Maids v Camborne (home)

Maids v Camborne (home)

Onto the last game of a topsy-turvy 2018, and after a bruising derby last week, which saw Bracknell take the spoils, Russ Bolton’s patched-up team welcome the Cherry and Whites, who travel all the way from West Cornwall for this week’s fixture.

Games between the two sides are usually close, and with approximately 270 miles between the clubs, it’s no surprise that the results have been going with the home sides. Maids were unlucky to lose out at Camborne earlier in the season, being edged out 23-20, which really could have gone either way.

Upfront, Camborne bring a big, physical pack. Damien Cook in the 2nd row has been a key man for Camborne and Cornwall for several years now, and Jon Drew and Andrius Zacharovas at tighthead and loosehead respectively are strong scrummagers and will test the home side’s set piece. Tony Whittle at 6 was a thorn in the Maids’ lineout earlier this season, and he’ll be tasked with providing good ball for a very strong catch and drive game from the visitors. Out wide, Declan Matthews in the centre will be a threat, but it’s Alex Ducker that will need closest attention. The former Redruth and Hartpury College flyer scored 4 last week, to add to his already impressive season tally, and he will surely relish the quick surface that the pitch at Braywick provides.

Owing to the close proximity of Xmas, there is a special treat in this week’s match preview, as we managed to convince the legend, the one and only ‘Big Ron’ to divulge a few details about his unique viewpoints in between his naps and constant holidays…

Name – Dominic.

 

Nickname(s)- Nothing. Just Dominic. Not f*****g ‘Ron’, or ‘Don’ or ‘Ronald McDomald’ or ‘Donamick’, or any of the other goon nicknames, just Dominic.

 

Position – Goon Hunter. Eliminating goons and idiots from within the club. Concentrating especially on Eman, followed closely by Piers Morgan – Chief Goon. And Forwards Coach, Zoltan, or whatever his s*** bloody name is.

 

Strengths – Bar closing, facilities locking up, driving customers away, banning customers, ostracising players, irrational tantrums, burning lost property, till-skimming.

 

Weaknesses – Happiness, smiling, serving at the bar, providing after-training and after-match meals to the Goon Squad.

 

Occupation – Chief Executive Operating Officer for Berks

 

If you could be any of your teammates, who would you be and why? – One of the part-timers; Foxley or Perry; more holidays than Michael Palin!

 

Which teammate would you least like to have round for dinner?  Coley He’s just full of s**t and actually thinks he’s funny. Or Lubbock; he’s a right skinny little git but he’d eat me out of house and home. Definitely don’t want Lawrence round, I reckon he’s actually a proper Pikey and I think he’d rob all the radiators off the walls, plus you wouldn’t understand a word of his tinker-talk? Actually nah, it would have to be Goonwood- he’d have a selfie or Insta from every room in my gaffe.

 

What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? Ted-baiting. Although to be fair last two occasions have been dodgy. Irish v All Blacks he threatened me with a bottle to keep bar open and sank 20 pints of Guinness and with the win on final whistle he offered out the whole of the 2nd’s who were watching. Then he forced me to drive him and four “young un’s” into town for a dust up. And last week he held me hostage and kept the bar open so Ed could sing his normal s***e; when we ran out of Guinness he threatened to “run me through” and then Jo got involved sending me of to buy Spiced Rum before she nutted me. Proper s**t myself on that one.

Tell us something we don’t know about you- was genuinely arrested once for trying to withdraw money from my bank- they tried to steal it off me.

What are your aspirations for this season? Get rid of Frenchie, he’s a wrong ‘un and I just don’t like him. Stand against Teresa May for Maidenhead, and help get Maids on a par with Reading RFC, down in Southern Counties.

The whole squad would like to send their heartfelt well-wishes to an absolute legend at Maids RFC, Dicky Brown, who is having a rough time in hospital at the moment. We are all thinking of you Dicky, and also Pat, in this difficult time. Keep fighting the good fight, and we look forward to seeing you back down Braywick soon.

 

Camborne team:

1.       Zacharovas

2.       Southworth

3.       Drew (c)

4.       Cook

5.       Stanlieck

6.       Whittle

7.       Nicholls

8.       Rose

9.       Bawden

10.   McAtee

11.   Ducker

12.   Semmens

13.   Matthews

14.   Thomas

15.   Long

16.   Hearn

17.   Hinchley

18.   Chapple

 

Maids team (caps in brackets)

1.       S Rawsthorne (4)

2.       M Darlington (30)

3.       A Darlington (30)

4.       S Churchyard (86)

5.       L Leonard (34)

6.       R Long (128)

7.       W Macaulay (45)

8.       D Cole (30)

9.       C Morgan (9)

10.   W Runciman (28)

11.   A Lubbock (13)

12.   C Broughton (1)

13.   N Crosley (12)

14.   D Baptista (4)

15.   M Roddick (19)

16.   E Mandozzi (5)

17.   T Muil (12)

18.   L Ellis (11)

Come on you Maids!

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Maids v Bracknell (away)

Maids v Bracknell (away)

This round of fixtures takes us to the halfway mark of the 2018/19 season, and what better way to finish the first half of the campaign, than with a big derby against our Berkshire rivals, Bracknell. Despite Maids’ outstanding victory against Bournemouth, ending their impressive 11-game unbeaten streak last Saturday, they will be cautious of a dangerous Bracknell team, who have just the solitary loss on home soil so far this season, when Bournemouth prevailed 13-3.

Bracknell will be led out at Lily Hill by hooker Michael Clarke, who will be hoping for a repeat of his fine personal performances in the derby fixtures last season, and he’ll be joined in the front row by new recruit, Elliot Bellman, and also former Bath and Ospreys prop, Ken Dowding. Youngster, and former Welly boy, Thomas Spencer-Jones has impressed from openside so far this season, and he’ll be hoping to get the nod to start in the back row, whilst in the backline, it’s another youngster, Vic Hardwicke, who will be charged with running the game from fly half. Cam McDonald at wing or centre has plenty of tries already this season, so will be one to watch out for, and the Maids midfield will have to try and keep Kiwi centre Jason Henry quiet- he’s a big carrier for the home team, and could prove pivotal in wet conditions.

For Russ Bolton’s men, there are welcome returns to the squad for Mikey Davies and sexy Max Roddick, with Ryan Long replacing Laurence Leonard in the 6 shirt, and Leonard reverting to the bench. Stepping into the number 10 shirt this week is the sober, oddball eccentric, Adam Lubbock, who took time out from getting roasted by the sandpit crew, to answer a few questions.

Name: Adam Lubbock

 

Nickname(s) – “Lubbsie”, “Lubbs”, “Mr Lubba Lubba”, “The Snake Charmer”, “Ads”, “ADHD Adam”.

 

Position(s) – Fly half/centre/Will Runciman’s understudy

 

Strengths – Getting ill the day before big games when we have no other backs, missing tackles, right hand passing, snake charming, keeping the bench warm, Instagram.

 

Weaknesses – Tackling, left hand passing, starting games, putting on weight, Whatsapp arguments with Elio and Myles.

 

Occupation – PT/MILF Tamer

 

If you could be any of your teammates, who would you be and why? I’d be Owen Langstone or Levi Meek, they don’t get picked on by Myles or Elio like I do.

 

Which teammate would you least like to have over for dinner? Has to be ‘Chavvy Chase’ aka Ceri Morgan, I literally don’t understand a word he says, and he’d nick my telly if I popped to the loo.

 

What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? I play naked piano for old people, for whom I have an unnatural fetish.

 

Tell us something we don’t know about you – I didn’t play against Barnstaple, because I needed to be at my computer to register for Robbie Williams tickets.

 

What aspirations do you have for this season? – start 2 games in a row, nick that playoff spot and find out Big Ron’s favorite colour.

 

To the delight of everyone, Will Cadden has been formally banned from the club for the foreseeable future for consistent ‘piking’ of drinks, crisps and anything else he can get his hands on, but luckily his fwends at Wichmond can take the mantle and put up with the nause moving forward. Perry Jansen is off ‘doing a Foxley’ this weekend, so is unavailable, but it is hoped that Todd Muil and Myke Parrott can overcome their recent serious injuries- a cut ear and dead arm respectively. Niall Crosley, buoyed by his first ever line break last week continues at centre, and is partnered by new signing Dylan ‘Denzel’ Baptista, who has swiftly been added to “Ellie’s list”. Big Ted Keohane will be looking to return to the scene of the crime last year, and has vowed to “find the little ***** who nicked my Guinness”, before later venturing into town with some underage drinkers for a fight with the bouncers at the Bear.

Big Ron has struggled to shift the fire logs he is giving away for free, so if anyone would like some high quality, locally-sourced firewood, please give him a call urgently, on 07715 965534. He usually picks up on the 3rd or 4th call, so if you don’t get through, please keep trying.

 

Maids team (caps in brackets)

1.       M Parrott (c) (192)

2.       M Darlington (30)

3.       A Darlington (29)

4.       S Churchyard (85)

5.       A Berry (11)

6.       R Long (127)

7.       W Macaulay (44)

8.       D Cole (29)

9.       C Morgan (8)

10.   A Lubbock (12)

11.   S Prince (42)

12.   D Baptista (3)

13.   N Crosley (11)

14.   M Davies (29)

15.   M Roddick (18)

16.   L Jones (89)

17.   L Leonard (33)

18.   T Muil (11)

 

Come on you Maids!