Maids v Bracknell (home)

Maids v Bracknell (home)

Following a superb victory over fellow play-off contestants, Barnstaple 2 weeks ago, Maids were unlucky to return from Bournemouth last Saturday a week ago pointless, which put Barum back in the driving seat for that coveted extra game on April 27th. With the game finely poised at just 15-10 to the League Champions, with Maids on top, a harsh yellow card swung the game in Bournemouth’s favour, which eventually saw them close it out, to win 29-10, a harsh score line for a game that was extremely close for the majority of the 80 minutes.

The games don’t get any easier for Maids, who this week welcome old adversaries Bracknell, who enter this Berkshire derby off the back of 4 consecutive victories, including a highly impressive 27-14 win away at Exmouth, complimented by a 26-9 victory against 4th placed Ivybridge a week ago.

There are various changes to the Bracknell line up from the return fixture before Xmas- ex-Windsor player Chris Laidler lines up in midfield, alongside Cam Macdonald, and his brother Mikey, a recent new acquisition to the club, having played at Chinnor last year, will start at scrum half. Lorenzo Palacio is another new addition, and he’ll don the 7 shirt, to be joined in the back row by Sam Gibbons, and skipper Michael Clarke, who has been relegated from the front row to line up at number 8.

As is often the case after a tough fixture, Maids have had to reshuffle their squad following a couple of injuries- Dylan Baptista has failed to recover from his hamstring strain, and he joins Mark Darlington, Myke Parrott, Sam Hallett, George Blewitt, Tom King and Jaryd Robinson, amongst others on the injured list. We are however, delighted to welcome back Niall Crosley, who comes in to hopefully raise the average IQ a little, which has been heavily weighted down with the recent introduction of James Johnstone and Elio Mandozzi from the sandpit crew. Sandpit CEO, Leroy Meek has luckily come to Maids’ rescue this week, and has managed to prise young Elio away from the Bournemouth beach, to take his place in the front row. Along with the significant help of his carer, he took time away from watching aeroplanes, to answering a few questions for us…

 

Name- Elio Mandozzi

Nickname(s)- ‘Ant’, ‘Tony’, ‘Tones’, ‘Ello’, ‘Forest Gump’, ‘Tony Monspanner’.

Position(s)- Prop

Strengths- Running until I’m told to stop, building sandcastles, playing with alphabet spaghetti, roasting Lubbs.

Weaknesses- Passing, IQ, talking, colours, 2 times table, Biff and Kipper books.

Occupation- My parents pay Nike to make me think I have a job with them. I mainly run around the store pretending to be an aeroplane.

If you could be any of your teammates, who would you be and why? Max Roddick, because if I was as sexy as him, it would be well easy to get girls, despite my otherwise long list of limiting attributes.

Which teammate would you least like to have over for dinner? Definitely Lubbs. He wouldn’t get lashed and would then spend his time telling me about his boxing exploits with kids half his size.

What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? I love going to Cheeky Charlie’s with my best friend Myles.

Tell us something we don’t know about you- I was in a Match of the Day magazine when I was younger, advertising Chelsea-themed baby bibs.

What are your aspirations for this season? 2 more BP wins, lose my V-plates, get a playoff spot.

Ryan Long, shortly after declaring his undying love for the club 2 weeks ago, takes another holiday, so misses the game, and he is replaced in the squad by Sam Churchyard, who is the first person in Maidenhead history to be placed on pub watch for administering ‘Guiness wet willies’ to unsuspecting patrons of the local town bars. Laurence Leonard, saved by the Brexit delay, gets another couple of weeks in a Maids shirt, and he starts at 6, joined in the back row by stand-in skipper, Will Macaulay, and Dave Cole, who aims to hit his first ruck of the season this weekend.

Elsewhere, members of the notorious “Slags’ Supper” Whatsapp group, will be dripping like an egg sandwich at the prospect of Charlie Broughton strutting his stuff on the hallowed Braywick turf, he lines up in midfield alongside Niall Crosley, replacing Ed Keohane, who at the time of writing, is roughly 8 hours deep into the doghouse, as he travels to Australia for a couple of weeks with his wife, opting to miss the most important few weeks in the club’s recent history, all for a karaoke competition.

A huge congratulations to young Scott Prince, who wins his 50th cap. A product of the much-vaunted Maids youth system, it is a remarkable achievement to have amassed 50 1st XV league appearances, at such a young age, even with an ASBO, an addiction to glue-sniffing and his dysfunctional Father. Congratulations Scott, here’s to many more.

 

There will be a minute’s silence this week, as we pay respect to man who probably shed more blood, and has definitely been the cause of more opposition blood, than any other man to ever have played for the club. Rene Dance was a cornerstone of the Maidenhead pack for over a decade, and alongside brother Jody, and loose head Allan Greene formed a daunting front row, feared and respected by sides all over the South West. Many hard, tough men have donned the black and magenta in years past, but none were as tough as Rene Dance.

Ren simply refused to take a backwards step, and if it kicked off, as it did all the more frequently back when he was playing, then there was no other man you’d want on your side. A Maidenhead hero, whose name is remembered and revered amongst opposition, teammates and supporters was as warm and loving off the pitch, as he was fearless on the pitch. The term ‘legend’ is used all too frequently in the modern age, but that’s exactly what Rene is, a true legend, who will never ever be forgotten at Maidenhead RFC.

Our deepest sympathies go to Rene’s family and friends, and we thank you for giving us this special man. Sleep well legend, we will miss you X

 Rest in peace Rene, thank you for everything

Maidenhead team (caps in brackets):

1.       E Mandozzi (11)

2.       S Rawsthorne (15)

3.       A Darlington (39)

4.       A Berry (21)

5.       S Churchyard (95)

6.       L Leonard (45)

7.       W Macaulay (c) (53)

8.       D Cole (40)

9.       C Morgan (16)

10.   P Jansen (94)

11.   S Prince (50)

12.   C Broughton (11)

13.   N Crosley (21)

14.   M Roddick (26)

15.   M Davies (34)

16.   J Johnstone (3)

17.   R Muil (21)

18.   W Runciman (38)

 

Bracknell team:

1.       Bellman

2.       Walters

3.       Dowding

4.       Verley

5.       Bailey

6.       Gibbons

7.       Palacio

8.       Clarke (c)

9.       M. Macdonald

10.   Hardwicke

11.   Bayliss

12.   Laidler

13.   C. Macdonald

14.   Burch

15.   Hills

16.   Ovens

17.   Mew

18.   Franklin

Come on you Maids!

 

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Maids v Barnstaple (home)

Maids v Barnstaple (home)

Despite a week off for the players last weekend, it’s been busy behind the scenes, as the club have worked hard to secure the signing of our new Head Coach for next season, Dave Mobbs-Smith. ‘Mobbs’, currently at Rosslyn Park in National 1 has previously worked with current forwards coach, Zoran Higgins, and came through the process as the club’s number 1 choice, despite stiff competition from several other very high-calibre candidates.

Huge credit and thanks must go to Steve Bough, Gareth Andrews-Jones, David Pepper and Russell Bolton for all their hard work with this thorough and professional proceeding, which has seen us acquire a first-class professional coach, who will have the hard task of following in the footsteps of outgoing incumbent, Russ Bolton. More details on the appointment of Mobbs, can be found here- https://www.maidenhead-advertiser.co.uk/gallery/maidenhead-rfc/142743/mobbs-smith-excited-by-opportunity-to-become-maidenhead-rfc-s-new-head-coach.html

Looking ahead to this week, it’s no exaggeration to say this one of the biggest games in Maids’ recent history, as they welcome 2nd placed Barnstaple to Braywick, hoping to leapfrog them in the table, and nick the play off spot, which will see a contest for promotion to level 4 rugby.

Barum comfortably won the reverse fixture 39-7 back in October, against a heavily-depleted travelling Maids side, but you can guarantee they will face a far stiffer test this time round. As well as the long journey East to Berkshire, Barum may well also be hampered by the fast, artificial pitch at Maids, their bludgeoning (but extremely effective) style of forward-orientated style of rugby, possibly not being overly suited to the track. However, Barnstaple offer far more than just a well-executed catch and drive, marshalled by the imposing figure of Ben Hilton in the second row, both centres, Ryan Carter and Jake Murphy are tough, experienced competitors with higher level experience, and they will have to be kept quiet, if the home side are to prevail.

Since winning 27-15 at Old Pats two weeks ago, the physio room has been busy, and we’re delighted to be able to welcome back several players who have been missing for the previous weeks. However, perhaps our most exciting returnee, is centre and talisman, Ed Keohane, who has been out since the stunning 26-14 win over Bournemouth in December, after a shoulder operation. We’re delighted that he chose to write down his answers to this week’s questionnaire, as opposed to his normal mumbling, part pikey, part tinker-talk, that only his Dad and Laurence Leonard understand…

 

Name- Ed Keohane

Nickname(s)- ‘Dreamboat’, ‘Ellie’s number 1’, ‘Matt Holland’, ‘Plastic Paddy’, ‘Eddie the Beagle’

Position(s)- centre/fly half/back of the bus/front of the doghouse.

Strengths- karaoke, mumbling, weddings, huge womb ferret.

Weaknesses- my ASBO Dad, getting home on time, general communication, listening to coaches.

Occupation- Amazingly, I’m in charge of delivering an education to the young people of this country.

If you could be any of your teammates, who would you be and why? Perry or Longy, don’t have to worry about training, play when they want, living the dream.

Which teammate would you least like to have over for dinner? Definitely Rod Muil- he’d show up without a bottle, eat all the food, not say thanks, and then go out to see his other mates.

What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? Bailing my Dad out of custody and making IEDs with Laurence Leonard.

Tell us something we don’t know about you- I used to be a jockey as a teenager and trained with Frankie Dettori.

What are your aspirations for this season? Try and get Parrott back on the beer, help my Dad with his Anger Management and get us playing one extra game.

 

Niall Crosley has completed his full transition to Southern posh boy as he contemplates the best venues in South West London to dine for brunch whilst sipping prosecco and moaning about Brexit, so misses out this week, for being too stuck up. Charlie Broughton partners Ed Keohane in midfield, after finally thrashing out the terms and conditions of his private photographer for his Instagram, Boughy reluctantly agreeing to pick up the bill with the money he made by selling all the squad’s match balls this week.

Dave Cole narrowly passes his HIA after being beaten up by Jon Cranton in training on Thursday, and he’ll line up alongside Will Macaulay, who received 7 stitches, after being shanked with a sharpened toothbrush by Mark Darlington in the shower, after he said horrible things about his brother Andrew. #snitchesgetstitches

Sam Churchyard is away this Saturday, he now must work every weekend for the next 30 months, after his wife finally got to the bottom of his financial irregularities, but he’ll be replaced by Laurence Leonard, who has still managed to prevent his make-believe girlfriend from reading previous match previews which definitively out him as a total and utter Honeypot fiend. If anyone knows her, please pass on this vital information.

 

Maids team:

 

1.       S Rawsthorne (13)

2.       M Darlington (36) (c)

3.       A Darlington (37)

4.       L Leonard (43)

5.       A Berry (19)

6.       R Muil (19)

7.       W Macaulay (51)

8.       D Cole (38)

9.       P Jansen (92)

10.   W Runciman (36)

11.   S Prince (48)

12.   C Broughton (9)

13.   E Keohane (113)

14.   M Roddick (25)

15.   M Davies (32)

16.   E Mandozzi (9)

17.   R Long (133)

18.   C Morgan (14)

 

Barnstaple team:

1.       Snell

2.       Starkey

3.       Angell

4.       Lloyd

5.       Hilton

6.       Gohl

7.       James

8.       Bayet

9.       Bath

10.   McManus

11.   Lee

12.   Carter

13.   Murphy

14.   Topps

15.   Berry

16.   Dromantas

17.   Hague

18.   Nash

Come on you Maids!

Maids v Old Pats (away)

Maids v Old Pats (away)

Things couldn’t have gone much better for Maids last weekend, when in the process of securing a full 5 points, thanks to a 66-0 home win over Newton Abbott, the gap to 2nd placed Barnstaple, closed to a mere 4 points, following their away loss at Exmouth, 25-12, which saw them come away with nothing. Barnstaple have another tough Devon derby this week, as they welcome 3rd placed Ivybridge to Pottington Road, which will either see the gap between the sides increase to at least 6 points, or, if the result goes the way of Ivy, then a swap in league positions, with just another 4 matches to go afterwards.

It would be easy for Maids to start looking ahead to that crunch clash at Braywick against Barum in 2 weeks, but they must first fully focus on a tough trip to Everest Road, the home of Old Patesians, in Cheltenham. It’s been a really tough season for Old Pats, who have had to play a significant proportion of their games away from their formidable home ground Everest Road, due to pitch conditions, and have had the Prince of Wales as the venue for many of their fixtures this season. This Saturday however, in the forecasted heavy rain and wind, Maids will have to do it the hard way, and overcome the fearsome slope that so many fail to conquer…

The Pats pack will likely be led by big ball carriers George Angell and Rich Hance at 6 and 8 respectively, while the responsibility of a strong scrum will fall to props Jasper Frost and Teddy Saunders. In the backline, Tom Knight at 9 was one of the standout players in the reverse fixture at Braywick, he will likely be partnered at half back by Oliver Aherne.

In one of his final games at the club until the Honourable Mrs May finally introduces Brexit and boots the little Tinker out of the country, Laurence Leonard had a quick break from leering over hagged old women in the Honeypot, while his imaginary girlfriend is ‘away’, and answered some questions for this week’s match preview;

 

Name- Laurence Leonard

Nickname(s)- ‘Lar’, ‘Lozza’, ‘Loz’, ‘Larry’, ‘Bruno’, ‘Dennis Irwin’, ‘Leering Larry’, ‘Pervert Pete’.

Position(s)- Back row, second row, firmly behind the curtain.

Strengths- Reigniting British/Irish tensions with a few aptly placed IEDs this week, grooming (not kids, just young males), birdbaths, stealing radiators, scrap metal, evading tax, bills and rent.

Weaknesses- Brexit, singing crap Irish songs, looks, Rod Muil,

Occupation- thieving copper.

If you could be any of your teammates, who would you be and why? Rod Muil, because I know for a fact he’s paying £9.99 a month for pictures of Andy Darlo’s Mrs.

Which teammate would you least like to have over for dinner? Perry Jansen, with him only eating halal meat, and Ramadan coming up, it will be a nightmare to find something suitable for him.

What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? Gay-lick football, searching for 4 leaf clovers and intense lap dances at the Honeypot.

Tell us something we don’t know about you- I spent 3 years at Neverland with Michael Jackson as a kid and I loved it.

What are your aspirations for this season? Beat Bournemouth at their place, get promoted, find my girlfriend and stay in the country.

 

Ryan Long returned to training this week, re-invigorated upon finishing Perry Jansen’s best-selling book ‘A guide to getting away with a mid-season rugby sabbatical’, with players breathing a collective sigh of relief knowing their WAGs wouldn’t be receiving a visit whilst training on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Lewis Jones, absent on Tuesday training due to Pancake Day, will be starting at Tighthead Prop, the highly-sensitive naughty little warthog only agreeing to play because Batesy promised him a sausage roll on the way home, whilst James Johnstone, skipper of our victorious Colts side last season makes his debut off the bench, and he’ll be looking forward to getting touched up on a bus again, something he’s not experienced since those long away trips with Meester Gaweth in the previous 2 seasons in the Colts.

Olly Foxley thoroughly enjoyed World Book Day at school this week

Will Runciman returns from his poaching holiday in South Africa after successfully aiding the extinction of the White Rhino in the previous 2 weeks, and he comes back into the side to replace Ceri Morgan, who has been omitted from the squad, as Russ Bolton felt his little legs would struggle to get up the hill at Old Pats, whilst Rod Muil will be going directly to the ground, to get a good hour of pre-match Tinder in, to see what the Cheltenham community might be able to offer him.

 

All at Maids RFC were devastated this week, to learn of the death of our much-loved chef, Linda. In the past 2 seasons, Linda was responsible for producing some unbelievably high-quality food for the boys, which has regularly been heralded as ‘the best at any rugby club in the land’, and her excellent produce has no doubt resulted in such a high number of players sticking around after training and games for her meals. Linda was a shy, quiet lady, but the boys all loved her, and will miss her greatly.

Linda leaves behind 3 children; David, Anna and Emma, and our thoughts are with them at this difficult time, as well as Dom, Catherine, and the rest of the Birch household. Sleep tight Linda X

 

Maids team (caps in brackets)

1.       E Mandozzi (8)

2.       S Rawsthorne (12)

3.       L Jones (91)

4.       S Churchyard (94)

5.       A Berry (18)

6.       R Muil (18)

7.       L Leonard (42)

8.       D Cole (37)

9.       P Jansen (91)

10.   W Runciman (35)

11.   S Prince (47)

12.   C Broughton (9)

13.   N Crossley (20)

14.   M Roddick (24)

15.   M Davies (31)

16.   J Johnstone (1)

17.   E Atkins (4)

18.   D Baptista (10)

Come on you Maids!

 

Maids v Newton Abbot (home)

Maids v Newton Abbot (home)

In the first of their final 3 home games this season, Maidenhead welcome Newton Abbot RFC to Fortress Braywick, aiming to keep the pressure on 2nd placed Barnstaple, who face a tough trip to their Devon neighbours Exmouth on Saturday. Maids will be hoping Exmouth can do them a favour and beat their arch rivals, which could see the gap close to as little as 4 points, depending on bonus points, and of course, subject to Newton Abbot being dispatched…

It’s been a topsy-turvy few weeks for the ‘Devon All Whites’, which, according to reports, has seen Head Coach Matt Jess depart, along with several senior players, but if Maids have learnt anything over the last couple of seasons in SW Premier, it’s that there are no easy games, and on any given day, anyone can beat anyone…

Last time out, it was heartbreak for Bolton’s men, as they succumbed to a penalty with the last play of the game, which saw the home side, Weston, snatch a draw, thus awarding the visitors just the 3 points instead of 5, which they feel they deserved. Despite the disappointing result, the coaching team would have been pleased with the performance, which saw them bounce back from 24-17 down, to lead 27-24 until that final passage of play.

Weston are always a tough team to play against, and that game unfortunately caused no fewer than 4 injuries- an early recurrence of an ankle injury to Andy Darlington meant he limped off after 10 minutes, and he was followed by centre Charlie Broughton in the 2nd half who picked up a thigh strain. Then, with just 20 minutes to go, Olly Foxley hyperextended his elbow, causing a fracture and two torn ligaments, ruling him out for the rest of the season, and he will be joined on the sidelines by skipper, Myke Parrott who dislocated and broke his elbow in the final play of the game.

Due to injury and unavailability, there are several changes to the squad this week frustratingly, but one young man who keeps his place in the squad, is local Granny-bashing, ASBO collector, Scott Prince. Having a curfew for anti-social behaviour means, the young lout has had plenty of opportunity to give us his thoughts, ahead of this weekend’s game.

 

Name- Scott Prince

Nickname(s)- Prin, Prinny, Prinny Senior, Prin Diesel, Spitty Scott, Ho-Chi-Prin, Joey Barton.

Position(s)- Wing/fullback

Strengths- Hiding my hairline, swindling money, getting arrested, Fifa (had it in my prison cell), hoovering the bus, spying on my fit Auntie.

Weaknesses- Hairline, bicep curls, my Dad, eating, honesty.

Occupation- Defrauding innocent old people and taking their life savings.

If you could be any of your teammates, who would you be and why? I’d be Rod Muil- his Tinder chat is strong, and he loves dogs.

Which teammate would you least like to have over for dinner? Parrott- he’s well boring now he doesn’t drink. He was much better when he was lashed up doing bird baths and spraying the fire extinguisher all over the club.

What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? Staring at my fit girlfriend.

Tell us something we don’t know about you- for Xmas, I bought my Dad a cat flap so he can get in and out the back door without needing his keys.

What are your aspirations for this season? Try and nick the playoff place and beat Bournemouth in their own back yard.

It’s a warm welcome return to action for Lewis ‘Pumba’ Jones, who has required a 2 month break, such was the gruelling nature of his previous fitness regime, he takes his spot on the bench, as front row replacement, covering young Elio Mandozzi who has a tendency to get distracted by the ‘magical aeroplanes’ during games, often needing a small break to ‘refocus’ the young prop, and keep him from running after the pigeons behind the pitch.

Don’t miss new Netflix series ‘Narcos’, starring Big Ron Birch

Ed Atkins is touch and go for this week’s clash- he’s having girlfriend issues after putting only 11 kisses on the end of his good night text last night, instead of the normal 12, despite being next to her at the time, whilst Andy Berry is back in the squad after some ground-breaking physiotherapy treatment from the truncheon of Physio Ali.

For Mark ‘Badger’ Bates, the boys have chipped in to buy him a special set of concrete tackle bags, for flying headbutt practice in team run-throughs, and he’ll be hoping for his famous ‘holy-trinity’ birthday treat when he gets home. Big Ron Birch is in a famously good mood, after Boughy made him in Administrator on the club’s new GMS system, meaning he can delete records for all 1st XV team members, accelerating their exit from the club.

 

Maids team (caps in brackets):

1.       E Mandozzi (7)

2.       M Darlington (c) (35)

3.       S Rawsthorne (11)

4.       S Churchyard (93)

5.       A Berry (17)

6.       R Muil (17)

7.       L Leonard (41)

8.       D Cole (36)

9.       C Morgan (13)

10.   P Jansen (90)

11.   S Prince (46)

12.   C Broughton (8)

13.   N Crosley (19)

14.   M Roddick (23)

15.   M Davies (30)

16.   L Jones (90)

17.   E Atkins (3)

18.   L Ellis (13)

 

Newton Abbot team:

1.       Radford

2.       Dore

3.       Dowrick

4.       Browne

5.       Milton

6.       Fogden

7.       Bottoms

8.       Wright

9.       Vicary

10.   Castleton

11.   Brown

12.   Monnington

13.   Fogden

14.   Perica

15.   Allen

16.   Lacey

17.   Blackmore

18.   Ottoway

 

Come on you Maids!

 

Maids v Weston (away)

Maids v Weston (away)

With just 7 games left of this campaign, the race for that much-coveted play-off place is seriously hotting up, with another round of ‘juicy’ fixtures set to further shape this rollercoaster of a season. Barring a catastrophic collapse which nobody can foresee, Bournemouth now have the title well and truly wrapped up, and will deservedly go up as Champions, but competition to stay in this division at the bottom end of the table is fierce, and Maids have Ivybridge hot on their tails, with Barum 7 points ahead of them, in the fight for 2nd.

After Barnstaple dropped points, with a loss away at Drybrook a week ago, and now facing the prospect of a dangerous Exeter University side this week, Maids will be hoping to bridge that 7 point gap ahead of welcoming their North-Devon rivals to Braywick on March 23rd. However, standing in their way, is the formidable opponent of Weston Super-Mare RFC, who have been the only side to leave Braywick this season with a win. Despite sitting in 9th position in the table, Maids know that Weston well and truly had their number earlier in the season, yet both number 8 Brad Talbot, and loosehead prop, Sam Coles, who were outstanding that day, miss this return fixture through injury. They are replaced by youngsters Tom Sugg and Charlie Brabham respectively, the latter of whom has recently featured in some A League fixtures for Bristol.

For Maids, hooker Mark Darlington returns to the squad after recovering from his papercut, meaning new recruit Sam Rawsthorne drops to the bench. He wasn’t too downbeat however, when he was given the opportunity to feature in this weeks’ high-in-demand match preview…

Name- Sam Rawsthorne

Nickname(s)- ‘Travis’, ‘Rawsy’, ‘Sub’, ‘Mark Bosnich’, ‘Bozzy’, ‘Lavin Mark II’, ‘Sandpit Sam’.

Position(s)- Bench

Occupation- I make coffee for Andy Berry, and clean his shoes.

Weaknesses- Fully answering questionnaires, IQ, ascertaining my nationality, my accent, following instructions, common sense.

Strengths- my girlfriend, making sandcastles, asking people how their day has been.

If you could be any of your teammates, who would you be and why? I’d be Andy Berry, so I could have my own personal PA for both work and rugby too.

Which teammate would you least like to have over for dinner? Ryan Long- he’s already added my Mrs on Facebook. It’s always how it starts.

What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? Upon my return from Australia, I’ve recently joined UKIP and the National Front with Tom King, so I’m really enjoying bashing up anti-Brexit protestors and soft lefties on my free weekends.

Tell us something we don’t know about you- I was the one who left the speaker out in the rain last week.

What are your aspirations for this season? Get a start, get promoted, move in with Andy Berry.

 

Ahead of his maiden bus trip for the first team, young Ed Atkins was unfortunate enough to be papped on the tube with some roses, 3 minutes after excusing himself from training last night, so he will be looking forward to 3 hours of drinking from Jockstrap John’s ball sack on the way home tomorrow, whilst Charlie Broughton’s initiation has rolled over yet another week, and he climbs to number 1 contender for Puss of the Week, with a prize of a lovely t-shirt and some cat milk beckoning.

Ed Atkins ‘couldn’t make training’ last night…

Niall Crosley will be hoping to take his place in the centre after recovering from his annual Valentine’s beating from his Mrs, but Andy Berry misses out sadly- he was pictured with Rolf Harris wandering around Oldfield school last week, so has an appointment with the Maidenhead Constabulary.

On the coaching front, Mark Bates has this week had to cancel his family summer holiday to France with his access to the country abruptly denied following his assault on 22 French Vets last weekend, whilst Zoran Higgins has been banned indefinitely from future coach trips by the Club Committee, in the aftermath of complaints of nakedness and lewd behaviour from 17 different cars on the M4 last Saturday night, as well as Burger King staff, the owner of Premier Coaches and the toilet attendant from Weston Service station.

 

Congratulations to Will Macaulay, who wins his 50th 1st XV cap this weekend, a fine feat for the 45 year old flanker.

 

Maids team (caps in brackets)

1.       M Parrott (c) (198)

2.       M Darlington (34)

3.       A Darlington (36)

4.       S Churchyard (92)

5.       L Leonard (40)

6.       T Muil (16)

7.       W Macaulay (50)

8.       D Cole (35)

9.       P Jansen (89)

10.   W Runciman (34)

11.   D Baptista (9)

12.   C Broughton (7)

13.   N Crosley (18)

14.   S Prince (45)

15.   O Foxley (13)

16.   S Rawsthorne (10)

17.   E Atkins (2)

18.   A French (21)

 

Weston team:

1.       C Brabham

2.       M Hocking

3.       O Streeter

4.       A Glen

5.       C Kingscott

6.       S Fisher

7.       R Bignell

8.       T Sugg

9.       R Bennett

10.   J Mackay

11.   M Watkins

12.   G Dickson

13.   M Nel

14.   A Howman

15.   R Mackay

16.   A Fisher

17.   G Bamsey

18.   H Jones

Come on you Maids!

Maids v Exmouth (home)

Maids v Exmouth (home)

Maids will be doing their best to bounce back from a disappointing loss away to Exeter University last week, which saw them return home without even a bonus point to show for their efforts. Maids felt the full force of a 1st string Exeter Uni side, who don’t recommence BUCS League commitments for another week yet. The Students were good value for their win, and all at Braywick hope they can continue to cause a few upsets in this final stretch of the season, and hopefully assist Maids in their quest for that coveted 2nd place spot.

It’s another tough fixture for Maids, as a confident Exmouth side arrive from Devon, fresh from an impressive 43-32 victory over rivals Ivybridge last week. Their beefed up pack feature Nick Halse at hooker, who packed down at prop in the reverse fixture, and he is flanked by Shane Cooper, who was absent from the game in October, and new signing Charlie Tribble, who has recently joined from Taunton. Dave Bargent, normally back row, fills in at 12 this week, with normal inside centre Mark Wathes pushed to the wing, with player/coach Tom Whelan at full back.

There are a few enforced changes this week, but after impressing off the bench last week, Perry Jansen makes his first start since his latest holiday after the Bournemouth game. He took some time away from fancy lunches and dodging training to give us his thoughts…

Name- Perry Jansen

Nickname(s)- ‘Pel’, ‘Pel Fire’, ‘Pez’, ‘Pez Dog’, ‘Jerry Pansen’, ‘Perry Greenwood’, ‘Paolo di Canio’.

Position(s)- 9, 10, 11, 13, 14, 15

Strengths- Heads up (animal version), articulate, poaching eggs, being better than Jaryd, pace, taking holidays.

Weaknesses- following instructions, Flea’s belly button, kicking for posts, cold and wet weather, playing 2s, staying for the whole season.

Occupation- London restaurant critic.

If you could be any of your teammates, who would you be and why? Ed Keohane, what a guy. Couldn’t even get him drunk on his own stag do. Unbelievable at being hidden, not hiding from the PTC. Gets to miss games and go straight back in the 1s, all round good potato.

Which teammate would you least like to have over for dinner? Ryan Long. Be worried about what would be said to my Mrs when I wasn’t around. Sssssssslippery guy!

What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? Prank calling Dave Cole, looking after Pumba’s calves, surfing, golf, lunching.

Tell us something we don’t know about you- I was the first Indian child to attend Claire’s Court school.

What are your aspirations for this season? Push for that play-off spot, be a part of Maidenhead history, play 2 weeks in a row.

 

Maids Director of Rugby, Gareth Andrews-Jones, is delighted to clinch the signing of young back row forward Rod Muil, who will make his home debut from the bench this week, after moving from South Africa. Upon joining the club, Rod told us ‘Yar, it’s good to be here. I’m South African with a heart of stone. I’ll soon be starting at 8, with Cooley in the 2’s. Yar’. Rod has already endeared himself to his new teammates, by sticking around for the social last week, unlike his selfish cousin Todd, who hasn’t been seen for 2 weeks, but is probably off doing stuff with his other friends.

New signing Rod Muil is welcomed by DoR, Gareth Andrews-Jones

Alex French makes his first appearance of the season, that’s if he doesn’t leave shortly after starting, whilst Scott Prince is also back involved, following the completion of his ASBO for spitting at pensioners in Maidenhead High Street. Dylan Baptista misses out- he thinks everyone believes he’s injured, before then posting a picture of himself in Budapest earlier today, thus thrusting himself into the much-vaunted Sandpit Crew. On that note, Owen Langstone spends a week on the sidelines, after his tongue got stuck on the frosty bus window on Tuesday night, but fortunately Nigerian Nigel was on hand to help, after he struggled to find the exit to Braywick Park, following the return from Exeter on Saturday night.

 

 

Maids team (caps in brackets)

1.       M Parrott (c) (196)

2.       M Darlington (33)

3.       A Darlington (34)

4.       S Churchyard (90)

5.       A Berry (15)

6.       R Long (132)

7.       W Macaulay (48)

8.       D Cole (33)

9.       P Jansen (87)

10.   W Runciman (32)

11.   A French (19)

12.   C Broughton (5)

13.   N Crosley (16)

14.   S Prince (43)

15.   O Foxley (11)

16.   S Rawsthorne (8)

17.   R Muil (2)

18.   A Lubbock (14)

 

Exmouth team:

1.       Tribble

2.       Halse

3.       Cooper

4.       Fahy

5.       Richards

6.       O’Shaughnessy

7.       Harris

8.       Hawley

9.       Watkins

10.   Meadows

11.   Wathes

12.   Bargent

13.   Headley

14.   Goldson

15.   Whelan

16.   Goss

17.   Fowler

18.   Richardson

Come on you Maids!

Maids v Exeter University (away)

Maids v Exeter University (away)

Maids travel to Topsham this week, to face league new boys, Exeter University, aiming to make it 4 wins in a row, for the first time since the league-winning campaign of 2016/17. Results for the University have been somewhat inconsistent this year, and one can only presume that availability and selection issues hamper the home team during holiday season. This is evidenced by 34-0 and 32-10 losses to Cleve and Weston respectively before Xmas, before a stunning 38-18 victory at Ivybridge last week. With no BUCS game due until January 30th, the University should have a full complement to select from this week, so Maids know it will be a tough ask, and a very different line-up to the one they faced back in September.

Last week’s lineup saw the University field club captain Rory McMeikan in the back row, and with no midweek fixture due, he will likely continue this Saturday, whilst there was also an appearance for talented fullback, Sal M’Boge, who has featured in the ‘A’-League for Exeter Chiefs. Josh Pietersen and Harry Bazalgette were stand out performers in the reverse fixture at Braywick earlier in the season, and both featured against Ivybridge last week, so are expected to play this week also.

It’s been another pleasing selection week, with minimal changes made, and it’s only Will Macaulay missing from the team which beat Drybrook last Saturday, to be replaced by young Todd Muil, who will likely dodge the team social this week, and elect to go out with his other fwends and not invite any of the rugby lads. WE HOPE YOU HAD A GREAT BLOODY BIRTHDAY TODD.

Anyway, enough about selfish Todd, we caught up with the 9-year-old, Adonis-like sun-dodger Olly Foxley this week, to try and understand just why he needs so many holidays…

 

Name- Olly Foxley

Nickname(s)- ‘The Fox’, ‘Ginger Spice’, ‘Gingernuts’, ‘Alpha Ginge’, ‘Ruel Fox’, ‘Holiday Harry’.

Position(s)- Full back/wing/in the shade

Occupation- Still in year 7 at school.

Weaknesses- Sunlight, height, adult clothes, playing consecutive games, fruit shoots.

Strengths- Physique, rugby, shagging, holidays, kids’ train tickets.

If you could be any of your teammates, who would you be and why? Dylan Baptista- he’s massive, and people run away from him when he has the ball.

Which teammate would you least like to have over for dinner? Andy Darlington- as soon as the fun, eating part is done, he’ll be whinging about his toe and the referee, and then duck out of the washing up.

What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? Golf, shagging, gym, shagging, eating.

Tell us something we don’t know about you- I used to have my tongue pierced, and I was born in 2005.

What are your aspirations for this season? Promotion and a tan.

 

Adam Lubbock has taken a weekend off to mentally recover from the witty retorts of Elio and the Sandpit Crew, whose very own Levi Meek has recovered from ‘Bucket Bicep’ to take his place in the 2s line-up this weekend against Rams. Will Runciman starts at 10, and has escaped further disciplinary action after he was caught red-handed prank calling Big Ron Birch yesterday before training. Rather than suspend Runciman, Big Ron took the rather reserved, reasonable approach of simply setting his kit bag alight last night…must be going soft in his old age.

Saw Rawsthorne continues his run in the 1st XV squad, and has been assured that as long as his girlfriend continues to attend matches, he will never be dropped, regardless of performance, whilst Ryan Long has been caught adding her on Facebook already. Ted Keohane is confident he can race back home post-match in time for his curfew, he couldn’t resist the temptation of lobbing bricks at some scrounging students, and he’ll be joined on the sidelines by Maids pervert, Mike Andrew, who will be visiting the student campus for very different reasons.

Maids team (caps in brackets):

1.       M Parrott (c) (195)

2.       M Darlington (32)

3.       A Darlington (33)

4.       S Churchyard (89)

5.       L Leonard (37)

6.       A Berry (14)

7.       R Long (131)

8.       D Cole (32)

9.       C Morgan (12)

10.   W Runciman (31)

11.   D Baptista (7)

12.   C Broughton (4)

13.   N Crosley (15)

14.   M Roddick (22)

15.   O Foxley (8)

16.   S Rawsthorne (7)

17.   T Muil (13)

18.   P Jansen (85)

 

Come on you Maids!