Maids v Reading (home)

Maids v Reading (home)

Maids took a giant step towards their ultimate goal of securing the South-West 1 championship last week, gaining 5 points away at in-form Oxford Harlequins, whilst 2nd placed Old Patesians faltered against a resurgent Newbury team, which opened up a 7 point gap at the summit. Consequently, if Maids can win two of their final three matches, they will be crowned champions.

First up for Bolton’s men, is the small matter of a Berkshire derby, versus old rivals, Reading. Sadly for the ‘Green Machine’, their fate for next season is already sealed, with relegation to Southern Counties now a mathematical certainty. Plagued by injuries and unavailability, this has been a season to forget for the men from Sonning, and after just 3 victories this campaign, they will hope to rebuild and ensure that next season is far more successful.

In their line-up this week, they feature Charlie Davies at 8, who has received rave reviews, despite his team’s struggles, and ever-present Chris Greig on the wing, always seems to score versus Maids. Alex Dorliac at 13 is one to watch in green and white, and fullback-turned-flyhalf Alex Murray-Smith, will be tasked with ensuring good ball gets out to his dangermen.

A key feature of Maidenhead’s success this season, is the return of Braywick old boys, such as Ryan Long, Ed Keohane, Alex Cannon and more recently, Joe Bough, after a brief secondment at London Cornish. It’s great to have Joe back in the squad, and we caught up with him this week, to learn a little more about him…

*Nickname(s)? Boughie, Boughie Junior, Le Bough, Forest Fire, Tango Pubes, Toe-breaker, Wotsit Head.

*Occupation? Chairman’s son .

*Position? Second row.

*Former clubs? London Cornish, BRFC Paris, Aston Cobras.

*Biggest rugby achievement to date? Selected for ‘ile de France’; it’s a weird ginger French team, but we didn’t have enough members to play a game.

*Favourite food? Crisps (mainly Wotsits).

*Dream woman/man? The fat chick at pole dancing in the clubhouse on Thursday nights.

*Which Maids teammate would you least like to be stuck in a lift with, and why? Rupert- he’s the only man who understands the lineout calls less than me.

*What do you want to achieve this season? Promotion, and to break some toes.

 

In the words of Mark ‘Badger’ Bates… “he’s got Tourette’s in his feet”, so players from both sides, will be hoping that Le Bough can keep it in check tomorrow. Ryan Long is absent this week, as he participates in his annual MILF-hunting weekend, disguised as a ski trip, while Nic ‘Fritzl’ Jones has used a similar excuse, but to hide a very different excursion…

Will Cadden and Rorie Hannigan are both rested this week, so there are call-ups for Weird Will Thompson at centre, and Murray Barratt in the back row, a victorious coach of Wellington U15s midweek at Twickenham. Bolton hands first team debuts to outstanding youngsters Laurence Jones and Joel Greene this week, and the whole of Maidenhead awaits Allan Greene’s Facebook status in anticipation. Rumours abound that senior Greene has already started drinking for the game, and is a bottle of port down, are currently ‘unsubstantiated’, but it’s a distinct possibility. Fwankie make Mr Gaweth weally happy last week with his twy, so he continues in the starting lineup.

 

Maids team:

 

  1. Parrott (c)
  2. Laurence Jones
  3. Britton
  4. Bough
  5. Emmanuel
  6. Barratt
  7. Muil
  8. Macaulay
  9. Childerhouse
  10. Jansen
  11. Prince
  12. Keohane
  13. Thompson
  14. Khakhumlan
  15. Finnie
  16. Lewis Jones
  17. Greene
  18. Lewis

 

Reading team:

 

  1. Pallett
  2. Watson
  3. Nicol
  4. Parr
  5. Kenneally
  6. Cranton
  7. McRoberts
  8. Davies
  9. Portch
  10. Murray-Smith
  11. Greig
  12. Czernuka
  13. Dorliac
  14. Mitchell
  15. Hill
  16. Woodworth
  17. Hegarty
  18. Assefuah

 

Come on you Maids!

 

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Maids v Oxford Harlequins (away)

Maids v Oxford Harlequins (away)

Maids continue their title-quest this week, away from home again, this time travelling to Oxfordshire neighbours, Oxford Harlequins. The 68-22 defeat of Quins at Braywick before Xmas, has turned out to be a real catalyst for their upturn in form, during the 2nd half of this season. Quins have won 7 of the last 9, and drawn one, which was away at Grove 2 weeks ago.

Unlike Quins, Maids didn’t have the fortune of a rest last week, and travelled to Gloucestershire, for the rearranged game against Old Centralians, seeing them turn in a professional and clinical display versus a side who will surely challenge for the league next season. They came away with all 5 points, after a 35-13 win, which sees them lead Old Pats in 2nd, by 3 points now, with just 4 matches remaining.

In the Quins line-up this week, Michael Ojo, voted Man of the Match at Braywick in November, is likely to partner skipper Allan Purchase in the 2nd row, whilst young Dion Taylor will be aiming to keep his place in the back row, after recent positive reviews of his performances. Archie Van Dijk at full back, provides Quins with a dangerous counter-attacking option, and they have their pick of options at 10, with one of Huw Dimond, Sam Watkinson and Ollie Jenner poised to start in the play-making role.

For Maidenhead this week, keeping his place in the 1st XV squad, after an impressive return against Old Cents, is young Frank Khakhumlan, who opens his heart on gender identity struggles, fetishes and general aspirations…

*Nickname(s)? Wankie, Frank-the-Tank, Lady Boy.

*Occupation? Chocolate-maker, Tinder-enthusiast (must be over 15st)

*Position? Wing, full-back, outside-centre, Reverse Cowgirl.

*Former clubs? Slough, Cardiff Met.

*Biggest rugby achievement to date? Winning the Fresher’s Cup with Cardiff Met, and being the first dual-gender player to score for Maidenhead 1st XV.

*Favourite food? Roast Dog, with noodles.

*Dream woman/man? Gareth Andrews-Jones.

*Which Maids teammate would you least like to be stuck in a lift with, and why? Will Cadden, he likes getting a little too weird.

*What do you want to achieve this season? Help the team win the league, and make Mr Gaweth weallllly happy.

 

Returning to the coaching set up this week, is forwards coach Mark Bates, who comes back from Margate as 2017 over-50s bare-knuckle boxing champion, whilst Russell Bolton joins him, after a week away auditioning for Love Island. A rejuvenated Nic Jones continues at hooker, after proudly completing the entire Karma-Sutra challenge in just one week, with his new girlfriend, as detailed to Perry Jansen in the physio room last night and Scott Prince makes a welcome to return to the squad after injury. Ross Muil continues to struggle with life after Charlie, amidst ‘solid rumours’ she has a begun an affair with skipper, Myke Parrott.

Maids team:

  1. Parrott (c)
  2. N Jones
  3. L Jones
  4. Bough
  5. Muil
  6. Cadden
  7. Macaulay
  8. Long
  9. Childerhouse
  10. Jansen
  11. Khakhumlan
  12. Hannigan
  13. Keohane
  14. Bart
  15. Finnie
  16. Britton
  17. Emmanuel
  18. Prince

Come on you Maids!

Maids v Old Centralians (away)

Maids v Old Centralians (away)

After a nervy first half last week, which saw title challengers Old Pats record 3 tries, Maids showed great character to respond, and finally pull away in the last play of the match, which saw Tom Finnie dot down, to score the decisive score, awarding Maids a bonus point, whilst also restricting their Gloucestershire counterparts to a solitary point. The 33-22 final result gives Maids a slight edge in the SW1 title race, and they now know that if they win their remaining games, with a couple of bonus points along the way, they will be champions.

This week, they travel to Old Patesians’ neighbours, Old Centralians, to play the re-arranged fixture, which was previously called off due to a waterlogged pitch. Old Cents boast a strong home record this season, and Maidenhead know that the 52-14 result, in the reverse fixture at Braywick before Xmas, is irrelevant to this week. Last time out, Old Cents were dismantled by 3rd-placed Newbury, 52-5, and they will be keen to bounce back, and what better way, than to bloody the noses of a team fighting for the title?

Maids were delighted to welcome back Jaryd Robinson into the squad last week, and he continues in the 11 shirt this week, so we took the opportunity to learn a bit more about him;

*Nickname(s)? J-Rod, Gerrard, Robbo, Jezza, Longy Mark II.

*Occupation? Printer fixer.

*Position? Wing.

*Former clubs? Too many to mention

*Biggest rugby achievement to date? Beating Samurai in the Super Sevens, playing in the World Club Sevens at Twickenham, and getting a bronze medal in the Maids RFC sprint race, behind Perry and Christoph.

*Favourite food? Steak.

*Dream woman? Ross Muil’s ex-girlfriend, Charlie Docker.

*Which Maids teammate would you least like to be stuck in a lift with, and why? Perry Jansen- he’s really boring to talk to.

*What do you want to achieve this season? Not get injured, and play a part in a successful promotion.

 

There are a few changes in the Maids squad this week, after the Old Pats victory last week; Sam Churchyard had his foot broken in training on Tuesday, by Umar ‘John Dem’ Marriott, who said he looked at him funny, and Ross Muil is out with a broken heart, so is at home watching Netflix and eating ice-cream, whilst Murray Barratt rubs his back. Rorie Hannigan, aka ‘Cow Head’, arrived at Old Cents yesterday, in eager anticipation of the reported long grass on the home side’s pitch and Christoph Bart is in Manchester, settling a gangland dispute.

 

Maids team:

 

  1. Parrott (c)
  2. N Jones
  3. L Jones
  4. Bough
  5. Emmanuel
  6. Cadden
  7. Macaulay
  8. Long
  9. Childerhouse
  10. Jansen
  11. Robinson
  12. Hannigan
  13. Keohane
  14. Khakhumlan
  15. Finnie
  16. Britton
  17. Evans
  18. Lewis

 

Come on you Maids!

Maidenhead v Old Patesians (home)

Maidenhead v Old Patesians (home)

Since November 19th last year, when Maids returned from Gloucestershire on the wrong end of a 29-27 result to Old Pats, surrendering the lead atop SW1, the boys have patiently waited, for their opportunity, to correct a few wrongs from that day, and that time has finally arrived…

Old Pats enter this game, on the back of a thumping 56-19 victory over Grove 7 days ago, so come into the match full of confidence, especially after mercurial scrum half Takuya Osaki made his long-awaited return from injury, off the bench. Fans often get their money’s worth at Braywick, and with Pats averaging 43 points a game in their last 3 outings, supporters from both teams will be excitedly anticipating an expansive, hard-fought, entertaining spectacle.

Upfront, both teams will be keen to assert dominance at scrum time, and each come with genuine credentials for best scrum in the division. The “lumpy” front 5 of Patesians, versus the smaller, but technically-proficient counterparts in Maids’ shirts will be a fascinating contest to behold, and will go some way to determining which exciting backline will prevail on Saturday.

The 2 back rows of Cadden, Long and Macauley versus Langton, Alldritt and Angell provide another scintillating head-to-head battle, and it’s arguable, that if the outstanding player on the pitch back that day in November, Ryan Long, hadn’t had to retire early, the result could have been very different.

Outside of Osaki at 9, the two fliers in the Patesians’ side, Spurrier and Gahan score bagfuls of tries from either wing, and the fact they keep Verden out of the XV, who scored a scorching hat-trick in the reverse fixture, is an indication of their proficiency, and they will surely relish the playing surface that the AGP gives.

Maids head into the game after a frustrating postponement of their away match at Old Cents last week, which means it’s 3 weeks since they last played, following a superb performance in the 34-17 victory over title rivals Newbury Blues. This week, we focus on Paul Britton, who made a quite thunderous impact coming off the bench in that game;

*Nickname(s)? Pauly B, Brits, Silver Fox, Hefner, Carol Smillie.

*Occupation? Karma-sutra instructor.

*Position? Benchwarmer, ex-prop

*Former clubs? Salisbury, Walsall, Wolves Uni, RC Bassetts.

*Biggest rugby achievement to date? Winning the league.

*Favourite food? Lasagne

*Dream woman/man? Scott Prince’s Mum/Perry Jansen

*Which Maids teammate would you least like to be stuck in a lift with, and why? Lunch Money Lewis Jones- he has the body of a dinner lady and bad taste in music.

*What do you want to achieve this season? Finish the season without injury!

 

Maidenhead were all set to name the same side, which so impressively dispatched of Newbury 3 weeks ago, but in a cruel twist of fate, teenage winger, Scott Prince, in sparkling form this season, got injured on Tuesday night, ruling him out of the fixture. The whole squad really feels for a young lad, who has worked hard this year to get a starting spot, keep it, and score lots of tries, but ultimately has to miss the biggest game of the season. Scott, there will no doubt be many more big games for you in a Maidenhead shirt, for years to come.

 

To replace Prince, we welcome back Jaryd Robinson, who makes his first appearance of the season following shoulder surgery, after Kevin Young’s knee injury diagnosis. To be fair to Kevin, his prescribed treatment of the injury was more medically accurate than that of Ellie Birch and Sharlene Bertie, who suggested he needed a sleepover with them…

Will Cadden has spent 3 weeks trying to get himself a transfer to a new club, but after things were going so well at Marlow RFC for him last week, true to form, he had a beer and upset the whole town, meaning he remains in the 6 shirt. Russ Bolton will hope that Christoph Bart leaves ‘Pinks’ in time to warm up for the match, and Ellie’s friend Tamsin will be eagerly awaiting news of his arrival, for sure. After last weeks’ washout, Parrott, Keohane and Churchyard got a glimpse of life after rugby, being stuck at home with the WAGS, and have all committed to the club for another 10 years. In the hope of securing additional RFU funding for next season, Frankie Khakhumlan, post-op transgender Thai national, with various religious beliefs, Tinder fetishes and general special needs, has been picked, in order to put a big tick in the ‘diversity box’. Club sponsor Paul Childerhouse has paid a large donation to the club, to ensure Mark Childerhouse gets 80 minutes at 9 this week, and he has promised to repay the supporters with a post-match windmill in front of his mother.

 

No doubt, this is a huge game for players and supporters from both sides, but regardless of the result, let’s all hope that rugby is the real winner. Let’s ensure the game is played in the right way, and when that final whistle goes, we win or lose with humility and respect, shake hands, have a beer and wish each other well.

 

Old Pats:

 

  1. Saunders
  2. Dean (c)
  3. Thompson
  4. Stephens
  5. Evans
  6. Angell
  7. Langton
  8. Alldritt
  9. Aherne
  10. Offa
  11. Gahan
  12. Sharratt
  13. Harrod
  14. Spurrier
  15. Dean
  16. Hughes
  17. Downes
  18. Osaki

 

Maids:

 

  1. Parrott (c)
  2. N Jones
  3. L Jones
  4. Barratt
  5. Muil
  6. Cadden
  7. Macauley
  8. Long
  9. Childerhouse
  10. Jansen
  11. Robinson
  12. Hannigan
  13. Keohane
  14. Bart
  15. Finnie
  16. Britton
  17. Churchyard
  18. Khakhumlan

 

Come on you Maids!