Maids v Exeter Uni (home)

Maids v Exeter Uni (home)

Away from home, on grass, outside of Berkshire, we won a game! Not only did we win, but we won well, against a tough Drybrook side, who are certainly not in this league to make up the numbers. The feeling from inside the camp, is that this Maids side is different to that of previous years, and the mature performance at ‘The Mannings’ a week ago, to seal a 29-7 win is hopefully the start of much improved performances on the road this season.

This week, we face another unknown quantity, with the visit of Exeter University to Braywick, in what is believed to be the first meeting between the sides. The Students have had an admirable start to life in South West Premier, winning their opening two matches against Drybrook and Weston, before narrow losses against Exmouth and Ivybridge. We know little about our opposition this week, but match reports suggest they play for 80 mins, often ending games strongly, so the boys in magenta should be prepared for lots of running!

Talking of running, one man who does all he can to avoid any such exertion is the infamous David Cole, who managed to spare 10 minutes from his privileged unemployment to send back some half-arsed answers for this weeks’ player interview…

*Name – David Cole

*Nickname(s) – Coley, ‘The Slug’, ‘The Flake’, Flakey, Roger Dodger

*Position(s) – Backrow, but not 6 or 7.

*Strengths – Helping us keep our width, scoring hat-tricks, scrummaging, dodging work, sneaking home early.

*Weaknesses – Commitment, work, receiving headbutts, initiations, Rob’s warm ups. *It was at this point in the interview that Flakey declared he “didn’t have time” to do the rest, and needed a 3 hour break, before continuing.

*Occupation – Dog sitter

*If you could be any of your teammates, who would you be and why? I would most like to be Eric Blewitt- he never seems to know what’s happening, and is always happy and positive because of this, like a little special needs Labrador puppy.

*Which teammate would you least like to have round for dinner? Lawrence Leonard, despite having a ‘girlfriend’, he’d soon get tanked up and try to drag me to the Honeypot.

*What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? Slouching

*Tell us something we don’t know about you – I used to have a job.

*What are your aspirations for this season? To bulk up, get a reply from Big Don and get promoted.

 

Ed Keohane hasn’t argued with the coaches once this week, so keeps his place at inside centre, whilst ‘Cow Head’, Rorie Hannigan hasn’t been heard from since Sunday 2pm, when trying to instigate fights over Whatsapp. On the subject of Whatsapp, the “Slag’s Supper” group is in full force, with the WAGs dangerously close to organizing their next social, featuring 5pm puking, 6pm tears and 7pm break-ups. Club pervert, Mike Andrew is taking full advantage of Don Birch’s absence this week, with his eyes glued to the CCTV set up in the changing rooms, ably assisted by Jockstrap John who last week proclaimed that he has ‘killed a dog’ and once ‘knocked out a horse with one punch’.

 

Mark Childerhouse was due to be rested this week, but Daddy intervened and put a tab behind the bar for Boughy, so he keeps his place, while Lewis Jones retains his place in the squad, because nobody else has a speaker for the changing room. Welcome back to Alex French, who starts on the wing for the 2s this week- he’ll be desperate to get over that white line and bag a couple of scores and stake a claim for a 1st team spot next week.

 

Maids team (caps in brackets):

1.       M Parrott (c) (184)

2.       M Darlington (24)

3.       A Darlington (26)

4.       S Churchyard (78)

5.       R Long (122)

6.       T Muil (5)

7.       W Macaulay (38)

8.       D Cole (21)

9.       M Childerhouse (107)

10.   W Runciman (23)

11.   E Blewitt (16)

12.   E Keohane (108)

13.   N Crosley (3)

14.   M Roddick (15)

15.   O Foxley (2)

16.   L Jones (81)

17.   L Leonard (27)

18.   M Davies (26)

 

Come on you Maids!

 

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Maids v Drybrook (away)

Maids v Drybrook (away)

One thing that can never be said about watching Maids play at Braywick, is that supporters don’t get their money’s worth. In a game of 15 tries and 95 points last week, Maids used an early season get out of jail free card against a Cleve side who belied their lowly league position. Their backline in particular, seemed to relish the AGP, and after scoring three quick-fire tries at the beginning of the 2nd half, they had well and truly put their side in control. Fortunately, Maids, especially at home, don’t know when they are beaten. The pack turned the screw upfront, to bring them within 4 points of their opponents, and then with just a minute remaining, Dave Cole crashed over off the back of a scrum to seal the win, ably assisted by the magnificent boot of Ed Keohane, which succeeded in 7/7 attempts at goal.

This week, Maids are back on the road, travelling to the Forest of Dean, to take on league new boys Drybrook. After winning SW1 West last season, ahead of play off winners Exeter Uni, they’ve made an admirable start to life in the division, beating Exmouth at home, which has been sandwiched by away losses at Exeter Uni and Ivybridge respectively. Drybrook will know that home form is key to their survival in South West Prem this season, and will be targeting this week as an opportunity to get some points on the board. They are a young side, led by the impressive Ben Large, who recently won Rugby World’s Amateur Player of the Year- a fantastic accolade for the young Drybrook skipper, who is likely to play at 12 or 13 this week. At fly half, they have Tim Stevenson, who is an accomplished goal kicker, and he will no doubt be tasked with keeping the scoreboard ticking over for the home team.

Maidenhead will be delighted to welcome back some key players this week, Olly Foxley returns from severe sunburn incurred in the September sunshine, and Niall Crosley is back after concussion, after his Mrs belted him, for stealing her KFC. We caught up with one of the few players to emerge with credit from last week’s game, ‘The Cow’, Rorie Hannigan, to gather his thoughts…

*Name; Rorie Hannigan

*Nickname(s); Cow, Cow Head, The Cow, Rodman, Rodman Hangoon, Resh, Rozza, The Wanderer.

*Position(s); 12

*Strengths; Thick skull for head butting, laugh volume, fish hooking, 2am videos, mooing.

*Weaknesses; run like a dressage horse, pace, mobile phones, coming home on time.

*Occupation; Grass Muncher/Cow Patter/Head of Systems

*If you could be any of your teammates, who would you be and why? It would be amazing to be Big Gay Bez, after seeing his Spider Pig on the way back from Camborne. If I could that, you wouldn’t be able to stop me- I’d be Spider Pig at work, at home, rugby, everywhere.

*Which teammate would you least like to have round for dinner? Kingy, he’s got an addiction to strangling people, though I might do that to myself if he starts spouting his liberal, left-wing, hippy crap.

*What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? I thoroughly enjoy laying thick cow pats and filling my car up with petrol and asking someone else to pay for it.

*Tell us something we don’t know about you- I once did a poo in Davina McCall’s shoe.

*What are your aspirations for this season? Stay injury free throughout the season, assist the team in getting those vital away wins which will help us build on last year and knock Kingy out.

 

Dave Cole is touch and go to be ready by kick off, after Russ Bolton sent him for a run around the posts for telling a Cranton joke, whilst Don Birch has agreed to let Lewis Jones play, after he kindly offered to pay his subs in £1 weekly installments, to be finally settled in 2021. It’s a warm welcome back to Ryan Long this week, who delayed his comeback from injury last Saturday, so he could be at the club’s Ladies’ Day, whilst Will Macaulay is another returnee, and he will be starting at openside flanker, now the Bowls season is finished.

Moroccan Martin will be tasked with navigating the bus, and has sensibly set aside 4 hours for the 90 minute journey, but in the best interests of his sanity, has instructed Boughy to refrain from drinking Stella until post 11am. Sam Hallett is delighted to be out injured, which means he can focus on shoplifting for the next few Saturdays, whilst Tom King is now able to concentrate on his primary hobby, hooliganism again, under the tutelage of Ted Keohane. Alex French has food poisoning, from a dodgy baguette, but should be bag in the mix next week.

 

Maids team (caps in brackets):

 

1.       M Parrott (c) (183)

2.       M Darlington (23)

3.       A Darlington (25)

4.       A Berry (4)

5.       S Churchyard (77)

6.       T Muil (4)

7.       W Macaulay (37)

8.       D Cole (20)

9.       M Childerhouse (106)

10.   W Runciman (22)

11.   E Blewitt (15)

12.   E Keohane (107)

13.   N Crosley (2)

14.   M Roddick (14)

15.   O Foxley (1)

16.   L Jones (80)

17.   R Long (121)

18.   R Hannigan (29)

 

Come on you Maids!

 

Maids v Cleve (home)

Maids v Cleve (home)

It’s back to home comforts this week for Maids, who returned from Cornwall last week, desperately disappointed at coming away with just a losing bonus point, which the whole squad feel was much less than they deserved. An awkward bounce of the ball away from clinching the game at the death was tough to take, but in truth, Maids should have been have been home and dry by that point. However, credit must go to a determined home side, who came flying out of the blocks after half time, and undid Maids with a superb 15 minute spell at the start of the 2nd period. We wish Camborne well for the rest of the season, they are superb hosts, and we look forward to welcoming them to Braywick in December.

 

Returning to Braywick this week, for the visit of Cleve, Maids are bolstered by a few returnees from unavailability and injury, so will be full of confidence against a side who have lost their opening two games. There are various new names in the Cleve team this year, including former Championship hooker, Dean Brooker, who has represented both Cornish Pirates and Plymouth Albion previously. The Bristol-based side are missing influential skipper, Mike Uren, and also Navy fly half, Nathan Huntley, but 2nd row James Fahey does play, and he will captain the side in Uren’s absence.

 

For the boys in magenta, it’s been a good week of training, and in an extremely exciting development, for the first time in the club’s history, and what we believe to be a unique set up, the club will field two 2nd XVs, as well as the 1st XV. The ‘Brooks XV’, fielded primarily with Maids youngsters and ex-Colts will travel to Newbury, to play their 2nd XV, whilst the ‘Penguins XV’ travel to Camberley for their fixture. Whilst many clubs are lessening their commitment to 2nd XV rugby, and struggling to field sides, we are immensely proud that we are increasing our commitment and offering more players quality playing opportunities.

 

In the 1s this week, we welcome back Dave Cole, Mike Davies and Ed Keohane, whilst Kieran Grey reverts to the bench, with Mark Childerhouse assuming his normal position of scrum half. The front 3 of Parrott and the Darlington brothers stays the same, whilst Berry switches to the 2nd row, to partner Sam Hallett, who is delighted to be the feature of this week’s interview…

 

*Name – Sam Hallett

*Nickname(s) – Sally Helmet, Sally, Schem, Karol Poborsky.

*Position(s) – Bit of a utility forward actually and extremely versatile, being able to play at both 4 and 5.

*Strengths – “Riding on Sally” on the bus, thieving, breaking roofs, goose-stepping, pony tails, getting banned from coach companies, and performing a mean rendition of “A Whole New World” by Aladdin.

*Weaknesses – New drug habit, shoe shopping, pace, Bad Boys, and I’ve got a face like a bag of spanners.

*Occupation – My main earner is Stag Do’s, I offer ‘a night out with Karol Poborsky’, where I’m usually chained to a Chelsea fan and spat at. That and robbing.

*If you could be any of your teammates, who would you be and why? Laurence Leonard for sure, he has that whole ‘is he, isn’t he?’ thing going on, which really works for him, and I love IRA pikeys.

*Which teammate would you least like to have round for dinner? I’d have to say Dave Cole. Lovely chap, but he’d arrive late, wouldn’t bring a bottle, would eat the majority of the offerings, and then slope off before the washing up commences.

*What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? As mentioned earlier, I love pikeys, so when I get the chance, I put on my big thieving coat, and go down to Tesco to see what’s on offer.

*Tell us something we don’t know about you – I once had a game of chess with Stephen Fry.

*What are your aspirations for this season? I’d like to try and out Coley from he club- grabbing too many headlines in the Advertiser that lad.

 

With Russ Bolton opting to travel with the Penguins to Camberley this week, Zoran Higgins will lead the 1st XV tomorrow, and fortunately started his half time team talk last night, so should be finished just in time for the 2nd period. Coach driver from last week, Moroccan Martin had such a good time on the lash with Umar Marriott after the game last week, that he’ll be attending Ladies’ Day at the club, along with new squeeze, ‘Kenyan Kim’. Scott Prince misses out, after injuring his shoulder, jumping into the Thames to rescue younger brother Drew, who celebrated his 18th this week by running into local restaurants slapping bar staff and bouncers, before jumping off Maidenhead Bridge. Jon Cranton will be subject to a late fitness test, with suspected ‘Turnip Cheek’, suffered on the bus last week, whilst the alleged assailant, Tom King has already earmarked the bush he’ll be stashing his phone, wallet, keys, kit bag, life savings and family jewellery in, this weekend.

 

Luckily, Max Roddick has recovered from ‘internal’ injuries, sustained after sharing a room with Sambo Churchyard last week, and the perfectly gorgeous little poppet, will start on the wing, with Mikey Davies back in in at full back after finishing 3rd in the kite-flying competition he took part in last Saturday, instead of playing rugby.

 

Cleve team:

 

  1. L Appleton
    2. D Brooker
    3. P Vinicombe
    4. J Fahey (c)
    5. T Jerrum
    6. C McCann
    7. H Johnson
    8. H Croghan
    9. J Mortimore
    10. L Kirk
    11. M Baker
    12. H Owens
    13. B Kislingbury
    14. P Tucker
    15. J Hall

    16. J Rye
    17. L Bartlett
    18. M Limmer

Maids team, caps in brackets:

  1. M Parrott (c) (182)
  2. M Darlington (22
  3. A Darlington (24)
  4. S Hallett (27)
  5. A Berry (3)
  6. T Muil (3)
  7. T King (14)
  8. D Cole (19)
  9. M Childerhouse (105)
  10. A Lubbock (5)
  11. E Blewitt (14)
  12. R Hannigan (28)
  13. E Keohane (106)
  14. M Roddick (14)
  15. M Davies (25)
  16. S Churchyard (76)
  17. L Leonard (26)
  18. K Grey (2)

Come on you Maids!

Maids v Camborne (away)

Maids v Camborne (away)

As with last season, Maids begin their travels, with the furthest one of the year, making the long trek down to the South West, to face the Cherry and Whites, Camborne. In the opening fixture of SW Premier last campaign, Camborne streaked ahead in the 2nd half, to lead by 17 points, which was nearly overturned in a valiant last quarter for the lads, but alas they come up just short, losing out 30-27.

Star of the show that day, was no doubt fly half Dave Mankee, who put on a kicking masterclass and put his side in key positions that day, and Camborne will no doubt be looking to him to control proceedings for them this week. Outside of him, centres Jake Champion and Declan Matthews will both be a threat, whilst Jon Drew upfront at tight head will lead the team as skipper.

Although happy with a bonus point win, Maids will be disappointed at conceding 28 points to Brixham, in a game in which they dominated, and in all honesty, never really looked like not winning. As is the case with most teams at this level, when chances came their way, they took them, and got points on the board.

Despite having all summer to plan their diaries, various members of the squad are unavailable this week, and coupled with some fresh injuries, there is a much-changed line up which will don the magenta shirts for this fixture. Moving up from the 2nd row, to take his place at number 8 this week, to replace Dave ‘The Flake’ Cole, is the one and only, Big Gay Bez, Andy Berry, who we spoke to this week, in an attempt to learn a little more about the mysterious red-headed sleep-enthusiast.

*Name – Andy Berry

*Nickname(s) – Bez, Bezza, Big Gay Bez, BGB, Dale, Winnie.

*Position(s) – Hybrid 5/6/8/12

*Strengths – Sleep, weight loss, jigsaw puzzles, prank phone calls to Dom.

*Weaknesses – Beer, hair colour, complexion, sunlight.

*Occupation – Sales Manager

*If you could be any of your teammates, who would you be and why? Foxley, he makes rugby look easy, and he seems to have integrated into the squad with far greater ease than I have. Maybe I’ve picked up some of Eric’s weird social habits.

*Which teammate would you least like to have round for dinner? I’d go for my inferior ginger colleague, Niall Crosley- I’ve already got sore knees from carrying him and the rest of the backs last weekend.

*What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? Golf, canoeing, playing with the Darlos, constructing model aeroplanes and trolling Myke Parrott in Whatsapp groups.

*Tell us something we don’t know about you – I passed my motorbike test this week, which means I can soon travel to and from training without listening to Andy Darlo moan about lineouts.

*What are your aspirations for this season? Maintain best ginger centre at the club status, win some silverware and avoid being seated next to Jockstrap John on the coach.

 

Unfortunately, after various driving and drugs offences, last season’s coach driver, Somalian Sam has been deported, to be replaced by Moroccan Martin, who will also double up as the club’s emergency physio, for when Mandingo Ali doesn’t bother getting out of bed. Luckily, Sam Churchyard and his weird hiking crew have raised enough cash to pay for his shoes and driving license. Eric Blewitt is a doubt for the game, having suffered a panic attack at the thought of having to socialize for 6 hours on the coach back, whilst Will Runciman is away for the weekend, with Alex French shopping for a new bag. Lawrence Leonard will be the sole squad member not wearing the new stash, after selling it to help settle his bill from the Honeypot last week, but still owes Chief Pimp, Umar Marriott £2k for his ‘upstairs activity’ with Tom King.

Maids team (caps in brackets)

 

1.       M Parrott (c) (181)

2.       M Darlington (21)

3.       A Darlington (23)

4.       S Hallett (26)

5.       L Leonard (25)

6.       T Muil (2)

7.       T King (13)

8.       A Berry (2)

9.       K Grey (debut)

10.   A Lubbock (4)

11.   M Childerhouse (104)

12.   R Hannigan (27)

13.   E Blewitt (13)

14.   S Prince (37)

15.   M Roddick (13)

16.   U Marriott (6)

17.   S Churchyard (75)

18.   J Cranton (5)

 

Come on you Maids!