Maids v Bournemouth (home)

Maids v Bournemouth (home)

Following a much-needed week off last Saturday, Maidenhead now embark on a run of 4 tough games in the lead up to Xmas, which sees them tackle Bournemouth, Bracknell, Weston Super Mare and Cleve. First up for the boys in magenta, is the visit of 3rd placed Bournemouth, who, after a nervy start, are one of the form sides in the division at the moment, and present the biggest threat yet, to Maids’ proud home record.

Head Coach Will Croker will be pleased with the progress of his experienced squad, with their target of a top 3 finish looking very achievable, and with 2 consecutive losses for Dings Crusaders, the gap to 2nd place now stands at just 5 points. The Lions, in their 125th year, are led by number 8 Joe Rees, one of many players in this Bournemouth side with significant 1st XV appearance records. Tight head prop Alan Manning, former skipper at Bournemouth for a decade actually played against Maids last time both sides were in this division, nearly 10 years ago. Any indiscipline from the home side in tomorrow’s fixture, will be duly punished by lethal goalkicker and fullback, Grant Hancox, whilst the half back pairing of Hardcastle and Davies at 9 and 10 respectively, is pivotal to how Lions play.

For Russ Bolton’s charges this week, there are wholesale changes, with returns from injury, players back from International duty and also David Cole, who felt 8am was too early for him to go to Newton Abbott, so opted for a lie in with his dogs. For this week’s preview, we caught up with young pervert, Scott Prince, to learn more about his weird little life…

*Name/nicknames- Prin, Prinney, Prinney Senior, Prin-Diesel, Rat, Dirty Dave, Flipper Boy.

*Position(s)- Wing

*Occupation- Currently working for my brother, learning how to con people out of money.

*Which Maids teammate would you least like to be stuck on a desert island with, and why? Nic Jones aka Pig Dick, because he’s really boring, and would just talk about his horrible Mrs all day. ‘orrible little thing.

* Which Maids teammate would you most like to be stuck on a desert island with, and why? She’s not a teammate, but I’d choose my fit Aunty.

*What’s your favourite TV Programme? Shameless- reminds me of my living with my Dad.

*What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? Spying on my fit Aunt and starting fights in the Rose.

*If you could be any animal, what would you be and why? Turtle- they always look monged, like me.

*What would you like to achieve this season, both personally, and as a team? Maintain my position in the team, and help finish in the top 6.

 

There is a welcome return to the 1st team this week for flanker Mike King, a real favourite of the local press, in particular, sports reporter Gary Copas. Mark and Andy Darlington (did you know they play for Netherlands?) are back in the squad after consecutive stag parties in Moldova and Switzerland, and William Cadden returns, after a couple of weeks rest, after being dumped by his new Mrs. At least he played it real cool, and didn’t cry…

Jaryd Robinson is back in the squad to face his old team, after exploratory (and unsuccessful) surgery, to try and widen the gap between his eyes, and Alex French will line up at number 12, where there are hopefully fewer opportunities for him to attempt studs-up, sliding tackles to cost us the game. Dom Birch will be greeting the Bournemouth supporters with some special Black Friday deals, where he’ll happily burn the food at no extra cost, and will keep the whole bar in complete darkness for the weekend. Jockstrap John, who has promised not to wash said Jockstrap until Maids lose at home will be running the line, and is available to both sides post-match for a beer-fuelled, monotonous rambling to give his ill-informed view of the game.

 

Maids team:

1.       M Parrott (c)

2.       M Darlington

3.       A Darlington

4.       L Leonard

5.       S Hallett

6.       W Cadden

7.       R Long

8.       D Cole

9.       M Childerhouse

10.   W Runciman

11.   J Robinson

12.   A French

13.   E Keohane

14.   S Prince

15.   P Jansen

16.   S Hyland

17.   M King

18.   S Angell

Bournemouth team:

1.       P Fraser

2.       F Wilford

3.       A Manning

4.       T Napier

5.       J Hennings

6.       D McDonald

7.       A Bennett

8.       J Rees (c)

9.       S Hardcastle

10.   A Davies

11.   D Stewart

12.   S Chislett

13.   D Kirkpatrick

14.   H Davis

15.   G Hancox

16.   L Firetto

17.   A Sutherland

18.   M Treloar

Come on you Maids!

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Maids v Newton Abbott (away)

Maids v Newton Abbott (away)

Maids remain in 5th position in the SW Premier table, following a 52-30 victory over Brixham at Braywick a week ago. Trailing 16-13 at the break, Maidenhead turned on the afterburners and blew the Fishermen away, in one of the best periods of rugby seen at Braywick this season. It’s a very different challenge that awaits them this Saturday though, as they make the daunting trip down to Devon, to face 2nd placed Newton Abbott, who have started the season in red hot form.

The Devon All Whites, led by hooker Dean Avery have just the solitary loss to their name this season, being beaten away at league leaders Dings Crusaders, who had an unblemished record until last week, when Camborne got the result of the round- their patched-up side winning 22-20. Maids will be hoping for something similar themselves, but know they face an uphill task at Rackerhayes. A familiar name in the Newton Abbott side is outside centre Matt Jess, who played for Premiership champions Exeter last season on the wing, and the Maids backline will have to do their best to contain him. Full back Avery-Wright is an accomplished kicker, so discipline will have to be good, whilst upfront, the Newton Abbott lineout catch and drive, orchestrated by Colin Stewart is another weapon in their armoury.

Plagued by injuries and unavailabilities this week, Maids travel to Devon with lots of new faces, all of whom come into the game after excelling in the 2nd XV this season, and very much deserve their place in this matchday squad. One of the absentees this week, David Cole, got caught in a chicken nugget coma and then couldn’t be bothered to take the time out of his unemployed day to answer a few questions, so we briefly caught up with Maidenhead skipper, Myke Parrott…

 

*Name/nicknames: Parrott, Paz, Paz Mans, Tubby Tom, Augustus Gloop, Dean Windass, Coke Can, Fat Milky Bar Kid, Winnie Pooh, Skips, Dom Birch Jnr.

 

*Position: Prop

 

*Occupation: Agony Aunt to the majority of our high maintenance, molly-coddled, sexually confused senior squad. Own a recruitment business.

 

*Which Maids teammate would you least like to be stuck on a desert island with? A few contenders, and in reality, I wouldn’t want to be stuck with any of them. Cadden’s chat would take a whole 3 minutes to drive me insane, Andy Darlo would just whinge that he was hungry, whilst Lewis Jones would ask annoying questions all day. However, although he is the nicest fella in the squad, I’d have to say Carole Smillie aka Will Runciman. He’s just too happy and smiley, and I know I wouldn’t be able to handle it.

 

*Which Maids teammate would you want to be stuck on a desert island with? Pumba Jones, although annoying, might be able to sniff out some truffles for us, but I’d need someone quiet, who wouldn’t bug me, so I’ll say Laurence Leonard. Fairly confident I could ‘turn’ him as well.

 

*What’s your favourite TV Programme? Love the Jeremy Kyle show, but Bailiffs has to be my favourite. The look on their miserable faces when the heroic bailiffs take everything just warms the cockles inside.

 

*What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? Currently plotting Dave Cole’s initiation, which is taking up a lot of time, but apart from that, trying to stop my 3 year old stealing things from Poundland, and calling her Mum a ‘bellend’. But if the cap fits? Smart kid…

 

*If you could choose; what animal would you be and why? I’m really into Mooses at the moment, after Will Cadden’s excellent impressions really endeared them to me, but I’d probably opt for a hippo, as due to their reputation for killing humans, they just get left alone to roll in mud all day- sounds perfect.

 

*What do you want to achieve this season, both personally, and as a team?  Would like Dom Birch to finally accept my Facebook friend request, and invite me for a sleepover. As a team, I want us just to have fun, be even tighter as a squad, enjoy our socials, and with that, results will come.

 

Nic Jones is absent this week, with his PGCE (Pig Genital Correction Enthroscopy), whilst fellow front row boys Andrew and Mark Darlington are representing the Netherlands against Moldova, for which we all wish them the very best of luck. Will Macaulay and Ryan Long have opted for a day at Nirvana spa together, whilst Tom King has his last Saturday of Community Service, taking William Cadden to the seaside to make sandcastles. Congratulations must go to Mike Andrew, awarded best fancy dress prize at the Halloween Party, for his strikingly accurate depiction of a paedophile- it’s hoped he’ll make the long trip to Newton Abbott, with fellow hooligan Ted Keohane for a scrap with the locals and a visit to the local strip club. Debutants Sam Angell and Jon Cranton are currently tied for award of worst chat, so vying for the ultimate prize of a journey home alongside Jockstrap John.

 

Maids team:

1.       M Parrott (c)

2.       L Jones

3.       S Hyland

4.       S Hallett

5.       J Lavin

6.       A McGregor

7.       L Leonard

8.       J Cranton

9.       M Childerhouse

10.   W Runciman

11.   R Lewis

12.   A French

13.   E Keohane

14.   S Prince

15.   P Jansen

16.   P Savage

17.   J Bough

18.   S Angell

Come on you Maids!

Maids v Brixham (home)

Maids v Brixham (home)

After 2 consecutive away fixtures, and a week off before that, Maids return to the Braywick Bowl, for the first time in a month, to tackle a resurgent, in-form Brixham. Following a tough start to the league campaign, ‘the Fishermen’ have bounced back to enter this game off the back of a 3 game winning streak, which includes an impressive 24-7 win away at Devon rivals, Ivybridge. Brixham’s upsurge in recent form has coincided with the return of talismanic Koree Britton, formerly of London Welsh and Chinnor, and he will line up at hooker, versus former Chinnor teammates, Andy and Mark Darlington at scrum time. Maids will have to improve upon their discipline from last week, as any errors will be punished by number 12 Tom Putt- a man who rarely misses shots at goals.

Maids come into this match, on the back of a thoroughly disappointing derby day loss at Newbury a week ago, but can have no complaints with the 39-15 score line, which the Blues deserved on the day. The normally free-scoring Maids back division were thwarted by a resolute, energetic defence, which, along with the superb place kicking of Ryan Trevaskis, sealed victory. Everyone at Maidenhead is very shocked to hear of the misfortune of Blues flanker Finn Walsh, who suffered a nasty stomach injury in the match, requiring a major operation this week, with a prolonged stay in Swindon hospital. We all wish Finn the very best in his recovery, and hope to see him back on the park sooner, rather than later.

This week, we managed to get 5 minutes with the mercurial, bronzed-beauty diva, Perry Jansen…

*Name/nicknames: Pezdog, Pel, Pezza, Timon, Jerry Pansen, Mowgli, Gypsy-boy.

 

*Position: 10/15

 

*Occupation: Insurance Broker / Andrew Darlington’s scrummaging coach / Team watchman (making sure everyone is okay, particularly Lunch Lady Lewis and his dodgy calves)

 

*Which Maids teammate would you least like to be stuck on a desert island with? This was a tricky one, there’s a few options… Mark Childerhouse due to his weird, constant self-pleasing habits, Jaryd Robinson, as he would insist we both look for his long lost chest for it never to be found. However, this would go to William Cadden, he’s a lovely bloke just so so SO weird.

 

*Which Maids teammate would you want to be stuck on a desert island with? Ed Keohane (despite not getting the best man call up at the wedding), he’s an expert snake handler, and feel confident Greens could send Dan Carter to come pick us up.

 

*What’s your favourite TV Programme? Undateables- love thinking about what Cadden would be like on this program, and also Duck Tales, watching Scrooge McDuck counting all his money, much like me.

 

*What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? I like prank calling James Emmanuel and Myke Parrott most Saturday mornings.

 

*If you could choose; what animal would you be and why? It would be good to be a fly on the wall following Ryan Long around, see what that slippery guy gets up to and who he has been texting. More to the point, I want to know if he ever smiles.

 

*What do you want to achieve this season, both personally, and as a team? Personally, lay off the Thursday lunch time boozing (hard when you know you’ve got a 1.5-hour session of ignoring what anyone says at training). As a team, secure a top 5 position in the league and manage a full 80 minute performance.

Sammy Angell is back in contention this week, and makes his return from injury in the 2s, after impressing Russ Bolton with his new bleep test PB of level 3, joining fit again Jack Hill in an exciting backline, away at Redingensians. Luckily, Head Coach Bolton lost the video of the Newbury game, so Dave Cole keeps his place in the back row, alongside Ryan Long, who moves in from 13. Myke Parrott has recovered from his over-indulgence whilst trick or treating with his kids, and starts in the front row, alongside Mark and Andy Darlington (who both play for Holland).  

 

Forwards coach Mark Bates is a doubt for the game after buying his first iphone, and discovering Tube 8, whilst Meeester Gaweth is absent, and under suspicion for the kidnap and imprisonment of Max Roddick, rumoured to be keeping Fwankie company under a patio somewhere.

 

Maids team:

 

1.       M Parrott (c)

2.       M Darlington

3.       A Darlington

4.       L Leonard

5.       S Hallett

6.       R Long

7.       W Macaulay

8.       D Cole

9.       M Childerhouse

10.   W Runciman

11.   S Prince

12.   A French

13.   E Keohane

14.   G Blewitt

15.   P Jansen

16.   S Hyland

17.   W Cadden

18.   J Robinson

 

Brixham team:

 

1.       J Richards

2.       K Britton

3.       D Conner

4.       N Riley

5.       S Sheriff

6.       J Watson

7.       J Lovell

8.       S Thomas

9.       N Nash

10.   M Worthington

11.   JP Simonetti

12.   T Putt

13.   T McLean

14.   C Bedwell

15.   T Goodman

16.   R Morris

17.   K Kane

18.   K Murphy

 

Come on you Maids!