Maidenhead v Grove (away)

Maidenhead v Grove (away)

Maidenhead face a tricky away trip to Grove, buoyed by their best performance of the season last week, in an 80-17 thumping of Chippenham. Chipp had no answer to the pace, power, and fitness of a rampant Maids team that displayed accuracy, precision and a hunger to dispel the memories of a disappointing reverse at Banbury 7 days earlier.

Due to the weather, Grove haven’t played for 2 weeks, since losing away at Chippenham, 43-12. They will be disappointed with recent form, after an impressive start, which saw them win 4 of their first 5, before losing out to Maidenhead at Braywick, 37-25, in a spirited performance. Maids will be wary of the much-vaunted catch and drive from Grove, which has been a feature of many of their scoring plays so far this year. No doubt, second row player-coach Josh Tyler has been a big advocate of this weapon selection, and it’s an area they’ll surely look to capitalise on, in the anticipated bad weather this weekend.

For Maids, there are a few changes this week, and one inclusion, is that of Murray Barratt, a new signing this season, who has impressed so far…

*Nickname(s)? Muz, Muzza, Barry Bennall, Launchbury.

*Occupation? Strength and Conditioning/Rugby Coach

*Position? 6/8/reluctant 2nd row.

*Former clubs? Luctonians RFC, Hereford RFC.

*Biggest rugby achievement to date? Working as strength and conditioning coach for England Women’s Rugby, and coaching Wellington College to just one loss in 2 years. Try assist for Old Pats.

*Favourite food? Peanut butter, ideally consumed off genitals (male or female, not fussy).

*Dream woman/man? Jo Thomas, the Crossfit coach in Windsor.

*Which Maids teammate would you least like to be stuck in a lift with, and why? Churchy/Parrott, they both like a birdbath far too much.

*What do you want to achieve this season? Cement a place in the starting XV of a title-winning side and ask Jo out for dinner.

Ryan Long misses out this week- he has been unmasked as the despicable Twitter troll, sending messages to Katie Price on Twitter, so has been suspended by Stephen Bough, and Phil White has travelled to Washington, to participate in the feminism marches against Donald Trump. Perry Jansen continues to struggle with the loss of George Michael, whilst Ross Muil has taken advantage of the couples’ discount at the Sunbed Shop in town. Now the depraved Nic Jones is injured, Chris Gill has agreed to return to the 1st XV, following a traumatic debut bus trip from Trowbridge, where the wandering hands of Jones changed the young man’s outlook on life forever.

Maids team:

  1. Parrott (c)
  2. L Jones
  3. Britton
  4. Emmanuel
  5. Churchyard
  6. Barratt
  7. Evans
  8. Macauley
  9. Hill
  10. Thompson
  11. Prince
  12. Hannigan
  13. Bart
  14. Burnett
  15. Finnie
  16. Richmond
  17. Gill
  18. Childerhouse

Come on you Maids!

The musings of Big Dom Birch

The musings of Big Dom Birch

Nicknames? Dommy, Big D, Laugh-a-lot, Mr Happy, Chuckles

 Occupation? Full time Goon to Seniors or Commercial Manager here at MRUFC

 Position; Leaning on the bar, Locked in the office calming down after more Snr’s “antics”. Used to play tight head.

 Former Clubs; Kendal, Cumbria, Sheffield Poly to Maids

 Biggest Rugby Achievement; Got into the U18 North of England trials but was so hammered after a night out spent all trials throwing up. Unfairly wasn’t invited back. Coaches all goons anyway.

 Fave Food; Salad, occasional steamed chicken or fish. All about keeping light and nimble. Ready for any eventuality.

 Dream Woman; Only one – my perfect wife. Although Cadden’s Missus intrigues me as she is so psycho-never a dull moment?

 Which Maids Teammate; None. Absolutely none. They are all wrong ‘uns with things wrong in their head and their outlook. Parrot, Chilli, Churchy, in fact list them all. Now I’m steaming just thinking about them. Eman – complete Goon. Cadden – not all there. Bollox to this – am gonna go away and draw up a full list. And they’re all barred.

 What you want achieve; Ban all Snr squad. Close bar and keep customers out. Keep heating turned off. Cancel the phone line. Stop children running about and stop selling sweets.

 At this point the interview was over as Big D had lost control thinking about all the senior’s and could be heard screaming in the background “Goons – the effing lot of them”……..

Maids v Chippenham (home)

Maids v Chippenham (home)

Maids’ title hopes took a dent last week, as they lost top spot by losing to Banbury, whilst ever-consistent Old Pats won yet again, to reclaim pole position in SW1. A lacklustre last start from Maids, coupled with a blistering first 20 minutes from Banbury saw them 17-0 down at half time, quickly going 20-0 down, and then 1 man down, leaving them a mountain to climb. It was an admirable fight back, which saw 3 tries scored with no reply, but sadly they couldn’t overturn the deficit against James Kerr’s in-form Bulls, and they lost out 20-17. They now trail Old Patesians by 2 points, with 10 games to go, including the challenge of another in-form side, Chippenham, who arrive at Braywick tomorrow, in confident mood, after they dispatched Witney 31-3 a week ago.

Chippenham play off a solid set piece, and the usually reliable Maids scrum will be severely tested tomorrow, as reports indicate it’s an area where they are very strong. Luke Corbett dons the number 3 shirt, and will be up against Maidenhead skipper, Myke Parrott upfront, whose unsuccessful post Xmas diet has seen his weight disappointingly escalate. Dom Birch must shoulder the majority of the blame for this raise, following his insistence on seconds after training, including extra sausages on Tuesday, and 4 pieces of naan bread last night.

Out wide, brothers Lewis and Ryan Surry play at scrum half and centre respectively, with Ryan captaining the side from number 12, whilst Dom Riccio at fly-half is a dangerous player, who will need to be carefully marshalled by the Maidenhead back row.

After impressing last week, upon his return to 1st team duty off the bench, winger Mike Burnett starts his first game since October, and we caught up with him this week, to ask some deep and insightful questions…

*Nickname(s)? Mikey B, Ted, Teddy, Cheese.

*Occupation? Management Consultant

*Position? Usually just plain old missionary on the physio bed. Back 3 when fit.

*Former clubs? Maids, Weston-Super-Mare, Clifton, Maids.

*Biggest rugby achievement to date? Getting promoted to Nat 3 with Maids, and starting for Clifton in Nat 2.

*Favourite food? Bangers and mash

*Dream woman/man? Linda, in the kitchen.

*Which Maids teammate would you least like to be stuck in a lift with, and why? Any of you ‘orrible little things, who think it’s ok ** **** *** *** on each other. Only my mother does that to me. Other than that, Whitey, he’s been to some dark places in Kazakhstan.

*What do you want to achieve this season? Knee replacement and promotion.

Thanks to Will Greenwood for organising the visit from a psychologist last night, sadly, after being present during Will Cadden’s session, he now requires therapy himself, so has absconded to a Sky-sports sponsored retreat to recover, and so misses the game. Paul Britton is welcomed back to the starting line up this week, whilst Nic Jones extends the prison bars on his shed, with Lewis Jones switching to hooker. Christoph Bart is back in the starting line up, after playing his part in the recent revival of the red-light economy in Amsterdam, and Scott Prince is expected to recover from the belt whipping dished out by his father for losing last week. Ed Keohane has been suspended, for sending daily nudes to forwards coach, Mark Bates, so is out for another week.

Maids team:

  1. Parrott (c)
  2. L Jones
  3. Britton
  4. Emmanuel
  5. Churchyard
  6. White
  7. Macauley
  8. Long
  9. Hill
  10. Thompson
  11. Prince
  12. Hannigan
  13. Bart
  14. Burnett
  15. Finnie
  16. Marriott
  17. Dance
  18. Childerhouse

Chippenham team:

  1. Riley
  2. Turner
  3. Corbett
  4. Bye
  5. Angell
  6. Hendy
  7. Clark
  8. Clilverd
  9. Surry
  10. Riccio
  11. Parry
  12. Surry
  13. Johnson
  14. Doggett
  15. Taylor
  16. Larrimore
  17. Ascott
  18. Douglas

Come on you Maids!

Maids v Banbury (away)

Maids v Banbury (away)

Following on from their victorious derby in the Royal-Borough-Rumble last week against Windsor, Maidenhead face a tricky fixture, in the form of Banbury away. Maids were made to work hard for the 5 points last week, against an industrious, much-improved Windsor side, eventually prevailing 29-0, and maintaining the 1 point advantage over Old Patesians, at the top of South West 1.

Banbury, similarly, were derby victors, overcoming neighbours Grove, 17-8, thanks largely to the boot of scrum half, Ed Phillips. With poor conditions predicted this weekend, the Bulls will be hoping that Phillips has his eye in versus Maids, and has the better of the away kicker, Tom Finnie. Back row forward, Cash Chilvers, starts for Bulls, despite a broken nose sustained against his old club Grove last week, whilst ex-Chinnor centres Sam Stoop and Matt Goode fill the 10 and 12 shirts respectively. Banbury are currently unbeaten in 7 games, and will be determined to avenge their 38-0 defeat to Maids earlier in the season.

This week, we caught up with social enigma, James Emmanuel, a self-confessed awkward recluse with a fetish for licking new carpets, and an extreme phobia of walking up stairs in front of other people…

*Nickname(s)? Diego, E-Gainz, E-Puss, Some guy called me Ian the other week.

*Occupation? Poster maker/PA for Dom Birch.

*Position? Whitey’s paternity cover.

*Former clubs? N/A, Maidenhead since 1993.

*Biggest rugby achievement to date? Playing for Maids 1s.

*Favourite food? Ribs and wings, because they’re awkward, like me.

*Dream woman/man? Cadden’s Mrs.

*Which Maids teammate would you least like to be stuck in a lift with, and why? Myke Parrott, because last time I was stuck in a lift with him, he pi$$ed all over me.

*What do you want to achieve this season? Promotion, and for Dom to accept my Facebook friend request. I’d also like to get out of the friend zone with Hollie Hutton.

 

Maids make a few changes this week- Will Cadden returns to the squad, and is excited about travelling to Banbury, to lick some snow, and he replaces Ross Muil, who has faked a head injury, to stay home with his girlfriend and make cupcakes. Ed Keohane misses out through a shoulder injury, sustained whilst ten-pin bowling last week, and Christoph Bart has fled the country, in fear of Donald Trump coming into power. Lewis ‘Lunch-Money’ Jones will be shoe-horned into the number 3 shirt, and will celebrate his 50th cap. Congratulations Lunch Money.

Maids team:

  1. Parrott (c)
  2. J Jones
  3. L Jones
  4. Churchyard
  5. Emmanuel
  6. White
  7. Macauley
  8. Long
  9. Hill
  10. Thompson
  11. Lewis
  12. Hannigan
  13. Skelton
  14. Prince
  15. Finnie
  16. Britton
  17. Cadden
  18. Burnett

Banbury team:

  1. Fox
  2. Ding
  3. Isham (c)
  4. J Mills
  5. Brock
  6. Chilvers
  7. S Mills
  8. C Phillips
  9. E Phillips
  10. Stoop
  11. Cracknell
  12. Goode
  13. Manley
  14. J Mills
  15. Briggs
  16. Key
  17. Harden
  18. TBC

Come on you Maids!

Maidenhead v Windsor (home)

Maidenhead v Windsor (home)

Maids v Windsor (home)

A very Happy New Year to everyone- here’s hoping for a 2017 full of tries, wins and birdbaths! What a way to kick off the new calendar year, with a fascinating local derby versus our resurgent friends, Windsor. Maids won this corresponding fixture at Home Park in September, turning in an impressive performance, which saw them humble the hosts, 45-13. However, Windsor are a very different side to the one which succumbed to Maids back then, and seem to have settled into life under new coach, Anthony Andrews. Indeed, they enter this game on the back of a 4 match unbeaten run, which has included impressive wins over Grove and Witney.

Windsor have been buoyed by the return of hooker Allan Crawshaw, and with influential scrum half Rhys Davies back on the bench for this game, and skipper Neil Baggett close to a return, they’ll be confident of an improved showing in the 2nd half of this season.

Following a professional 39-15 victory at Swindon on December 17th, Maidenhead entered the Xmas break top of the table, just one point ahead of 2nd placed Old Patesians, and they will be striving to secure 5 points against Windsor, to keep them on the summit. Windsor have the unenviable task of trying to contain Christoph Bart, a man who has been in imperious form for Maids recently, arguably playing his finest rugby in a Maids shirt, since rejoining last season. So much so, he earned the title of ‘Beast of Swindon’ recently from Advertiser reporter Graeme Copas. Upon hearing this title, Tinder-fiend Frank Khakhumlan was on red alert, for what sounded like his type of woman, only to be sorely disappointed, upon reading further into the article.

Another Maids player in a rich vein of form currently, is 18 year old winger Scott Prince, who we caught up with this week, to learn a little more about:

*Nickname(s)? Prinny, Prinny Senior, Captain Happy

*Occupation? Apprentice birdbath technician

*Position? Wing/Fullback/over my Dad’s knee

*Former clubs? Only ever played for Maids.

*Biggest rugby achievement to date? Beating Claire’s Court 2 years in a row for Desborough, with our reserves.

*Favourite food? A nice plain curry, nothing spicy. Like my personality.

*Dream woman/man? Margot Robbie/Steve Prince

*Which Maids teammate would you least like to be stuck in a lift with, and why? Myke Parrott- he doesn’t know any boundaries.

*What do you want to achieve this season? Top of the league, comfortably beat all our rivals, and to kiss a girl for the first time.

Maids welcome back Ed Keohane to the side, who starts at 15, after missing the Swindon game- his assertion that he’s too good looking to go to Swindon, probably correct. William Cadden is away on spelling camp indefinitely, so misses out, which sees James Emmanuel start in the 2nd row, despite having a New Year’s Eve party and not inviting any of the boys. Lewis Jones looks set to recover from his turkey-coma to walk from scrum to scrum, and Umar Marriott has managed to secure a Pimp deputy, to allow him time to play.

Maids team:

  1. Parrott (c)
  2. T Jones
  3. L Jones
  4. Emmanuel
  5. Churchyard
  6. White
  7. Muil
  8. Long
  9. Hill
  10. Thompson
  11. Prince
  12. Hannigan
  13. Bart
  14. Lewis
  15. Keohane
  16. Marriott
  17. Macauley
  18. Finnie

Windsor team:

  1. Kidd
  2. Crawshaw
  3. Noakes
  4. Jupp
  5. Livingstone
  6. Monsey
  7. King
  8. Cheetham
  9. Cullen
  10. Grant-Adamson
  11. Gaylor
  12. Balmer
  13. Birch
  14. Howard
  15. Moseley
  16. Carne
  17. Hewitt
  18. Davies

Come on you Maids!