Maids v Weston-Super-Mare (home)

Maids v Weston-Super-Mare (home)

Maids will be striving to achieve a first for them this season on Saturday- 3 consecutive wins. After their primary win on ‘grass’ this campaign, away to Berks rivals Bracknell, a return to Fortress Braywick, sees the final game of the first half of the season against Weston Super Mare.

The visitors this week, come into the match as the form side of the division, currently on a 4 match win streak, looking to end Maids’ fine home run. As appears to be the way with many teams in this division, Weston have a former Premiership professional in their ranks, centre Glenn Dickson, formerly of Otago and Northampton Saints is player-coach and an extremely accomplished kicker, James McKay, at 10 is a familiar face, having played when Maids last featured at this level. Upfront promises to be a particularly intriguing encounter, with both teams having enjoyed dominance at scrum time, and Weston will look to captain Sam Coles, and fellow prop Ollie Streeter to stop the Maidenhead juggernaut, which has proved to be such a weapon already.

Maids left it late to overcome hosts Bracknell last week, scoring with the last play to secure a BP win, and break Bracknell hearts. In truth, the margin should have been greater- 2 intercept tries for the home team, several missed kicks at goal, and a failure to have scrum infringements suitably penalised, all contributed to a scoreline which was far closer than it should have been, but credit must go to the home team, for their brutal defence, which repelled much of what came at them.

Jose Bolton has rolled the dice again this week, making a few changes to the squad, and one man who has earnt himself a starting spot, after impressing off the bench, is Alex French, who we asked a few questions of, to learn a little more about the strange Northern ginger centre.

*Name/nicknames- ‘Alex French’, ‘Frenchie’, ‘Frencho’, ‘Fat Jonny Bairstow’, ‘Adam French’s Rubbish Brother’, ‘Bad Genes’.

*Position(s)- Centre, wing, bench, face down on Sharlene’s massage bed, 2nd row protégé.

*Occupation- PE (Premature Ejaculation) Teacher

*Which Maids teammate would you least like to be stuck on a desert island with, and why? Ed Keohane- as much as I like the guy, I don’t understand a word he says.

* Which Maids teammate would you most like to be stuck on a desert island with, and why? Coley- I feel the odour of cats and dogs would deter other predators and keep us safe.

*What’s your favourite TV Programme? Really into Police Interceptors- good to see my mates from back home.

*What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? Suckling and milking my Mrs’ huge udders, and watching videos of puppies which Pig Dick tags me in.

*If you could be any animal, what would you be and why? I’d be a meerkat, so I could ride Pumba Jones round the clubhouse.

*What would you like to achieve this season, both personally, and as a team? Personally, establish myself as a first team regular. As a team, finish top 6, and keep the home record.

 

Mark Childerhouse has been given the week off by Russell Bolton, so he can go and buy an engagement ring, before proposing to Amy over Xmas, whilst William Cadden has somehow managed to cling onto his new fit Mrs, but is on borrowed time until he is dumped again, no doubt. Ryan Long has promised to leave Smokey Joes before the 5am close this Friday night/Saturday morning, and Myke Parrott has been restricted to just the 3 Xmas sandwiches for breakfast. Perry Jansen switches to scrum half this week, and will look gorgeous after a Saturday AM fake tan session with Will Greenwood, and George Blewitt has promised the Maids fans he’ll be performing his new try celebration routine, featuring a picture of his labra-poodle on his under armour, should he cross the whitewash.

 

Maids team (numbers in brackets denotes 1st XV caps)

1.       M Parrott (c) (166)

2.       M Darlington (12)

3.       A Darlington (12)

4.       S Hallett (13)

5.       L Leonard (11)

6.       W Cadden (69)

7.       R Long (91)

8.       D Cole (9)

9.       P Jansen (75)

10.   W Runciman (13)

11.   S Prince (23)

12.   A French (5)

13.   E Keohane (76)

14.   G Blewitt (6)

15.   J Robinson (13)

16.   S Hyland (5)

17.   A McGregor (2)

18.   S Angell (5)

 

Weston team:

1.       Coles (c)

2.       Hocking

3.       Streeter

4.       Turton

5.       Glen

6.       Morrissey

7.       Bignell

8.       Spelman

9.       Conway

10.   J McKay

11.   Watkins

12.   Dickson

13.   Nel

14.   R McKay

15.   Jones

16.   Rukhadze

17.   Sugg

18.   Tuttiett

Come on you Maids!!!

 

 

 

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Maids v Bracknell (away)

Maids v Bracknell (away)

Following a superb bonus point, 52-30 victory over 3rd-placed Bournemouth last week, Maids head into their 2nd derby of the season full of confidence, looking to break into the top 3 and claim the Berkshire bragging rights, in what is the first league fixture at 1st XV level between them and Bracknell for 10 years.

No doubt, the standout name in the Bracknell line-up is former London Irish and Tonga number 8, Chris Hala’Ufia. Famed for his uncompromising style of play and big hits, he’ll be looking to get his team on the front foot, and provide quick ball for young fly half Vic Hardwicke. At full back, Cam Macdonald, a loan signing from Chinnor, is one to watch, whilst skipper James Ingle is likely to partner Hala’Ufia in the back row, along with youngster Tom Scott. For the Lily Hill Park men, defeat a week ago to bottom side, Hornets, 42-17 means they currently occupy a place in the bottom half of the South West Premier table, something they will be determined to rectify by beating their Berkshire neighbours tomorrow.

Standing in their way, is arguably the biggest Maids pack in recent memory, and one of the form players in that pack, is ex-Maids Colt, Will Cadden, who we caught up with this week in an attempt to get an insight into his very confused, badly-wired brain…

 

*Name/nicknames- Cads, Cadden, Moose, Swan, ‘The 3-eyed Raven’, Bran, DADDY, ‘NAUGHTY DADDY’.

*Position(s)- Head in hands, weeping after being dumped. Flanker.

*Occupation- Animal impressionist.

*Which Maids teammate would you least like to be stuck on a desert island with, and why? Lewis ‘Pumba’ Jones- his poorly calf muscle would require too much attention.

* Which Maids teammate would you most like to be stuck on a desert island with, and why? Perry Jansen, because I know he hates being stuck alone with me for more than 10 minutes. It would kill him.

*What’s your favourite TV Programme? I like Peppa Pig and Art Attack.

*What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? I enjoy being in a clique with Churchy and Chills, and neglecting the other boys. I’ve also rather enjoyed baiting my psycho ex-girlfriend over the last 6 months.

*If you could be any animal, what would you be and why? Easy. I’d be a pre-historic moose, so I could roam the forests and bellow all day every day.

*What would you like to achieve this season, both personally, and as a team? As a team, beat Dings and Newton Abbott at home, on a personal level, learn my 3 times table, not get dumped by current, fit girlfriend (again), and not get stabbed by the ex-girlfriend.

 

George Blewitt returns to the squad, after a couple of weeks out, taking his labra-poodle to Crufts, while Sam Angell has lost enough weight to squeeze into the number 12 shirt, so is allowed to start. Another returnee, is Sam Churchyard, staunch Britain First supporter, delighted with recent social media activity from Donald Trump- he starts in the row, next to left-wing, socialist hippy Karol Poborsky aka Sammy Hallett, which makes for fascinating political debate during breaks in play.

Christoph Bart, although injured, has been promoted into a leadership position with the Maids Ultras, and takes his place on the terraces alongside lifelong hooligan Ted Keohane, hoping for a Maidenhead victory off the pitch. Will Macaulay continues his spell on the sidelines, and will attempt to watch the game in relative peace, away from Jockstrap John and a pissed-up Prinny, while Dom Birch is likely to be present, cheering on Bracknell, following a rough week of job application rejection emails from Stonor Marketing.

 

Maids team:

1.       M Parrott (c)

2.       M Darlington

3.       A Darlington

4.       S Churchyard

5.       S Hallett

6.       W Cadden

7.       R Long

8.       D Cole

9.       M Childerhouse

10.   W Runciman

11.   G Blewitt

12.   S Angell

13.   E Keohane

14.   S Prince

15.   P Jansen

16.   S Hyland

17.   L Leonard

18.   A French

Come on you Maids!

 

 

Maids v Bournemouth (home)

Maids v Bournemouth (home)

Following a much-needed week off last Saturday, Maidenhead now embark on a run of 4 tough games in the lead up to Xmas, which sees them tackle Bournemouth, Bracknell, Weston Super Mare and Cleve. First up for the boys in magenta, is the visit of 3rd placed Bournemouth, who, after a nervy start, are one of the form sides in the division at the moment, and present the biggest threat yet, to Maids’ proud home record.

Head Coach Will Croker will be pleased with the progress of his experienced squad, with their target of a top 3 finish looking very achievable, and with 2 consecutive losses for Dings Crusaders, the gap to 2nd place now stands at just 5 points. The Lions, in their 125th year, are led by number 8 Joe Rees, one of many players in this Bournemouth side with significant 1st XV appearance records. Tight head prop Alan Manning, former skipper at Bournemouth for a decade actually played against Maids last time both sides were in this division, nearly 10 years ago. Any indiscipline from the home side in tomorrow’s fixture, will be duly punished by lethal goalkicker and fullback, Grant Hancox, whilst the half back pairing of Hardcastle and Davies at 9 and 10 respectively, is pivotal to how Lions play.

For Russ Bolton’s charges this week, there are wholesale changes, with returns from injury, players back from International duty and also David Cole, who felt 8am was too early for him to go to Newton Abbott, so opted for a lie in with his dogs. For this week’s preview, we caught up with young pervert, Scott Prince, to learn more about his weird little life…

*Name/nicknames- Prin, Prinney, Prinney Senior, Prin-Diesel, Rat, Dirty Dave, Flipper Boy.

*Position(s)- Wing

*Occupation- Currently working for my brother, learning how to con people out of money.

*Which Maids teammate would you least like to be stuck on a desert island with, and why? Nic Jones aka Pig Dick, because he’s really boring, and would just talk about his horrible Mrs all day. ‘orrible little thing.

* Which Maids teammate would you most like to be stuck on a desert island with, and why? She’s not a teammate, but I’d choose my fit Aunty.

*What’s your favourite TV Programme? Shameless- reminds me of my living with my Dad.

*What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? Spying on my fit Aunt and starting fights in the Rose.

*If you could be any animal, what would you be and why? Turtle- they always look monged, like me.

*What would you like to achieve this season, both personally, and as a team? Maintain my position in the team, and help finish in the top 6.

 

There is a welcome return to the 1st team this week for flanker Mike King, a real favourite of the local press, in particular, sports reporter Gary Copas. Mark and Andy Darlington (did you know they play for Netherlands?) are back in the squad after consecutive stag parties in Moldova and Switzerland, and William Cadden returns, after a couple of weeks rest, after being dumped by his new Mrs. At least he played it real cool, and didn’t cry…

Jaryd Robinson is back in the squad to face his old team, after exploratory (and unsuccessful) surgery, to try and widen the gap between his eyes, and Alex French will line up at number 12, where there are hopefully fewer opportunities for him to attempt studs-up, sliding tackles to cost us the game. Dom Birch will be greeting the Bournemouth supporters with some special Black Friday deals, where he’ll happily burn the food at no extra cost, and will keep the whole bar in complete darkness for the weekend. Jockstrap John, who has promised not to wash said Jockstrap until Maids lose at home will be running the line, and is available to both sides post-match for a beer-fuelled, monotonous rambling to give his ill-informed view of the game.

 

Maids team:

1.       M Parrott (c)

2.       M Darlington

3.       A Darlington

4.       L Leonard

5.       S Hallett

6.       W Cadden

7.       R Long

8.       D Cole

9.       M Childerhouse

10.   W Runciman

11.   J Robinson

12.   A French

13.   E Keohane

14.   S Prince

15.   P Jansen

16.   S Hyland

17.   M King

18.   S Angell

Bournemouth team:

1.       P Fraser

2.       F Wilford

3.       A Manning

4.       T Napier

5.       J Hennings

6.       D McDonald

7.       A Bennett

8.       J Rees (c)

9.       S Hardcastle

10.   A Davies

11.   D Stewart

12.   S Chislett

13.   D Kirkpatrick

14.   H Davis

15.   G Hancox

16.   L Firetto

17.   A Sutherland

18.   M Treloar

Come on you Maids!

Maids v Newton Abbott (away)

Maids v Newton Abbott (away)

Maids remain in 5th position in the SW Premier table, following a 52-30 victory over Brixham at Braywick a week ago. Trailing 16-13 at the break, Maidenhead turned on the afterburners and blew the Fishermen away, in one of the best periods of rugby seen at Braywick this season. It’s a very different challenge that awaits them this Saturday though, as they make the daunting trip down to Devon, to face 2nd placed Newton Abbott, who have started the season in red hot form.

The Devon All Whites, led by hooker Dean Avery have just the solitary loss to their name this season, being beaten away at league leaders Dings Crusaders, who had an unblemished record until last week, when Camborne got the result of the round- their patched-up side winning 22-20. Maids will be hoping for something similar themselves, but know they face an uphill task at Rackerhayes. A familiar name in the Newton Abbott side is outside centre Matt Jess, who played for Premiership champions Exeter last season on the wing, and the Maids backline will have to do their best to contain him. Full back Avery-Wright is an accomplished kicker, so discipline will have to be good, whilst upfront, the Newton Abbott lineout catch and drive, orchestrated by Colin Stewart is another weapon in their armoury.

Plagued by injuries and unavailabilities this week, Maids travel to Devon with lots of new faces, all of whom come into the game after excelling in the 2nd XV this season, and very much deserve their place in this matchday squad. One of the absentees this week, David Cole, got caught in a chicken nugget coma and then couldn’t be bothered to take the time out of his unemployed day to answer a few questions, so we briefly caught up with Maidenhead skipper, Myke Parrott…

 

*Name/nicknames: Parrott, Paz, Paz Mans, Tubby Tom, Augustus Gloop, Dean Windass, Coke Can, Fat Milky Bar Kid, Winnie Pooh, Skips, Dom Birch Jnr.

 

*Position: Prop

 

*Occupation: Agony Aunt to the majority of our high maintenance, molly-coddled, sexually confused senior squad. Own a recruitment business.

 

*Which Maids teammate would you least like to be stuck on a desert island with? A few contenders, and in reality, I wouldn’t want to be stuck with any of them. Cadden’s chat would take a whole 3 minutes to drive me insane, Andy Darlo would just whinge that he was hungry, whilst Lewis Jones would ask annoying questions all day. However, although he is the nicest fella in the squad, I’d have to say Carole Smillie aka Will Runciman. He’s just too happy and smiley, and I know I wouldn’t be able to handle it.

 

*Which Maids teammate would you want to be stuck on a desert island with? Pumba Jones, although annoying, might be able to sniff out some truffles for us, but I’d need someone quiet, who wouldn’t bug me, so I’ll say Laurence Leonard. Fairly confident I could ‘turn’ him as well.

 

*What’s your favourite TV Programme? Love the Jeremy Kyle show, but Bailiffs has to be my favourite. The look on their miserable faces when the heroic bailiffs take everything just warms the cockles inside.

 

*What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? Currently plotting Dave Cole’s initiation, which is taking up a lot of time, but apart from that, trying to stop my 3 year old stealing things from Poundland, and calling her Mum a ‘bellend’. But if the cap fits? Smart kid…

 

*If you could choose; what animal would you be and why? I’m really into Mooses at the moment, after Will Cadden’s excellent impressions really endeared them to me, but I’d probably opt for a hippo, as due to their reputation for killing humans, they just get left alone to roll in mud all day- sounds perfect.

 

*What do you want to achieve this season, both personally, and as a team?  Would like Dom Birch to finally accept my Facebook friend request, and invite me for a sleepover. As a team, I want us just to have fun, be even tighter as a squad, enjoy our socials, and with that, results will come.

 

Nic Jones is absent this week, with his PGCE (Pig Genital Correction Enthroscopy), whilst fellow front row boys Andrew and Mark Darlington are representing the Netherlands against Moldova, for which we all wish them the very best of luck. Will Macaulay and Ryan Long have opted for a day at Nirvana spa together, whilst Tom King has his last Saturday of Community Service, taking William Cadden to the seaside to make sandcastles. Congratulations must go to Mike Andrew, awarded best fancy dress prize at the Halloween Party, for his strikingly accurate depiction of a paedophile- it’s hoped he’ll make the long trip to Newton Abbott, with fellow hooligan Ted Keohane for a scrap with the locals and a visit to the local strip club. Debutants Sam Angell and Jon Cranton are currently tied for award of worst chat, so vying for the ultimate prize of a journey home alongside Jockstrap John.

 

Maids team:

1.       M Parrott (c)

2.       L Jones

3.       S Hyland

4.       S Hallett

5.       J Lavin

6.       A McGregor

7.       L Leonard

8.       J Cranton

9.       M Childerhouse

10.   W Runciman

11.   R Lewis

12.   A French

13.   E Keohane

14.   S Prince

15.   P Jansen

16.   P Savage

17.   J Bough

18.   S Angell

Come on you Maids!

Maids v Brixham (home)

Maids v Brixham (home)

After 2 consecutive away fixtures, and a week off before that, Maids return to the Braywick Bowl, for the first time in a month, to tackle a resurgent, in-form Brixham. Following a tough start to the league campaign, ‘the Fishermen’ have bounced back to enter this game off the back of a 3 game winning streak, which includes an impressive 24-7 win away at Devon rivals, Ivybridge. Brixham’s upsurge in recent form has coincided with the return of talismanic Koree Britton, formerly of London Welsh and Chinnor, and he will line up at hooker, versus former Chinnor teammates, Andy and Mark Darlington at scrum time. Maids will have to improve upon their discipline from last week, as any errors will be punished by number 12 Tom Putt- a man who rarely misses shots at goals.

Maids come into this match, on the back of a thoroughly disappointing derby day loss at Newbury a week ago, but can have no complaints with the 39-15 score line, which the Blues deserved on the day. The normally free-scoring Maids back division were thwarted by a resolute, energetic defence, which, along with the superb place kicking of Ryan Trevaskis, sealed victory. Everyone at Maidenhead is very shocked to hear of the misfortune of Blues flanker Finn Walsh, who suffered a nasty stomach injury in the match, requiring a major operation this week, with a prolonged stay in Swindon hospital. We all wish Finn the very best in his recovery, and hope to see him back on the park sooner, rather than later.

This week, we managed to get 5 minutes with the mercurial, bronzed-beauty diva, Perry Jansen…

*Name/nicknames: Pezdog, Pel, Pezza, Timon, Jerry Pansen, Mowgli, Gypsy-boy.

 

*Position: 10/15

 

*Occupation: Insurance Broker / Andrew Darlington’s scrummaging coach / Team watchman (making sure everyone is okay, particularly Lunch Lady Lewis and his dodgy calves)

 

*Which Maids teammate would you least like to be stuck on a desert island with? This was a tricky one, there’s a few options… Mark Childerhouse due to his weird, constant self-pleasing habits, Jaryd Robinson, as he would insist we both look for his long lost chest for it never to be found. However, this would go to William Cadden, he’s a lovely bloke just so so SO weird.

 

*Which Maids teammate would you want to be stuck on a desert island with? Ed Keohane (despite not getting the best man call up at the wedding), he’s an expert snake handler, and feel confident Greens could send Dan Carter to come pick us up.

 

*What’s your favourite TV Programme? Undateables- love thinking about what Cadden would be like on this program, and also Duck Tales, watching Scrooge McDuck counting all his money, much like me.

 

*What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? I like prank calling James Emmanuel and Myke Parrott most Saturday mornings.

 

*If you could choose; what animal would you be and why? It would be good to be a fly on the wall following Ryan Long around, see what that slippery guy gets up to and who he has been texting. More to the point, I want to know if he ever smiles.

 

*What do you want to achieve this season, both personally, and as a team? Personally, lay off the Thursday lunch time boozing (hard when you know you’ve got a 1.5-hour session of ignoring what anyone says at training). As a team, secure a top 5 position in the league and manage a full 80 minute performance.

Sammy Angell is back in contention this week, and makes his return from injury in the 2s, after impressing Russ Bolton with his new bleep test PB of level 3, joining fit again Jack Hill in an exciting backline, away at Redingensians. Luckily, Head Coach Bolton lost the video of the Newbury game, so Dave Cole keeps his place in the back row, alongside Ryan Long, who moves in from 13. Myke Parrott has recovered from his over-indulgence whilst trick or treating with his kids, and starts in the front row, alongside Mark and Andy Darlington (who both play for Holland).  

 

Forwards coach Mark Bates is a doubt for the game after buying his first iphone, and discovering Tube 8, whilst Meeester Gaweth is absent, and under suspicion for the kidnap and imprisonment of Max Roddick, rumoured to be keeping Fwankie company under a patio somewhere.

 

Maids team:

 

1.       M Parrott (c)

2.       M Darlington

3.       A Darlington

4.       L Leonard

5.       S Hallett

6.       R Long

7.       W Macaulay

8.       D Cole

9.       M Childerhouse

10.   W Runciman

11.   S Prince

12.   A French

13.   E Keohane

14.   G Blewitt

15.   P Jansen

16.   S Hyland

17.   W Cadden

18.   J Robinson

 

Brixham team:

 

1.       J Richards

2.       K Britton

3.       D Conner

4.       N Riley

5.       S Sheriff

6.       J Watson

7.       J Lovell

8.       S Thomas

9.       N Nash

10.   M Worthington

11.   JP Simonetti

12.   T Putt

13.   T McLean

14.   C Bedwell

15.   T Goodman

16.   R Morris

17.   K Kane

18.   K Murphy

 

Come on you Maids!

Maids v Newbury (away)

Maids v Newbury (away)

With a quarter of the season now gone, last week’s bonus point, 27-10 victory away at Weston-Super-Mare, propelled Maidenhead to 3rd position in the SW Premier table, sitting behind only Dings Crusaders and Newton Abbott. It’s been an enjoyable, challenging and educating start to life in the new division, but tomorrow we face off against old SW1 East friends, Newbury Blues, who were promoted via the playoffs to join Maids at level 5.

No doubt, the Berkshire rivals were the two standout teams last season, in a tough division, and the clashes between the sides were full of drama, excitement, ecstasy and agony, which saw them win one match apiece. New additions to the Blues squad this season include Adam Neal, from Oxford Quins and Rhys Davies from Windsor, whilst fly-half Richard West and back-row Finn Russell have both returned to the club after spells away.

Newbury will be satisfied with their start this season, sitting in 8th position after a brilliant opening day win away at Bournemouth, followed by home successes against Lydney and Hornets. They boast the meanest defence in the league, with just 105 points conceded, and enter the game after a close loss away at Camborne, which by all accounts, they could have nicked.

Maids will be enthused after their first away victory of the campaign a week ago, in which the first half saw them play arguably their best rugby of the season, starving Hornets of the ball for long periods, often reaching 10+ phases in attack. One of the players singled out for praise in the match, was hooker Mark Darlington, who we spoke to this week, to ask some deep and meaningful questions of…

*Name/nicknames- “Mark James Darlington”, “Darlo”, “Dark Marlington”, “Darlo no1”, “Skinny Sam Angell”, “Dutch Dave”.

*Position(s)- Hooker, prop, fly half. I play for Holland.

*Occupation- Market Research Recruiter/Andrew Darlington’s Guardian Angel/Dutch rugby legend.

*Which Maids teammate would you least like to be stuck on a desert island with, and why? Sam Hallett- I have seen the way he smashes up the bus on away games; what chance would we have with our shelter or makeshift raft.

* Which Maids teammate would you most like to be stuck on a desert island with, and why? Ryan Long; I feel his can-do attitude, positive energy and general all round happy approach to life would get me through some tough times on the island.

*What’s your favourite TV Programme? I mainly like watching videos of my games playing for Holland.

*What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? Mainly caring for my brother Andrew- helping him get dressed, brushing his teeth etc, and also monitoring Sam Angell’s sausage roll intake.

*If you could be any animal, what would you be and why? A bear. I’d roam around slowly, eating and hibernating- it’s pretty much what I do now.

*What would you like to achieve this season, both personally, and as a team? Finish top half of the table, keep improving and play for Holland. Did I mention I’m a Dutch International?

 

Tom King sadly misses out this week- knocking himself out whilst banging his head against the changing room wall last week, psyching himself up, whilst Jaryd Robinson still hasn’t finished drinking his initiation wine, so is sat on the coach next to Jockstrap John in his pants until it’s gone. Lewis ‘Pumba’ Jones celebrates his favourite day of the year today- the grand release of the Marks and Spencer’s Xmas sandwich, so Russell Bolton will be hoping he recovers in time for kick off. It’s also a big weekend for Max Roddick, who has a birthday party at Cheeky Charlie’s tomorrow, followed by trick or treating with Uncle Churchy on Monday night. Christoph Bart eagerly awaits the release of the Halloween Party guest list, composed by Ellie Birch, and will hope the menu provides plenty of novel options for the night, though ‘Mandingo Ali’ the physio, is likely to provide ‘stiff’ competition.

Maids team:

1.       M Parrott (c)

2.       M Darlington

3.       A Darlington

4.       S Hallett

5.       M Grimshaw

6.       L Leonard

7.       W Macaulay

8.       D Cole

9.       M Childerhouse

10.   P Jansen

11.   R Lewis

12.   E Keohane

13.   R Long

14.   S Prince

15.   W Runciman

16.   L Jones

17.   J Lavin

18.   G Blewitt

Come on you Maids!

Maidenhead v Hornets (away)

Maidenhead v Hornets (away)

Following a well-earned week off, Maids resume their SW Premier campaign over at Weston-Super-Mare-based Hornets this Saturday, hoping to claim their first win on the road of the season. Hornets have endured a tough start so far, claiming a solitary victory and sit bottom of the table presently.

Russ Bolton gave his players a deserved night off training last Thursday, and he has been rewarded with an excellent response from his squad, which saw them enjoy two high-energy sessions this week, with nearly 50 players at both training nights. They head into this game with high hopes after overturning a 7-20 half time deficit against Ivybridge, to eventually pull away, and come out as 26-20 victors.

Although Maidenhead and Hornets have never met in league action before, the surroundings won’t be too unfamiliar, as Hornets ply their trade on a 3G pitch, which might come in handy if weather forecasts for Saturday are to be believed. Leading the home side, will be outside centre, Richard Dempsey, whilst player-coach Steve Pape will lead from the second row. Sonny Haines at tighthead will be tasked with providing a platform at scrum time, while the Maidenhead back 3 need to be wary of winger, Charlie Carter, who has scored plenty of points already this term.

For Maids this week, Jose the Tinkerman aka Russ Bolton has made some changes, including the return of fan’s (Mum’s/wives/girlfriend’s) favourite, Ed Keohane. He took a few minutes out from his busy wedding-planning schedule to answer a few questions…

*Name/nicknames- Ed, Eddie, Dreamboat, Tripod, Perfect Aryan, Greenwood Junior.

*Position(s)- 10/12/13/15 (whatever the dice rolls in selection).

*Occupation- Freelance Karaoke Teacher.

*Which Maids teammate would you least like to be stuck on a desert island with, and why? Big Sammy Hallett- the sing off would get too intense, and when he gets drunk, he gets physical.

* Which Maids teammate would you most like to be stuck on a desert island with, and why? PezDawg- we will make it work. Greens would leave the rest of the team and come and rescue us anyway.

*What’s your favourite TV Programme? ‘Don’t tell the Bride’ is a favourite at the moment, enjoy the inspiration it’s giving me.

*What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? Pretending to plan a wedding is pretty fun at the moment- I’m only doing it for the stag do, and then pulling the plug anyway. I love being abused by my younger brother Joe, in front of my proud Father, Ted, and also getting us banned from coach companies all over the South West.

*If you could be any animal, what would you be and why? I’d be a donkey- bottom half is there already.

*What would you like to achieve this season, both personally, and as a team? Cement a top 6 finish and wipe the floor with Bracknell and Newbury. Personally, do enough for Greens to leave me alone on a Sunday.

William Cadden returns from playing in the ‘Sandpit Crew’ league with Norway, and starts at number 8 for the 2nd XV against Abbey. He’ll line up alongside Player of the Month, Stevie Hyland, who was given his choice of 5 beautiful physios at training last night, as a reward for his efforts. Storm Brian has taken his first victim, blowing away Nic Jones’ shoulders, so he continues on the sidelines, alongside brother Laurence, who still can’t balance properly, after the big operation. Sammy Hallett’s latest roofing job, upon Harlequin Coaches has landed him in hot water with the Maids committee, so he has to sit and listen to Dicky Brown on the whole journey back as punishment. Sam Churchyard has travelled to New York to support ex-babysitter Harvey Weinstein, and takes new plaything Max Roddick for ‘support’. Rumours are growing as to the whereabouts of Fwankie, after Lynda bust out fabulous Thai curries in consecutive weeks, accompanied by the sounds of chains and groans from the kitchen, with Meeester Gaweth seen sneaking out the side door, with a mischievous smirk on his face. Scott Prince is back in therapy, after a severe regression in his behaviour this week, being caught placing cameras in his Aunt’s bedroom, but has been granted day release to join the squad for a few hours.

 

Maids team:

1.       M Parrott (c)

2.       M Darlington

3.       A Darlington

4.       L Leonard

5.       M Grimshaw

6.       T King

7.       W Macaulay

8.       D Cole

9.       M Childerhouse

10.   P Jansen

11.   J Robinson

12.   E Keohane

13.   R Long

14.   R Lewis

15.   W Runciman

16.   L Jones

17.   S Hallett

18.   S Prince

Come on you Maids!