere thanks to Tom King, who, after sustaining his latest in a long line of shoulder injuries, has taken the decision to retire from rugby. Since coming to Braywick last season, Tom has been a huge asset to Maids- his hard-hitting, no-nonsense approach to the game has seen him win multiple man of the match awards, and his contribution to the club off the pitch (mainly on the bus trips), has been highly entertaining. We have loved having Tom as part of the squad at Braywick, and just wish it had been for a little longer. We wish him all the best, and hope he comes down to support when he can. Always a part of the Maids family Kingy!

Maids team (caps in brackets):

  1. M Parrott (c) (188)
  2. M Darlington (28)
  3. L Jones (85)
  4. S Churchyard (81)
  5. A Berry (8)
  6. L Leonard (30)
  7. W Macaulay (41)
  8. D Cole (25)
  9. C Morgan (4)
  10. W Runciman (27)
  11. S Prince (38)
  12. R Hannigan (31)
  13. E Keohane (110)
  14. N Crosley (7)
  15. O Foxley (6)
  16. A Darlington (28
  17. T Muil (9)
  18. A Lubbock (9)

Come on you Maids!

 

Maids v Weston (home)

Maids v Weston (home)

For the second week in a row, Maids have the comfort of playing in front of a home crowd, and will be hoping to claw back some ground on league leaders Bournemouth, who now sit top of the pile, clear by 4 points. Bournemouth face a tricky trip away to the Forest of Dean to play league new boys Drybrook, who showed what a good side they are, losing very narrowly away at Barnstaple 25-20 last week, after consecutive wins over Old Pats and then away at Newton Abbott.

Maids are under no illusions as to the danger that visitors, Weston Super-Mare pose this Saturday, despite their lowly league position. ‘The Seasiders’ ran Ivybridge very close recently, losing just 24-20 away from home, and they have also had to face the other top teams in the division, Bournemouth and Barnstaple, so despite sitting currently sitting in 13th, they are a better side than the table suggests.

It could prove to be a fascinating contest upfront this week- both packs have dominant scrums, both teams are skippered by the loose head props- Sam Coles for Weston, and Parrott for Maids, whilst the 2 number 8s- Brad Talbot for the away team, and Dave Cole for the home side both score plenty of tries. Weston are missing second row Andy Glen from last weeks’ home defeat to Brixham, he is replaced by Callum Kingscott, whilst former Saints player, and now Player/Coach, Glen Dickson, is replaced at fly half by young George Chapman. He will be partnered at half back by new signing, New Zealander, Kadin Brocks.

For Maids, there are a few changes, some enforced, some not, but we decided to focus on young ‘Sex Bomb’ Max Roddick, who is enjoying a consistent spell in the first XV, after a season that was somewhat hampered by injury last year.

Name- Max Roddick

Nickname(s)- “Maxy”, “Roddiculous”, “Poppet”, “Stuart Little”, “Churchy’s Plaything”, “Jailbait”

Position(s)- Full back/Wing/tied up in Churchy’s bedroom

Occupation- Market Research

Weaknesses- Market Research, height, weight, speed, strength, footsize, replying to texts.

Strengths- Flirting, shaking my toosh for the boys, not scoring, chop tackling.

If you could be any of your teammates, who would you be and why? I’d be Jaryd Robinson, he’s fast enough to run away from Predators, and is really good at Kapadi.

Which teammate would you least like to have over for dinner? Adam Lubbock- my Mum would see his snake charming trick, fall in love with him, and before I knew it, my Dad would be out the door, Lubbs would be my Stepdad and be putting me in all his Insta stories.

What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? Being sexy.

Tell us something we don’t know about you- I was in Eastenders, as Ben Mitchell, when I was a baby.

What are your aspirations for this season? Promotion, learn how to kick, get a rig like the Fox.

 

Andy ‘The Toe’ Darlington has ducked the second consecutive game against a strong scrummaging side and has travelled to Edinburgh for a weekend of selfies with his girlfriend, he is replaced at tight head by Lewis Jones who is buzzing with anticipation for the biggest event of his calendar on Wednesday evening- trick or treating on Halloween. Laurence Leonard returns to England, after assisting Donald Trump with making some pipe bombs, and he’ll join up with the 2s over at Amersham, whilst Rorie ‘The Cow’ Hannigan will just show up on Saturday midday, oblivious as to which team he is playing in, and where. Ed Keohane is off to ignore his new wife on honeymoon for a week, concentrating on trolling on social media, and sourcing new content for the Whatsapp group, interrupted only by the odd mumble, and awkward pose for a few photos.

With the impending Halloween Party on Saturday night at the club, rumours are growing of a repeat performance from a certain ‘Zorro’, who may make an appearance in light of Ellie Birch’s friend joining the party, so, please all make sure changing room 3 is clean and tidy after the games.

 

Weston team:

1.       S Coles (c)

2.       M Hocking

3.       O Streeter

4.       C Kingscott

5.       A Russell

6.       T Sugg

7.       D Spelman

8.       B Talbot

9.       K Brocks

10.   G Chapman

11.   A Howman

12.   M Nel

13.   C Maslen

14.   H Morgan

15.   R Mckay

16.   T Hocking

17.   M Turton

18.   R Bennett

 

Maids team (caps in brackets):

1.       M Parrott (c) (187)

2.       M Darlington (27)

3.       L Jones (84)

4.       S Churchyard (80)

5.       A Berry (7)

6.       T Muil (8)

7.       W Macaulay (40)

8.       D Cole (24)

9.       C Morgan (3)

10.   W Runciman (26)

11.   M Roddick (17)

12.   R Hannigan (30)

13.   N Crosley (6)

14.   A Lubbock (8)

15.   O Foxley (5)

16.   S Rawsthorne (2)

17.   O Langstone (1)

18.   P Jansen (81)

 

Come on you Maids!

Maids v Ivybridge (home)

Maids v Ivybridge (home)

After a much needed week off, rugby returns this week to Braywick, as the 1st XV welcome unbeaten Ivybridge, whilst the BBO 2nd XV face local rivals Windsor. Maids were unlucky to return from Exmouth empty handed 2 weeks ago- a couple of missed kicks at goal, a dropped ball over the line, unfortunate key early injuries compounded an already depleted side through unavailability, but full credit to Steve Perry’s Cockles, who play their pitch and conditions well, and shut us out in the 2nd half with some excellent defence to prevail 22-14.

‘The Bridgers’, will be more familiar with the surface at Maids than most others, having had their own AGP installed over summer, and they’ve certainly adjusted to it well, winning all 4 of their home games, plus 2 impressive away victories at Cleve and Exeter Uni as well. Weston have come closest so far to ending Ivybridge’s winning run, narrowly losing 24-20 last time out, which will no doubt give Maids hope that they can be the ones to inflict their first defeat of the season.

Ivy have begun the season with a new skipper, full back Charlie Briant taking over the reins from tighthead prop Matt Finn, who won his 200th cap in his last game, a fine achievement. He will be joined in the front row this week by hooker Jay Geraty, and young loose head Wes Vermigle, in place of the absent Jon Morgan. Billy Pinkus on the wing is one to watch out for, he currently leads the points scoring charts, and is very much a marksman goal kicker, so the home side’s discipline will have to be of the highest standard.

Maids have a few returnees this week, but it is one of the only 3 players to have played every game this season so far that we spoke to this week, to learn a little more about. The mysterious, highly sexually-charged, curious Todd Muil took a break from his busy schedule to mumble a few words to us for this weeks’ player interview.

*Name – Todd Muil

*Nickname(s) – ‘Ross’, ‘Brad’, ‘Hot Toddy’, ‘Rowdy Toddy Piper’, ‘Yah’, ‘Jari Litmanen’

*Position(s) – 1, 2, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8

*Strengths – not giving into peer pressure, heterosexuality, penguin CPR, Andy Berry.

*Weaknesses – sipping pints, looking after big G, general conversation, my brother’s girlfriend Charlie.

*Occupation – I’ve returned to my old school in my gap year, to see if I have a bit more luck with the 6th form girls now.

*If you could be any of your teammates, who would you be and why? Oli Foxley- his abs are so good they make up for him being ginger and would turn most men the other way, but not me, I’m South African with a heart of stone.

*Which teammate would you least like to have round for dinner? I’d say Myke Parrott- he’s 166 days into being the most boring bloke I’ve ever met.

*What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? Photography. Particularly through the keyhole photography into my brother’s room, when Charlie is round.

*Tell us something we don’t know about you – I got beaten up by the police in Portugal. They may have broken my bones, but never my spirit.

*What are your aspirations for this season? To play every position in the forwards, and top the league getting promotion.

 

Poor Jaryd Robinson has come down with a severe case of ‘Ellie-ache’, so continues his rehab for another couple of weeks, whilst Mikey Davies slots into the vacant wing spot after returning from a poaching holiday in Kenya with Big Don Birch, who has now taken 12 weeks’ holiday this year alone. Andy Darlington has finally succumbed to the vicious ‘Turf Toe’ injury sustained earlier in the season, and will be comfort eating in Gourmet Chicken for the weekend. He has been replaced in the 1st XV by the latest addition to the sandpit crew, Sam ‘Travis’ Rawsthorne who has somehow got himself a proper job this week, after Andy Berry kindly completed his job application and wrote (lied on) his CV for him.  Lawrence Leonard has disappeared with his imaginary girlfriend home to Ireland for the week, so misses out, whilst Olly Foxley makes a timely recovery from fake tan poisoning to stay at full back.

 

Sam Churchyard enters the weekend as a shadow of his former-self; the trepidation of what his wife Amy might get up to at Ladies’ Lunch, paralyzing the poor man with fear, whilst Niall Crosley won’t be removing his gumshield after the game until Siobhan is sober on Sunday lunchtime.

 

Finally, all at the club would like to wish some of our recent injured players a speedy recovery- Sam Hallett, Andy McGregor, Umar Marriott and Tom King will be out a while longer yet, and Eric Blewitt last match received the news that he is sadly out for the season. We wish you boys the very best and hope to see you back in magenta soon!

 

Ivybridge team:

 

1.       W Vermigle

2.       J Geraty

3.       M Finn

4.       G Wilson

5.       J Sloan

6.       P Abraham

7.       A Northcott

8.       R Luscombe

9.       B Watts

10.   L Martell

11.   H Legg

12.   M Grieveson

13.   L Paterson

14.   B Pinkus

15.   C Briant

16.   M Prout

17.   N Davies

18.   D Ackerman

 

Maids team (caps in brackets):

 

1.       M Parrott (c) (186)

2.       M Darlington (26)

3.       L Jones (83)

4.       S Churchyard (79)

5.       A Berry (6)

6.       T Muil (7)

7.       R Long (124)

8.       D Cole (23)

9.       C Morgan (2)

10.   W Runciman (25)

11.   M Davies (28)

12.   E Keohane (109)

13.   N Crossley (5)

14.   M Roddick (15)

15.   O Foxley (4)

16.   S Rawsthorne (1)

17.   W Macaulay (40)

18.   A Lubbock (7)

 

Come on you Maids!

 

 

Maids v Exeter Uni (home)

Maids v Exeter Uni (home)

Away from home, on grass, outside of Berkshire, we won a game! Not only did we win, but we won well, against a tough Drybrook side, who are certainly not in this league to make up the numbers. The feeling from inside the camp, is that this Maids side is different to that of previous years, and the mature performance at ‘The Mannings’ a week ago, to seal a 29-7 win is hopefully the start of much improved performances on the road this season.

This week, we face another unknown quantity, with the visit of Exeter University to Braywick, in what is believed to be the first meeting between the sides. The Students have had an admirable start to life in South West Premier, winning their opening two matches against Drybrook and Weston, before narrow losses against Exmouth and Ivybridge. We know little about our opposition this week, but match reports suggest they play for 80 mins, often ending games strongly, so the boys in magenta should be prepared for lots of running!

Talking of running, one man who does all he can to avoid any such exertion is the infamous David Cole, who managed to spare 10 minutes from his privileged unemployment to send back some half-arsed answers for this weeks’ player interview…

*Name – David Cole

*Nickname(s) – Coley, ‘The Slug’, ‘The Flake’, Flakey, Roger Dodger

*Position(s) – Backrow, but not 6 or 7.

*Strengths – Helping us keep our width, scoring hat-tricks, scrummaging, dodging work, sneaking home early.

*Weaknesses – Commitment, work, receiving headbutts, initiations, Rob’s warm ups. *It was at this point in the interview that Flakey declared he “didn’t have time” to do the rest, and needed a 3 hour break, before continuing.

*Occupation – Dog sitter

*If you could be any of your teammates, who would you be and why? I would most like to be Eric Blewitt- he never seems to know what’s happening, and is always happy and positive because of this, like a little special needs Labrador puppy.

*Which teammate would you least like to have round for dinner? Lawrence Leonard, despite having a ‘girlfriend’, he’d soon get tanked up and try to drag me to the Honeypot.

*What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? Slouching

*Tell us something we don’t know about you – I used to have a job.

*What are your aspirations for this season? To bulk up, get a reply from Big Don and get promoted.

 

Ed Keohane hasn’t argued with the coaches once this week, so keeps his place at inside centre, whilst ‘Cow Head’, Rorie Hannigan hasn’t been heard from since Sunday 2pm, when trying to instigate fights over Whatsapp. On the subject of Whatsapp, the “Slag’s Supper” group is in full force, with the WAGs dangerously close to organizing their next social, featuring 5pm puking, 6pm tears and 7pm break-ups. Club pervert, Mike Andrew is taking full advantage of Don Birch’s absence this week, with his eyes glued to the CCTV set up in the changing rooms, ably assisted by Jockstrap John who last week proclaimed that he has ‘killed a dog’ and once ‘knocked out a horse with one punch’.

 

Mark Childerhouse was due to be rested this week, but Daddy intervened and put a tab behind the bar for Boughy, so he keeps his place, while Lewis Jones retains his place in the squad, because nobody else has a speaker for the changing room. Welcome back to Alex French, who starts on the wing for the 2s this week- he’ll be desperate to get over that white line and bag a couple of scores and stake a claim for a 1st team spot next week.

 

Maids team (caps in brackets):

1.       M Parrott (c) (184)

2.       M Darlington (24)

3.       A Darlington (26)

4.       S Churchyard (78)

5.       R Long (122)

6.       T Muil (5)

7.       W Macaulay (38)

8.       D Cole (21)

9.       M Childerhouse (107)

10.   W Runciman (23)

11.   E Blewitt (16)

12.   E Keohane (108)

13.   N Crosley (3)

14.   M Roddick (15)

15.   O Foxley (2)

16.   L Jones (81)

17.   L Leonard (27)

18.   M Davies (26)

 

Come on you Maids!