Nicknames? Dommy, Big D, Laugh-a-lot, Mr Happy, Chuckles

 Occupation? Full time Goon to Seniors or Commercial Manager here at MRUFC

 Position; Leaning on the bar, Locked in the office calming down after more Snr’s “antics”. Used to play tight head.

 Former Clubs; Kendal, Cumbria, Sheffield Poly to Maids

 Biggest Rugby Achievement; Got into the U18 North of England trials but was so hammered after a night out spent all trials throwing up. Unfairly wasn’t invited back. Coaches all goons anyway.

 Fave Food; Salad, occasional steamed chicken or fish. All about keeping light and nimble. Ready for any eventuality.

 Dream Woman; Only one – my perfect wife. Although Cadden’s Missus intrigues me as she is so psycho-never a dull moment?

 Which Maids Teammate; None. Absolutely none. They are all wrong ‘uns with things wrong in their head and their outlook. Parrot, Chilli, Churchy, in fact list them all. Now I’m steaming just thinking about them. Eman – complete Goon. Cadden – not all there. Bollox to this – am gonna go away and draw up a full list. And they’re all barred.

 What you want achieve; Ban all Snr squad. Close bar and keep customers out. Keep heating turned off. Cancel the phone line. Stop children running about and stop selling sweets.

 At this point the interview was over as Big D had lost control thinking about all the senior’s and could be heard screaming in the background “Goons – the effing lot of them”……..