Maids v Newbury (home)

Maids v Newbury (home)

After a much-welcomed week off for the 1st XV last round, the boys are back in action, and back at Braywick, as newly-promoted Newbury Blues, make the relatively short jaunt across Berkshire. Registering just a solitary victory so far this campaign, the Blues will be desperately hoping to get their season back on track, after a disappointing 28-16 home loss to bottom team, Launceston last Saturday.

Toby Holland at outside centre is one of various changes in the Blues side this week, and is part of an exciting backline, that also features the returning Jamie Futcher on the wing, replacing James Lewis, who drops to the bench. Dan Thorne skippers the side from number 12, and it’s his left peg which has been the source of so many points for the visitors already this term.

Upfront, the influential Kyle Doel misses out, so Josh Winfield moves from the back row to lock, and Jack Walsh takes his place at blindside, with the other change at hooker, which sees experienced Robbie Drysdale start alongside Hicks and Macaulay.

It is a much-changed Maidenhead team that run out this week, after the nail-biting victory at Launceston, and one lad making his first start in over a year, after injury, is former Maids Colt, Jack Hill. The hippie-bashing, right-winged, bin bag enthusiast has enjoyed a busy week, beating up Extinction Rebellion activists with his Dad, but he had a quick break this morning, so answered a few questions for us…


Name- Jack Hill

Nicknames- “Hilly”, “2 pill Hill”, “ Amber Hill’s brother”, “Tommy Robinson”.

Occupation- Bin bag Social Secretary, and currently trying to defraud people into buying holidays off me. Amber Hill’s brother.

Position- 9. Mrs is a 10.

Biggest rugby achievement to date- playing 3 consecutive games of rugby, having a run out at Twickenham with Berkshire under 20s.

Favourite food- anything British- fry ups, sausage and mash, pie and chips. Nothing foreign.

Dream Woman/Man- Tommy Robinson or Nigel Farage.

Which Maids teammate would you least like to be stuck in a lift with and why? Simsim and Laurence Leonard. The sooner Boris the Great gets this Brexit deal done, the better. Sick of these Jolly Foreigners coming over here and complaining about me and my Dad’s racist football chants at midnight on a Monday.

What do you want to achieve this season? Try to stay injury free, and avoid any other players nicking my girlfriend.


Dave ‘Calories’ Cole, who picked up Man of the Match against Launceston, after a fabulous display of walking rugby, keeps his place, and will have Ross Muil and Will Macaulay doing his running for him this week, after they both missed the last fixture, through mild heartilage strains. Olly Foxley is back starting at full back, after impressing Head Coach, Mobbs at the Maidenhead Festival last weekend, where he starred for the under 8s, and Eric Blewitt returns from Polish International duty to start on the wing.

Andy Berry was delighted to be back in training on Tuesday, after struggling to find anything to whinge about, with no game last Saturday, and he’ll pack down in the 2nd row with Sam Churchyard, who has managed to get his picture on the front of the programme after emailing Boughy and Gareth directly, and going over Geoff Cowen’s head…

Laurence ‘Bin Juice’ Leonard, continues to fleece his local club in Ireland, and for some reason they still pay for him to fly back every weekend. At least he doesn’t have a girlfriend to worry about now, after his recent squeeze Kerrie, not only ditched him, but then deleted all evidence of ever even knowing him (check out her Instagram). In the kitchen, Big Dom Birch will be hoping his latest new recruit, ‘Chef Gary’, lasts longer than Spicy Roger, who still maintains medium rare is the best way to serve fried pork chops.

We extend a warm welcome back to Mark Darlington, who makes his long-awaited return from injury, starting at hooker, and would like to say a massive congratulations to Sam Churchyard, who earns his 100th 1st XV cap. Well done Churchy, here’s to many more!

“100 caps- congratulations Churchy”

Maids team (caps in brackets)

  1. M Parrott (c) (204)
  2. M Darlington (37)
  3. E Mandozzi (17)
  4. S Churchyard (100)
  5. A Berry (28)
  6. R Muil (38)
  7. W Macaulay (57)
  8. D Cole (47)
  9. J Hill (31)
  10. W Runciman (44)
  11. S Prince (57)
  12. E Keohane (118)
  13. B Mitchell (3)
  14. G Blewitt (21)
  15. O Foxley (18)
  16. D Hostetler (6)
  17. S Hallett (33)
  18. N Crossley (28)


Newbury team:

  1. B Hicks
  2. R Drysdale
  3. J Macaulay
  4. A Neal
  5. J Winfield
  6. J Walsh
  7. D Stewart
  8. A Millar
  9. T Hunt
  10. A Bancroft
  11. J Futcher
  12. D Thorne
  13. T Holland
  14. H North
  15. T Thorne
  16. G Robinson-Slater
  17. C Bird
  18. J Lewis


Come on you Maids!

Maidenhead v Launceston (away)

Maidenhead v Launceston (away)

It’s another long trip down to the South West for Maids this week, as they travel to newly-promoted Launceston, who earned their place in South West Premier, by way of a play-off win against Old Centralians last term. It’s been a tough start to life back at level 5 for the Cornishmen, who have been on the wrong side of three consecutive heavy losses already, but fresh from a week off, and back at home, playing in front of the Polson Bridge faithful, the Cornish All Blacks will be hopeful of securing their first win.

Player Coach, Ryan Westren has plenty of Championship experience, from time with London Scottish and Cornish Pirates, and the ball-carrying centre will be one to watch for the All Blacks this weekend. There is a first start of the season for full back, Tom Sandercock, who scored a midweek hat trick for the 2nd team, but last year’s player of the season, Reuben Edwards misses out. Upfront, Dan Goldsmith is a former Cornwall under 20s lock, and skipper Lloyd Duke, at openside, brings plenty of experience to the team

Maids know they will have to be much improved from last week, after a dismal, disappointing performance, saw visiting Ivybridge take the spoils, 36-33, of which the less is said the better…

Due to a variety of reasons, there are multiple changes in the Maidenhead squad this week, which gives an opportunity for other squad members to step up, some of whom are returning from injury, and some of who are making welcome returns after periods of absence.

One man making his first appearance for the 1s this season, after returning from injury and impressing for the 2s last week, is Mark Grimshaw, who starts in the number 7 jersey- he kindly agreed to be the feature of this week’s match preview, giving a half-arsed, Dave Cole-esque attempt at answering some questions for us.


Name- Mark Grimshaw

Nickname(s)- Grimmy, Grim Dog, Grim Reaper, Grim Shady.

Occupation- Minority Shareholder, and Non-Exec Director of Sandpit Trading Limited.

Position- Flanker

Former clubs- Tonbridge Juddians, University of Surrey

Biggest rugby achievement to date- Playing at Twickenham in the School’s Cup Final.

Favourite food- Big Dom’s microwave enchiladas.

Dream woman/man- Sally Helmet, when she lets her hair down on the bus and wears nothing but a bin bag.

Which Maids teammate would you least like to be stuck in a lift with and why? Leroy Meek- sick of hearing about his ‘stats’, and the time that Zoran said he played ‘alright’ for someone who is usually crap.

What do you want to achieve this season? Stay injury free for the rest of the season and stop Parrott from flossing with my towel after training.


There is a warm welcome back to the squad for Jack Hill, who has been out of action since the vicious mop attack from Will Crantadden 18 months ago, and he is joined on the bench by another returnee, Andy Darlington, aka Shandy Lazington, who makes his timely return to the squad, just before he goes off on Netherlands duty again, before then ducking training until after bulking season at Xmas. Young tighthead, Elio Mandozzi keeps his starting berth, after impressing against Ivybridge, and the former Maids Colt has been promised an extended play date on the beach, on the way home from Launceston, should Maids record a victory.

After a spate of cow pats were found on car bonnets at the club this week, Rorie ‘Cow Head’ Hannigan has been summoned to yet another club disciplinary, with Geoff Cowen eagerly awaiting more incriminating Facebook photos of him playing for other clubs, so he can ban him permanently this time, whilst Sandpit CEO Levi Meek is in hot water himself this week, after Deputy Manager Owen Langstone caught him trying to read a book. Rumours of discontent continue to grow, as Myles Williams’ divvy brother Max, has returned to the club, in an attempt to remove Meek from power, and take the much-coveted, ‘golden bucket’.


Maids team (caps in brackets):

  1. M Parrott (c) (203)
  2. D Hostetler (5)
  3. E Mandozzi (16)
  4. C Campbell (4)
  5. S Churchyard (99)
  6. A Berry (27)
  7. M Grimshaw (9)
  8. D Cole (46)
  9. J Parkin (5)
  10. D Jones (debut)
  11. S Prince (56)
  12. E Keohane (118)
  13. B Mitchell (2)
  14. N Crossley (27)
  15. W Cowan-Dickie (3)
  16. A Darlington (41)
  17. S Hallett (32)
  18. J Hill (30)


Launceston team:

  1. R Bentham
  2. L Bulut
  3. G Thomas
  4. D Goldsmith
  5. T Clarke
  6. H Lightfoot
  7. L Duke
  8. B Rowley
  9. D Mulberry
  10. G Coles
  11. M Kneebone
  12. R Westren
  13. S Crawford
  14. L Ogilvie
  15. T Sandercock
  16. R Cinnamond
  17. R Carpenter
  18. A Lang


Come on you Maids!