Maids v Newton Abbott (away)

Maids v Newton Abbott (away)

Maids remain in 5th position in the SW Premier table, following a 52-30 victory over Brixham at Braywick a week ago. Trailing 16-13 at the break, Maidenhead turned on the afterburners and blew the Fishermen away, in one of the best periods of rugby seen at Braywick this season. It’s a very different challenge that awaits them this Saturday though, as they make the daunting trip down to Devon, to face 2nd placed Newton Abbott, who have started the season in red hot form.

The Devon All Whites, led by hooker Dean Avery have just the solitary loss to their name this season, being beaten away at league leaders Dings Crusaders, who had an unblemished record until last week, when Camborne got the result of the round- their patched-up side winning 22-20. Maids will be hoping for something similar themselves, but know they face an uphill task at Rackerhayes. A familiar name in the Newton Abbott side is outside centre Matt Jess, who played for Premiership champions Exeter last season on the wing, and the Maids backline will have to do their best to contain him. Full back Avery-Wright is an accomplished kicker, so discipline will have to be good, whilst upfront, the Newton Abbott lineout catch and drive, orchestrated by Colin Stewart is another weapon in their armoury.

Plagued by injuries and unavailabilities this week, Maids travel to Devon with lots of new faces, all of whom come into the game after excelling in the 2nd XV this season, and very much deserve their place in this matchday squad. One of the absentees this week, David Cole, got caught in a chicken nugget coma and then couldn’t be bothered to take the time out of his unemployed day to answer a few questions, so we briefly caught up with Maidenhead skipper, Myke Parrott…

 

*Name/nicknames: Parrott, Paz, Paz Mans, Tubby Tom, Augustus Gloop, Dean Windass, Coke Can, Fat Milky Bar Kid, Winnie Pooh, Skips, Dom Birch Jnr.

 

*Position: Prop

 

*Occupation: Agony Aunt to the majority of our high maintenance, molly-coddled, sexually confused senior squad. Own a recruitment business.

 

*Which Maids teammate would you least like to be stuck on a desert island with? A few contenders, and in reality, I wouldn’t want to be stuck with any of them. Cadden’s chat would take a whole 3 minutes to drive me insane, Andy Darlo would just whinge that he was hungry, whilst Lewis Jones would ask annoying questions all day. However, although he is the nicest fella in the squad, I’d have to say Carole Smillie aka Will Runciman. He’s just too happy and smiley, and I know I wouldn’t be able to handle it.

 

*Which Maids teammate would you want to be stuck on a desert island with? Pumba Jones, although annoying, might be able to sniff out some truffles for us, but I’d need someone quiet, who wouldn’t bug me, so I’ll say Laurence Leonard. Fairly confident I could ‘turn’ him as well.

 

*What’s your favourite TV Programme? Love the Jeremy Kyle show, but Bailiffs has to be my favourite. The look on their miserable faces when the heroic bailiffs take everything just warms the cockles inside.

 

*What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? Currently plotting Dave Cole’s initiation, which is taking up a lot of time, but apart from that, trying to stop my 3 year old stealing things from Poundland, and calling her Mum a ‘bellend’. But if the cap fits? Smart kid…

 

*If you could choose; what animal would you be and why? I’m really into Mooses at the moment, after Will Cadden’s excellent impressions really endeared them to me, but I’d probably opt for a hippo, as due to their reputation for killing humans, they just get left alone to roll in mud all day- sounds perfect.

 

*What do you want to achieve this season, both personally, and as a team?  Would like Dom Birch to finally accept my Facebook friend request, and invite me for a sleepover. As a team, I want us just to have fun, be even tighter as a squad, enjoy our socials, and with that, results will come.

 

Nic Jones is absent this week, with his PGCE (Pig Genital Correction Enthroscopy), whilst fellow front row boys Andrew and Mark Darlington are representing the Netherlands against Moldova, for which we all wish them the very best of luck. Will Macaulay and Ryan Long have opted for a day at Nirvana spa together, whilst Tom King has his last Saturday of Community Service, taking William Cadden to the seaside to make sandcastles. Congratulations must go to Mike Andrew, awarded best fancy dress prize at the Halloween Party, for his strikingly accurate depiction of a paedophile- it’s hoped he’ll make the long trip to Newton Abbott, with fellow hooligan Ted Keohane for a scrap with the locals and a visit to the local strip club. Debutants Sam Angell and Jon Cranton are currently tied for award of worst chat, so vying for the ultimate prize of a journey home alongside Jockstrap John.

 

Maids team:

1.       M Parrott (c)

2.       L Jones

3.       S Hyland

4.       S Hallett

5.       J Lavin

6.       A McGregor

7.       L Leonard

8.       J Cranton

9.       M Childerhouse

10.   W Runciman

11.   R Lewis

12.   A French

13.   E Keohane

14.   S Prince

15.   P Jansen

16.   P Savage

17.   J Bough

18.   S Angell

Come on you Maids!

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Maids v Brixham (home)

Maids v Brixham (home)

After 2 consecutive away fixtures, and a week off before that, Maids return to the Braywick Bowl, for the first time in a month, to tackle a resurgent, in-form Brixham. Following a tough start to the league campaign, ‘the Fishermen’ have bounced back to enter this game off the back of a 3 game winning streak, which includes an impressive 24-7 win away at Devon rivals, Ivybridge. Brixham’s upsurge in recent form has coincided with the return of talismanic Koree Britton, formerly of London Welsh and Chinnor, and he will line up at hooker, versus former Chinnor teammates, Andy and Mark Darlington at scrum time. Maids will have to improve upon their discipline from last week, as any errors will be punished by number 12 Tom Putt- a man who rarely misses shots at goals.

Maids come into this match, on the back of a thoroughly disappointing derby day loss at Newbury a week ago, but can have no complaints with the 39-15 score line, which the Blues deserved on the day. The normally free-scoring Maids back division were thwarted by a resolute, energetic defence, which, along with the superb place kicking of Ryan Trevaskis, sealed victory. Everyone at Maidenhead is very shocked to hear of the misfortune of Blues flanker Finn Walsh, who suffered a nasty stomach injury in the match, requiring a major operation this week, with a prolonged stay in Swindon hospital. We all wish Finn the very best in his recovery, and hope to see him back on the park sooner, rather than later.

This week, we managed to get 5 minutes with the mercurial, bronzed-beauty diva, Perry Jansen…

*Name/nicknames: Pezdog, Pel, Pezza, Timon, Jerry Pansen, Mowgli, Gypsy-boy.

 

*Position: 10/15

 

*Occupation: Insurance Broker / Andrew Darlington’s scrummaging coach / Team watchman (making sure everyone is okay, particularly Lunch Lady Lewis and his dodgy calves)

 

*Which Maids teammate would you least like to be stuck on a desert island with? This was a tricky one, there’s a few options… Mark Childerhouse due to his weird, constant self-pleasing habits, Jaryd Robinson, as he would insist we both look for his long lost chest for it never to be found. However, this would go to William Cadden, he’s a lovely bloke just so so SO weird.

 

*Which Maids teammate would you want to be stuck on a desert island with? Ed Keohane (despite not getting the best man call up at the wedding), he’s an expert snake handler, and feel confident Greens could send Dan Carter to come pick us up.

 

*What’s your favourite TV Programme? Undateables- love thinking about what Cadden would be like on this program, and also Duck Tales, watching Scrooge McDuck counting all his money, much like me.

 

*What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? I like prank calling James Emmanuel and Myke Parrott most Saturday mornings.

 

*If you could choose; what animal would you be and why? It would be good to be a fly on the wall following Ryan Long around, see what that slippery guy gets up to and who he has been texting. More to the point, I want to know if he ever smiles.

 

*What do you want to achieve this season, both personally, and as a team? Personally, lay off the Thursday lunch time boozing (hard when you know you’ve got a 1.5-hour session of ignoring what anyone says at training). As a team, secure a top 5 position in the league and manage a full 80 minute performance.

Sammy Angell is back in contention this week, and makes his return from injury in the 2s, after impressing Russ Bolton with his new bleep test PB of level 3, joining fit again Jack Hill in an exciting backline, away at Redingensians. Luckily, Head Coach Bolton lost the video of the Newbury game, so Dave Cole keeps his place in the back row, alongside Ryan Long, who moves in from 13. Myke Parrott has recovered from his over-indulgence whilst trick or treating with his kids, and starts in the front row, alongside Mark and Andy Darlington (who both play for Holland).  

 

Forwards coach Mark Bates is a doubt for the game after buying his first iphone, and discovering Tube 8, whilst Meeester Gaweth is absent, and under suspicion for the kidnap and imprisonment of Max Roddick, rumoured to be keeping Fwankie company under a patio somewhere.

 

Maids team:

 

1.       M Parrott (c)

2.       M Darlington

3.       A Darlington

4.       L Leonard

5.       S Hallett

6.       R Long

7.       W Macaulay

8.       D Cole

9.       M Childerhouse

10.   W Runciman

11.   S Prince

12.   A French

13.   E Keohane

14.   G Blewitt

15.   P Jansen

16.   S Hyland

17.   W Cadden

18.   J Robinson

 

Brixham team:

 

1.       J Richards

2.       K Britton

3.       D Conner

4.       N Riley

5.       S Sheriff

6.       J Watson

7.       J Lovell

8.       S Thomas

9.       N Nash

10.   M Worthington

11.   JP Simonetti

12.   T Putt

13.   T McLean

14.   C Bedwell

15.   T Goodman

16.   R Morris

17.   K Kane

18.   K Murphy

 

Come on you Maids!

Maids v Newbury (away)

Maids v Newbury (away)

With a quarter of the season now gone, last week’s bonus point, 27-10 victory away at Weston-Super-Mare, propelled Maidenhead to 3rd position in the SW Premier table, sitting behind only Dings Crusaders and Newton Abbott. It’s been an enjoyable, challenging and educating start to life in the new division, but tomorrow we face off against old SW1 East friends, Newbury Blues, who were promoted via the playoffs to join Maids at level 5.

No doubt, the Berkshire rivals were the two standout teams last season, in a tough division, and the clashes between the sides were full of drama, excitement, ecstasy and agony, which saw them win one match apiece. New additions to the Blues squad this season include Adam Neal, from Oxford Quins and Rhys Davies from Windsor, whilst fly-half Richard West and back-row Finn Russell have both returned to the club after spells away.

Newbury will be satisfied with their start this season, sitting in 8th position after a brilliant opening day win away at Bournemouth, followed by home successes against Lydney and Hornets. They boast the meanest defence in the league, with just 105 points conceded, and enter the game after a close loss away at Camborne, which by all accounts, they could have nicked.

Maids will be enthused after their first away victory of the campaign a week ago, in which the first half saw them play arguably their best rugby of the season, starving Hornets of the ball for long periods, often reaching 10+ phases in attack. One of the players singled out for praise in the match, was hooker Mark Darlington, who we spoke to this week, to ask some deep and meaningful questions of…

*Name/nicknames- “Mark James Darlington”, “Darlo”, “Dark Marlington”, “Darlo no1”, “Skinny Sam Angell”, “Dutch Dave”.

*Position(s)- Hooker, prop, fly half. I play for Holland.

*Occupation- Market Research Recruiter/Andrew Darlington’s Guardian Angel/Dutch rugby legend.

*Which Maids teammate would you least like to be stuck on a desert island with, and why? Sam Hallett- I have seen the way he smashes up the bus on away games; what chance would we have with our shelter or makeshift raft.

* Which Maids teammate would you most like to be stuck on a desert island with, and why? Ryan Long; I feel his can-do attitude, positive energy and general all round happy approach to life would get me through some tough times on the island.

*What’s your favourite TV Programme? I mainly like watching videos of my games playing for Holland.

*What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? Mainly caring for my brother Andrew- helping him get dressed, brushing his teeth etc, and also monitoring Sam Angell’s sausage roll intake.

*If you could be any animal, what would you be and why? A bear. I’d roam around slowly, eating and hibernating- it’s pretty much what I do now.

*What would you like to achieve this season, both personally, and as a team? Finish top half of the table, keep improving and play for Holland. Did I mention I’m a Dutch International?

 

Tom King sadly misses out this week- knocking himself out whilst banging his head against the changing room wall last week, psyching himself up, whilst Jaryd Robinson still hasn’t finished drinking his initiation wine, so is sat on the coach next to Jockstrap John in his pants until it’s gone. Lewis ‘Pumba’ Jones celebrates his favourite day of the year today- the grand release of the Marks and Spencer’s Xmas sandwich, so Russell Bolton will be hoping he recovers in time for kick off. It’s also a big weekend for Max Roddick, who has a birthday party at Cheeky Charlie’s tomorrow, followed by trick or treating with Uncle Churchy on Monday night. Christoph Bart eagerly awaits the release of the Halloween Party guest list, composed by Ellie Birch, and will hope the menu provides plenty of novel options for the night, though ‘Mandingo Ali’ the physio, is likely to provide ‘stiff’ competition.

Maids team:

1.       M Parrott (c)

2.       M Darlington

3.       A Darlington

4.       S Hallett

5.       M Grimshaw

6.       L Leonard

7.       W Macaulay

8.       D Cole

9.       M Childerhouse

10.   P Jansen

11.   R Lewis

12.   E Keohane

13.   R Long

14.   S Prince

15.   W Runciman

16.   L Jones

17.   J Lavin

18.   G Blewitt

Come on you Maids!

Maidenhead v Hornets (away)

Maidenhead v Hornets (away)

Following a well-earned week off, Maids resume their SW Premier campaign over at Weston-Super-Mare-based Hornets this Saturday, hoping to claim their first win on the road of the season. Hornets have endured a tough start so far, claiming a solitary victory and sit bottom of the table presently.

Russ Bolton gave his players a deserved night off training last Thursday, and he has been rewarded with an excellent response from his squad, which saw them enjoy two high-energy sessions this week, with nearly 50 players at both training nights. They head into this game with high hopes after overturning a 7-20 half time deficit against Ivybridge, to eventually pull away, and come out as 26-20 victors.

Although Maidenhead and Hornets have never met in league action before, the surroundings won’t be too unfamiliar, as Hornets ply their trade on a 3G pitch, which might come in handy if weather forecasts for Saturday are to be believed. Leading the home side, will be outside centre, Richard Dempsey, whilst player-coach Steve Pape will lead from the second row. Sonny Haines at tighthead will be tasked with providing a platform at scrum time, while the Maidenhead back 3 need to be wary of winger, Charlie Carter, who has scored plenty of points already this term.

For Maids this week, Jose the Tinkerman aka Russ Bolton has made some changes, including the return of fan’s (Mum’s/wives/girlfriend’s) favourite, Ed Keohane. He took a few minutes out from his busy wedding-planning schedule to answer a few questions…

*Name/nicknames- Ed, Eddie, Dreamboat, Tripod, Perfect Aryan, Greenwood Junior.

*Position(s)- 10/12/13/15 (whatever the dice rolls in selection).

*Occupation- Freelance Karaoke Teacher.

*Which Maids teammate would you least like to be stuck on a desert island with, and why? Big Sammy Hallett- the sing off would get too intense, and when he gets drunk, he gets physical.

* Which Maids teammate would you most like to be stuck on a desert island with, and why? PezDawg- we will make it work. Greens would leave the rest of the team and come and rescue us anyway.

*What’s your favourite TV Programme? ‘Don’t tell the Bride’ is a favourite at the moment, enjoy the inspiration it’s giving me.

*What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? Pretending to plan a wedding is pretty fun at the moment- I’m only doing it for the stag do, and then pulling the plug anyway. I love being abused by my younger brother Joe, in front of my proud Father, Ted, and also getting us banned from coach companies all over the South West.

*If you could be any animal, what would you be and why? I’d be a donkey- bottom half is there already.

*What would you like to achieve this season, both personally, and as a team? Cement a top 6 finish and wipe the floor with Bracknell and Newbury. Personally, do enough for Greens to leave me alone on a Sunday.

William Cadden returns from playing in the ‘Sandpit Crew’ league with Norway, and starts at number 8 for the 2nd XV against Abbey. He’ll line up alongside Player of the Month, Stevie Hyland, who was given his choice of 5 beautiful physios at training last night, as a reward for his efforts. Storm Brian has taken his first victim, blowing away Nic Jones’ shoulders, so he continues on the sidelines, alongside brother Laurence, who still can’t balance properly, after the big operation. Sammy Hallett’s latest roofing job, upon Harlequin Coaches has landed him in hot water with the Maids committee, so he has to sit and listen to Dicky Brown on the whole journey back as punishment. Sam Churchyard has travelled to New York to support ex-babysitter Harvey Weinstein, and takes new plaything Max Roddick for ‘support’. Rumours are growing as to the whereabouts of Fwankie, after Lynda bust out fabulous Thai curries in consecutive weeks, accompanied by the sounds of chains and groans from the kitchen, with Meeester Gaweth seen sneaking out the side door, with a mischievous smirk on his face. Scott Prince is back in therapy, after a severe regression in his behaviour this week, being caught placing cameras in his Aunt’s bedroom, but has been granted day release to join the squad for a few hours.

 

Maids team:

1.       M Parrott (c)

2.       M Darlington

3.       A Darlington

4.       L Leonard

5.       M Grimshaw

6.       T King

7.       W Macaulay

8.       D Cole

9.       M Childerhouse

10.   P Jansen

11.   J Robinson

12.   E Keohane

13.   R Long

14.   R Lewis

15.   W Runciman

16.   L Jones

17.   S Hallett

18.   S Prince

Come on you Maids!

Maidenhead v Ivybridge (home)

Maidenhead v Ivybridge (home)

Maidenhead welcome Devon-based Ivybridge to the Braywick Bowl this week, in possibly the first ever meeting between the 2 sides, if not, the first in a very long time. Ivybridge enter this game full of confidence, following 3 consecutive victories, including impressive away wins at our friends Newbury, and Lydney, who were our victors, 38-29, a week ago.

Maids are disappointed with their away form so far this term, and are fully aware that a change in mindset, and a tweak to the game plan is required, if they are to emulate home successes. However, they are delighted to be back on the familiar 3G territory, and confident of extending the proud home winning run. Consecutive 500+ crowds, buoyed by the Maidenhead Ultras haven’t been disappointed this campaign, and all the players are determined to continue entertaining and rewarding the many people of the town that have been coming to support.

Ivybridge are a somewhat unknown quantity to Maids, but player-coach Lewis Paterson, at outside centre is likely to be a threat, and inside him, Mitch and Billy Pinkus at 10 and 12 respectively will pull the strings. Scrum half Sean Disney, is a summer recruit from SW Prem rivals, Hornets, and he starts at 9 this week, with fellow scrum half, Ben Watts on the bench. Upfront, Matt Finn skippers from tighthead, and goes directly up against Maids captain, Parrott, whilst last week’s 2nd rows are missing, and replaced with Pete Abraham and Robin Luscombe moving up from the back row.

There are further changes in the Maids team this week, but one of the ever-presents this term, Will Runciman, starts at 12, so we caught up with him, to ask the new recruit some questions…

*Name/nicknames- Will, Runci, Willy, Run Simon, Runny Sperm, Terry, Carole Smillie.

*Position(s)-Fly half

*Occupation- Dodgy Accountant, helping Boughy and Dom rob the club’s money.

*Which Maids teammate would you least like to be stuck on a desert island with, and why? Dark Marlington- I’m not sure how he’d react to the situation, and I’d fear for my life.

* Which Maids teammate would you most like to be stuck on a desert island with, and why? Sam Churchyard- we’d survive on his years’ supply of Puss milk- yummy.

*What’s your favourite TV Programme? Bottom, but the Vietnamese, Gary Glitter version.

*What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? Dom Birch is my current primary pastime. I’ve been studying his behaviour very closely over the past few months, and performing intricate pyscho-analysis on the complexities of his social and emotional interaction with peers and players alike, hoping to identify a chink in his armour. Sadly, no success yet, and he really does hate us. Also learning to play the piano.

*If you could be any animal, what would you be and why? I’d be a bedbug, so I could continue to piss off Perry, and make him get his wardrobe dry cleaned again.

*What would you like to achieve this season, both personally, and as a team? A top 4 finish would be great, and to learn the words to ‘A Little Respect’ off by heart.

After another impressive 1st XV performance last week, Lawrence Leonard has invited his family down for the weekend, and it is their caravans, currently occupying the carpark at the club. Tom King and Badger Bates thoroughly enjoyed their Thursday night tag-team street fight with the local travelling community, and have invited them to stay for a couple more weeks. Ed Keohane misses out this week, due to a karaoke competition in Skegness, but Jaryd Robinson returns to the starting lineup, after finalising the terms of his ‘home games only’ contract, with DoR, Tony Brooks. It’s a warm welcome back to Mark Childerhouse, who starts at scrum half after completing his fashion degree, and Lewis ‘Pumba’ Jones, will be looking to make an impact off the bench, despite the ‘inconvenient’ 3pm kick off time, falling straight on the time of his usual afternoon snack.

 

Ivybridge team:

1.       Jon Morgan

2.       Jay Geraty

3.       Matt Finn (c)

4.       Robin Luscombe

5.       Pete Abraham

6.       Aiden Taylor

7.       Marcus Prout

8.       Luke Richardson

9.       Sean Disney

10.   Mitch Pinkus

11.   Damon Ackerman

12.   Billy Pinkus

13.   Lewis Paterson

14.   Tom Scoles

15.   Charlie Briant

16.   Wes Vermigle

17.   Hayden Coles

18.   Ben Watts

Maids team:

1.       Myke Parrott (c)

2.       Mark Darlington

3.       Andy Darlington

4.       Sam Churchyard

5.       Sam Hallett

6.       Tom King

7.       Will Macaulay

8.       Dave Cole

9.       Mark Childerhouse

10.   Perry Jansen

11.   Jaryd Robinson

12.   Will Runciman

13.   Ryan Long

14.   George Blewitt

15.   Max Roddick

16.   Lewis Jones

17.   Lawrence Leonard

18.   Alex French

Come on you Maids!

 

 

 

Maids v Lydney (away)

Maids v Lydney (away)

Following on from a breathless 80 minutes at Braywick a week ago, Russ Bolton’s charges head to Regentsholme, Gloucestershire, to the home of Lydney RFC, where a tough challenge awaits them. Maids head into the game full of confidence, after dispatching league heavyweights Exmouth 45-33 last week. This was no doubt, the eye-catching result of the round, and one of the most notable in recent times at the club.

Exmouth, who were playing in National 2 last season, stormed into an early 12-0 lead, and the signs looked ominous, but this Maidenhead team are a smarter, stronger and fitter side than in previous seasons, and they adapted well, to bounce back and exert their control. A solid set piece, relentless defence, and clinical, pacy counterattacking were the catalysts for a 45-26 lead, until the last play, when the Cockles successfully stole a losing bonus point with their 4th try, to give a 45-33 final scoreline.

Despite their lowly position in the table, Lydney must consider themselves unfortunate so far, having had to play 3 of the opening 4 matches away from home, in a tough start to the season for them. Nevertheless, they will be delighted to be back at home this week, and will see this as a key fixture for them, to pick up some points. Some Maids boys will recognise one of the key Lydney men this week, with winger Reuben Haille having spent some time at Chinnor previously. Number 10, Ollie Locke may also be recognisable to some, having played for Old Cents in SW1 last year, and he will partner fellow halfback and skipper Sam Arnott tomorrow.

For Maids, there are several changes this week, but one of our ever-presents, big Sammy Hallett keeps his place, so we took the time to ask the introverted, retiring, long-haired Garage MC a few personal questions, to gain an insight into his mind.

*Name/nicknames- Sam, Big Sam, Samson, Jesus, MC Goldilocks, Lady Gaga.

*Position(s)- 2nd row/wing

*Occupation- I con old people out of money, by telling them their roof needs fixing, and then charge a fortune to damage it further.

*Which Maids teammate would you least like to be stuck on a desert island with, and why? Would have to be Andy Darlington, pretty sure he’d get hungry first.

* Which Maids teammate would you most like to be stuck on a desert island with, and why? That’s an easy one, Will Runciman. I know when food gets scarce, he’d be a gent, and let me eat him first. Top lad!

*What’s your favourite TV Programme? I love, love, love TOWIE!!! The clubhouse sometimes reminds me of it actually- Cadden’s psycho ex attacking him, then him sniffing round Ellie’s fit mates, only to be cockblocked by the boys. Love the drama!

*What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? I’m massively into topiary at the moment. There’s something cleansing about creating form out of a regular old brush.

*If you could be any animal, what would you be and why? Interesting question, and I’m delighted you’ve asked me that actually. I would love to become a beaver, just for one day- we all know this is Batesy’s favourite dam-building mammal, and I feel if I could get to know the social complexities of this fascinating creature, he may take me in as one of his own.

*What would you like to achieve this season, both personally, and as a team? Personally, I want to score more points than anyone else ever has in one season. I know Tom Finnie did well last year, but his haul is certainly achievable I feel. As a team, I think if we are really going to push forward, then it’s vital that we know Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody, word for word.

Jack Hill continues in the 9 shirt this week, despite the foot injury sustained at the hands of his Dad, Adam, who put him in an ankle lock at home, but Jaryd Robinson is away; the staunch Communist, who refuses to get a normal job and play every Saturday, has travelled to Japan, to cheer on the North Korean missiles. Mark Childerhouse is unavailable, as he and new fiancé Amy have to spend a day deciding which chair covers they would like at their wedding, but luckily there is a return to the side for youngster Max Roddick, who has spent a couple of weeks in the shed of Nic Jones. There are debuts for George Blewitt, who has just signed from Amersham, and also Mark Grimshaw and Alex French, who start on the bench.

Maids team:

1.       M Parrott (c)

2.       M Darlington

3.       A Darlington

4.       S Hallett

5.       S Churchyard

6.       L Leonard

7.       T King

8.       D Cole

9.       J Hill

10.   P Jansen

11.   M Roddick

12.   W Runciman

13.   R Long

14.   G Blewitt

15.   E Keohane

16.   L Jones

17.   M Grimshaw

18.   A French

Lydney team:

1.       C Lane

2.       N Ford

3.       B Ncube

4.       D Bennett

5.       A Southon

6.       K Brown

7.       T Patrick

8.       J Barker

9.       S Arnott (c)

10.   O Locke

11.   R Haille

12.   J Sargent

13.   J Dunn

14.   K Bower

15.   T Lakabuka

16.   G Butt

17.   L Overthrow

18.   P McCain

Maids v Exmouth (home)

Maids v Exmouth (home)

Searching for their 22nd consecutive home victory, Maids face their biggest threat so far to the proud record they hold, with currently unbeaten Exmouth coming to town. With 15 points from 15 so far, Jon Hill’s men arrive at Braywick full of confidence, and will be looking to cement their place at the summit of the table.

There are several enforced changes to the Exmouth team this week, with skipper Jack Fahy ruled out through injury, and new signing Owen Nesbitt replacing player-coach Tom Whelan at scrum half. Man of the Match last week, Pete Ingoldsby keeps his place in the back row alongside Ross Morshead and Dave Bargent, with youngster Dan Armstrong switching to the row. Exmouth will enjoy the fast surface the 3G at Braywick gives, often choosing to play an expansive game of rugby, which should make for a cracking contest.

There are various changes to the Maids team this week, which will be looking to make amends for a poor 1st half performance away at Dings Crusaders a week; Ryan Long switches to centre, with Tom King and Dave Cole making their debuts in the back row, alongside openside flanker, Will Macaulay, who we spoke with this week, find out more about the mysterious bald Northerner…

*Name/nicknames- Macca, Mac Attack, Return of the Mac, Northern Norman, Pen Machine.

*Position(s)- Offside/back row

*Occupation- Teacher

*Which Maids teammate would you least like to be stuck on a desert island with, and why? Perry- he’d eat all the mushrooms, and be really needy, wanting cuddles all the time.

* Which Maids teammate would you most like to be stuck on a desert island with, and why? Ed Keohane, would sing a decent lullaby.

*What’s your favourite TV Programme? Jim’ll Fix it.

*What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? I really enjoy running Big Dom Birch’s Twitter account (@bigdombirch), and signing Batesy up for nuisance calls and spam, so that Parrott gets the blame for it. Have recently put Tony Brooks’ house up for sale, and sent pizzas round to Boughy’s, so can’t wait to see him in trouble for that.

*If you could be any animal, what would you be and why? I’d be a Moose, to communicate with Will Cadden, and try to learn what goes on in his head.

*What would you like to achieve this season, both personally, and as a team? As a team, I’d like us to finish top 4, and personally, I hope to develop my left-hand pass.

Maids welcome former Windsor skipper, Tom King, into the back row this week, for his debut, alongside new addition Dave Cole, after Ellie Birch insisted that new plaything Ryan Long isn’t allowed in the pack anymore, so he switches to 13. Rorie ‘Cow Head’ Hannigan has grass poisoning, with his udders disagreeing with the Dings’ turf, so Sammy Angell comes in at 12, after completing his month-long sausage roll tour of Oxfordshire, and Mike Andrew takes over the bar, with Dom Birch convinced that ‘mind-goon’ Sam Jarman is putting voices in his head and making him kick children. Jack Hill will be hoping that the girl he takes home this weekend, won’t end up naked in bed with his sister, and Will Cadden, currently injured, aims to make it 3 straight weeks of crying in the toilets at the strip club.

Exmouth team:

  1. Tom Brown
  2. Davy McGregor (c)
  3. Tom Barnard
  4. Dan Armstrong
  5. Mike Richards
  6. Pete Ingoldsby
  7. Dave Bargent
  8. Ross Morshead
  9. Owen Nesbitt
  10. George Meadows
  11. Matt Dayment
  12. Alex Goldman
  13. Mark Wathes
  14. Matt Ryan
  15. Rich Bright
  16. Nick Halse
  17. Charlie Gibbings
  18. Rich Cadywould

Maids team:

  1. Myke Parrott (c)
  2. Mark Darlington
  3. Andy Darlington
  4. Sam Churchyard
  5. Sam Hallett
  6. Tom King
  7. Will Macaulay
  8. Dave Cole
  9. Jack Hill
  10. Will Runciman
  11. Jaryd Robinson
  12. Sam Angell
  13. Ryan Long
  14. Perry Jansen
  15. Ed Keohane
  16. Lewis Jones
  17. Laurence Leonard
  18. Ross Lewis