Maids v Old Centralians (away)

Maids v Old Centralians (away)

After a nervy first half last week, which saw title challengers Old Pats record 3 tries, Maids showed great character to respond, and finally pull away in the last play of the match, which saw Tom Finnie dot down, to score the decisive score, awarding Maids a bonus point, whilst also restricting their Gloucestershire counterparts to a solitary point. The 33-22 final result gives Maids a slight edge in the SW1 title race, and they now know that if they win their remaining games, with a couple of bonus points along the way, they will be champions.

This week, they travel to Old Patesians’ neighbours, Old Centralians, to play the re-arranged fixture, which was previously called off due to a waterlogged pitch. Old Cents boast a strong home record this season, and Maidenhead know that the 52-14 result, in the reverse fixture at Braywick before Xmas, is irrelevant to this week. Last time out, Old Cents were dismantled by 3rd-placed Newbury, 52-5, and they will be keen to bounce back, and what better way, than to bloody the noses of a team fighting for the title?

Maids were delighted to welcome back Jaryd Robinson into the squad last week, and he continues in the 11 shirt this week, so we took the opportunity to learn a bit more about him;

*Nickname(s)? J-Rod, Gerrard, Robbo, Jezza, Longy Mark II.

*Occupation? Printer fixer.

*Position? Wing.

*Former clubs? Too many to mention

*Biggest rugby achievement to date? Beating Samurai in the Super Sevens, playing in the World Club Sevens at Twickenham, and getting a bronze medal in the Maids RFC sprint race, behind Perry and Christoph.

*Favourite food? Steak.

*Dream woman? Ross Muil’s ex-girlfriend, Charlie Docker.

*Which Maids teammate would you least like to be stuck in a lift with, and why? Perry Jansen- he’s really boring to talk to.

*What do you want to achieve this season? Not get injured, and play a part in a successful promotion.

 

There are a few changes in the Maids squad this week, after the Old Pats victory last week; Sam Churchyard had his foot broken in training on Tuesday, by Umar ‘John Dem’ Marriott, who said he looked at him funny, and Ross Muil is out with a broken heart, so is at home watching Netflix and eating ice-cream, whilst Murray Barratt rubs his back. Rorie Hannigan, aka ‘Cow Head’, arrived at Old Cents yesterday, in eager anticipation of the reported long grass on the home side’s pitch and Christoph Bart is in Manchester, settling a gangland dispute.

 

Maids team:

 

  1. Parrott (c)
  2. N Jones
  3. L Jones
  4. Bough
  5. Emmanuel
  6. Cadden
  7. Macaulay
  8. Long
  9. Childerhouse
  10. Jansen
  11. Robinson
  12. Hannigan
  13. Keohane
  14. Khakhumlan
  15. Finnie
  16. Britton
  17. Evans
  18. Lewis

 

Come on you Maids!

Maidenhead v Old Patesians (home)

Maidenhead v Old Patesians (home)

Since November 19th last year, when Maids returned from Gloucestershire on the wrong end of a 29-27 result to Old Pats, surrendering the lead atop SW1, the boys have patiently waited, for their opportunity, to correct a few wrongs from that day, and that time has finally arrived…

Old Pats enter this game, on the back of a thumping 56-19 victory over Grove 7 days ago, so come into the match full of confidence, especially after mercurial scrum half Takuya Osaki made his long-awaited return from injury, off the bench. Fans often get their money’s worth at Braywick, and with Pats averaging 43 points a game in their last 3 outings, supporters from both teams will be excitedly anticipating an expansive, hard-fought, entertaining spectacle.

Upfront, both teams will be keen to assert dominance at scrum time, and each come with genuine credentials for best scrum in the division. The “lumpy” front 5 of Patesians, versus the smaller, but technically-proficient counterparts in Maids’ shirts will be a fascinating contest to behold, and will go some way to determining which exciting backline will prevail on Saturday.

The 2 back rows of Cadden, Long and Macauley versus Langton, Alldritt and Angell provide another scintillating head-to-head battle, and it’s arguable, that if the outstanding player on the pitch back that day in November, Ryan Long, hadn’t had to retire early, the result could have been very different.

Outside of Osaki at 9, the two fliers in the Patesians’ side, Spurrier and Gahan score bagfuls of tries from either wing, and the fact they keep Verden out of the XV, who scored a scorching hat-trick in the reverse fixture, is an indication of their proficiency, and they will surely relish the playing surface that the AGP gives.

Maids head into the game after a frustrating postponement of their away match at Old Cents last week, which means it’s 3 weeks since they last played, following a superb performance in the 34-17 victory over title rivals Newbury Blues. This week, we focus on Paul Britton, who made a quite thunderous impact coming off the bench in that game;

*Nickname(s)? Pauly B, Brits, Silver Fox, Hefner, Carol Smillie.

*Occupation? Karma-sutra instructor.

*Position? Benchwarmer, ex-prop

*Former clubs? Salisbury, Walsall, Wolves Uni, RC Bassetts.

*Biggest rugby achievement to date? Winning the league.

*Favourite food? Lasagne

*Dream woman/man? Scott Prince’s Mum/Perry Jansen

*Which Maids teammate would you least like to be stuck in a lift with, and why? Lunch Money Lewis Jones- he has the body of a dinner lady and bad taste in music.

*What do you want to achieve this season? Finish the season without injury!

 

Maidenhead were all set to name the same side, which so impressively dispatched of Newbury 3 weeks ago, but in a cruel twist of fate, teenage winger, Scott Prince, in sparkling form this season, got injured on Tuesday night, ruling him out of the fixture. The whole squad really feels for a young lad, who has worked hard this year to get a starting spot, keep it, and score lots of tries, but ultimately has to miss the biggest game of the season. Scott, there will no doubt be many more big games for you in a Maidenhead shirt, for years to come.

 

To replace Prince, we welcome back Jaryd Robinson, who makes his first appearance of the season following shoulder surgery, after Kevin Young’s knee injury diagnosis. To be fair to Kevin, his prescribed treatment of the injury was more medically accurate than that of Ellie Birch and Sharlene Bertie, who suggested he needed a sleepover with them…

Will Cadden has spent 3 weeks trying to get himself a transfer to a new club, but after things were going so well at Marlow RFC for him last week, true to form, he had a beer and upset the whole town, meaning he remains in the 6 shirt. Russ Bolton will hope that Christoph Bart leaves ‘Pinks’ in time to warm up for the match, and Ellie’s friend Tamsin will be eagerly awaiting news of his arrival, for sure. After last weeks’ washout, Parrott, Keohane and Churchyard got a glimpse of life after rugby, being stuck at home with the WAGS, and have all committed to the club for another 10 years. In the hope of securing additional RFU funding for next season, Frankie Khakhumlan, post-op transgender Thai national, with various religious beliefs, Tinder fetishes and general special needs, has been picked, in order to put a big tick in the ‘diversity box’. Club sponsor Paul Childerhouse has paid a large donation to the club, to ensure Mark Childerhouse gets 80 minutes at 9 this week, and he has promised to repay the supporters with a post-match windmill in front of his mother.

 

No doubt, this is a huge game for players and supporters from both sides, but regardless of the result, let’s all hope that rugby is the real winner. Let’s ensure the game is played in the right way, and when that final whistle goes, we win or lose with humility and respect, shake hands, have a beer and wish each other well.

 

Old Pats:

 

  1. Saunders
  2. Dean (c)
  3. Thompson
  4. Stephens
  5. Evans
  6. Angell
  7. Langton
  8. Alldritt
  9. Aherne
  10. Offa
  11. Gahan
  12. Sharratt
  13. Harrod
  14. Spurrier
  15. Dean
  16. Hughes
  17. Downes
  18. Osaki

 

Maids:

 

  1. Parrott (c)
  2. N Jones
  3. L Jones
  4. Barratt
  5. Muil
  6. Cadden
  7. Macauley
  8. Long
  9. Childerhouse
  10. Jansen
  11. Robinson
  12. Hannigan
  13. Keohane
  14. Bart
  15. Finnie
  16. Britton
  17. Churchyard
  18. Khakhumlan

 

Come on you Maids!

 

Maids v Newbury (home)

Maids v Newbury (home)

Maidenhead welcome fellow title challengers, Newbury Blues to the Braywick Bowl tomorrow in a game that will undoubtedly have significant effect on who finishes South West One at the summit. Maids are unbeaten at Braywick since October 2015, whilst Newbury arrive on the back of an 8-game winning streak, which has seen them close the gap on the top 2 of Old Pats and Maids, to just 2 points. The game couldn’t be more finely poised, and no doubt, both sides will be hoping for a big crowd to cheer their respective teams on.

Maids will have to play for 80 minutes this week, without giving Newbury the benefit of a 20 minute lull, something which was afforded to Richie Craig’s Witney boys last week. Eventually, Maids settled into their rhythm, and dispatched the Oxfordshire side 47-26, but not without a couple of scares.

At Monks Lane earlier in the season, it was the Blues who came out on top, 31-28, after a superb individual performance from captain Dan Thorne, at 10. This week, he dons the 13 shirt, with Nick Wacwitz at fly half, but Maids will be wary of the threat he poses. Upfront, Newbury have big ball carriers in Winfield (6) and Millar (8), so will have to stop them early, and meet them head-on at the gain line.

Maidenhead welcomed back various senior players to the side last week, and one man who was singled out for praise by Head Coach Russ Bolton, was young stud, Ross Muil. We had a chat with him this week, to find out a little more about him…

*Nickname(s)? Rossy, Wossy, Rossco, Brad Junior, Charlie’s better half.

*Occupation? PE Teacher/Gap year student

*Position? 2nd row

*Former clubs? Maids, Berks U20s

*Biggest rugby achievement to date? Scoring a try at Braywick while my girlfriend was watching. It was all for her.

*Favourite food? Italian

*Dream woman/man? Gemma Parrott (when she was pregnant)/Rupert Erskine

*Which Maids teammate would you least like to be stuck in a lift with, and why? Nic Jones, in case he has his weird Fritzl chessboard with him.

*What do you want to achieve this season? Promotion, and to ensure my Mum doesn’t catch me being ‘intimate’ with my girlfriend again.

 

Maids welcome back William Cadden to the starting line-up for this game, whose IQ has yet again deteriorated, this time, through a broken hand. Sam Churchyard wins the season award for most ridiculous absence, electing to book his stag do on this weekend, but fortunately, no other Maids boys actually like him, so James Emmanuel is the only other absentee for this. Nic Jones has had the Dmitri Payet treatment this week, being booted out of the Whatsapp group for skipping training due to Valentine’s, and then offering no apology, but is allowed to play the match. Mark Childerhouse continues in the scrum half shirt, with special permission from Russ Bolton to conduct his naughty little habit at half time.

 

Maids team:

 

  1. Parrott (c)
  2. P Jones
  3. L Jones
  4. Muil
  5. Barratt
  6. Cadden
  7. Macaulay
  8. Long
  9. Childerhouse
  10. Jansen
  11. Prince
  12. Hannigan
  13. Keohane
  14. Bart
  15. Finnie
  16. Britton
  17. Meek
  18. Burnett

 

Newbury team:

 

  1. Hicks
  2. Drysdale
  3. Macaulay
  4. Bastable
  5. Doel
  6. Winfield
  7. D Stewart
  8. Millar
  9. Piggott
  10. Wacwitz
  11. Futcher
  12. Love
  13. D Thorne
  14. Walker
  15. T Thorne
  16. G Stewart
  17. Davis
  18. Bartlett

 

Come on you Maids!

 

Maids v Witney (home)

Maids v Witney (home)

Maids v Witney

We now enter the business end of the season, just one point off the top, but just one point ahead of Newbury in 3rd, who we entertain next week. Although the whole squad were hugely disappointed to leave Grove with a loss, there is an air of optimism now, that we are through the worst of the injury and unavailability crisis, and can push on in the last 8 games and achieve promotion.

Standing in our way, next up, is Witney, constituency of former Prime Minister, David Cameron, who will be hoping to get one over on current PM, Theresa May from Maidenhead. Boat race for a bonus point? Nic Jones will no doubt be delighted to welcome Mr Cameron to Braywick, where he can discuss his pig fetish, with a fellow fan.

Former 1st XV skipper Richie Craig will strictly be on the side lines coaching tomorrow, despite having made a few playing appearances this season, as well as receiving his customary yellow cards. Upfront, ‘Big Al Richens’ will don the tighthead shirt, and look to give a solid platform for his backline, whilst skipper and scrum half, Gareth Campbell will be tasked with marshalling them. Winger, Lewis Collins, will be one to watch out for on the AGP, for the Maids back 3- he has searing pace, and scored impressively off first phase in the reverse fixture at Witney earlier in the season.

For Maidenhead, making his first start of the season for the 1st XV, is club oddball, Mark Childerhouse. Let’s see what filth he decided to spout this week…

*Nickname(s)? Chills, Chillers, Chilli, Gok Wan, ‘orrible little thing.

*Occupation? PA for my Dad.

*Position? Reverse gargoyle.

*Former clubs? Redingensians (before they got good), Wycombe.

*Biggest rugby achievement to date? Player of the month February 2016. Boom.

*Favourite food? Egg sandwich

*Dream woman/man? Becky Baxter

*Which Maids teammate would you least like to be stuck in a lift with, and why? Tom Finnie- he’s a man on the edge, and he’s about to snap.

*What do you want to achieve this season? Get back with my fit ex-girlfriend, and hope that my Dad doesn’t find out about my weird little lunchtime habit.

Right on time, Maids will be delighted to welcome back senior players Ed Keohane, Ryan Long, Nic Jones and Ross Muil from injury, with Perry Jansen now back after a spiritual getaway to find himself. Will Cadden would be back this week, but he’s still sitting in the stands trying to figure out the handling drill from Tuesday, and Murray Barratt is hoping for a pass from his Mrs, after his feelings towards the Crossfit coach were made public in the last match preview. Russ Bolton has made the tactical decision of placing James Emmanuel on the bench, so he can wind up Richie Craig all game from close proximity, whilst Lunch Money Lewis switches to tighthead, despite the recent attention from his recent single ‘Bills’, as illustrated in the clubhouse.

Maids team:

  1. Parrott (c)
  2. P Jones
  3. L Jones
  4. Barratt
  5. Churchyard
  6. Muil
  7. Macauley
  8. Long
  9. Childerhouse
  10. Jansen
  11. Prince
  12. Hannigan
  13. Keohane
  14. Bart
  15. Finnie
  16. Britton
  17. Emmanuel
  18. Thompson

 

Witney team:

  1. Fuller
  2. Merriman
  3. Richens
  4. Webb
  5. Mortimer
  6. Coe
  7. S Collins
  8. Allen
  9. G Campbell (c)
  10. Lamb
  11. L Collins
  12. Godfrey
  13. Clarke
  14. Lambourne
  15. Lewis
  16. Copperwheat
  17. C Campbell
  18. Foggett

Come on you Maids!

Maidenhead v Grove (away)

Maidenhead v Grove (away)

Maidenhead face a tricky away trip to Grove, buoyed by their best performance of the season last week, in an 80-17 thumping of Chippenham. Chipp had no answer to the pace, power, and fitness of a rampant Maids team that displayed accuracy, precision and a hunger to dispel the memories of a disappointing reverse at Banbury 7 days earlier.

Due to the weather, Grove haven’t played for 2 weeks, since losing away at Chippenham, 43-12. They will be disappointed with recent form, after an impressive start, which saw them win 4 of their first 5, before losing out to Maidenhead at Braywick, 37-25, in a spirited performance. Maids will be wary of the much-vaunted catch and drive from Grove, which has been a feature of many of their scoring plays so far this year. No doubt, second row player-coach Josh Tyler has been a big advocate of this weapon selection, and it’s an area they’ll surely look to capitalise on, in the anticipated bad weather this weekend.

For Maids, there are a few changes this week, and one inclusion, is that of Murray Barratt, a new signing this season, who has impressed so far…

*Nickname(s)? Muz, Muzza, Barry Bennall, Launchbury.

*Occupation? Strength and Conditioning/Rugby Coach

*Position? 6/8/reluctant 2nd row.

*Former clubs? Luctonians RFC, Hereford RFC.

*Biggest rugby achievement to date? Working as strength and conditioning coach for England Women’s Rugby, and coaching Wellington College to just one loss in 2 years. Try assist for Old Pats.

*Favourite food? Peanut butter, ideally consumed off genitals (male or female, not fussy).

*Dream woman/man? Jo Thomas, the Crossfit coach in Windsor.

*Which Maids teammate would you least like to be stuck in a lift with, and why? Churchy/Parrott, they both like a birdbath far too much.

*What do you want to achieve this season? Cement a place in the starting XV of a title-winning side and ask Jo out for dinner.

Ryan Long misses out this week- he has been unmasked as the despicable Twitter troll, sending messages to Katie Price on Twitter, so has been suspended by Stephen Bough, and Phil White has travelled to Washington, to participate in the feminism marches against Donald Trump. Perry Jansen continues to struggle with the loss of George Michael, whilst Ross Muil has taken advantage of the couples’ discount at the Sunbed Shop in town. Now the depraved Nic Jones is injured, Chris Gill has agreed to return to the 1st XV, following a traumatic debut bus trip from Trowbridge, where the wandering hands of Jones changed the young man’s outlook on life forever.

Maids team:

  1. Parrott (c)
  2. L Jones
  3. Britton
  4. Emmanuel
  5. Churchyard
  6. Barratt
  7. Evans
  8. Macauley
  9. Hill
  10. Thompson
  11. Prince
  12. Hannigan
  13. Bart
  14. Burnett
  15. Finnie
  16. Richmond
  17. Gill
  18. Childerhouse

Come on you Maids!

The musings of Big Dom Birch

The musings of Big Dom Birch

Nicknames? Dommy, Big D, Laugh-a-lot, Mr Happy, Chuckles

 Occupation? Full time Goon to Seniors or Commercial Manager here at MRUFC

 Position; Leaning on the bar, Locked in the office calming down after more Snr’s “antics”. Used to play tight head.

 Former Clubs; Kendal, Cumbria, Sheffield Poly to Maids

 Biggest Rugby Achievement; Got into the U18 North of England trials but was so hammered after a night out spent all trials throwing up. Unfairly wasn’t invited back. Coaches all goons anyway.

 Fave Food; Salad, occasional steamed chicken or fish. All about keeping light and nimble. Ready for any eventuality.

 Dream Woman; Only one – my perfect wife. Although Cadden’s Missus intrigues me as she is so psycho-never a dull moment?

 Which Maids Teammate; None. Absolutely none. They are all wrong ‘uns with things wrong in their head and their outlook. Parrot, Chilli, Churchy, in fact list them all. Now I’m steaming just thinking about them. Eman – complete Goon. Cadden – not all there. Bollox to this – am gonna go away and draw up a full list. And they’re all barred.

 What you want achieve; Ban all Snr squad. Close bar and keep customers out. Keep heating turned off. Cancel the phone line. Stop children running about and stop selling sweets.

 At this point the interview was over as Big D had lost control thinking about all the senior’s and could be heard screaming in the background “Goons – the effing lot of them”……..

Maids v Chippenham (home)

Maids v Chippenham (home)

Maids’ title hopes took a dent last week, as they lost top spot by losing to Banbury, whilst ever-consistent Old Pats won yet again, to reclaim pole position in SW1. A lacklustre last start from Maids, coupled with a blistering first 20 minutes from Banbury saw them 17-0 down at half time, quickly going 20-0 down, and then 1 man down, leaving them a mountain to climb. It was an admirable fight back, which saw 3 tries scored with no reply, but sadly they couldn’t overturn the deficit against James Kerr’s in-form Bulls, and they lost out 20-17. They now trail Old Patesians by 2 points, with 10 games to go, including the challenge of another in-form side, Chippenham, who arrive at Braywick tomorrow, in confident mood, after they dispatched Witney 31-3 a week ago.

Chippenham play off a solid set piece, and the usually reliable Maids scrum will be severely tested tomorrow, as reports indicate it’s an area where they are very strong. Luke Corbett dons the number 3 shirt, and will be up against Maidenhead skipper, Myke Parrott upfront, whose unsuccessful post Xmas diet has seen his weight disappointingly escalate. Dom Birch must shoulder the majority of the blame for this raise, following his insistence on seconds after training, including extra sausages on Tuesday, and 4 pieces of naan bread last night.

Out wide, brothers Lewis and Ryan Surry play at scrum half and centre respectively, with Ryan captaining the side from number 12, whilst Dom Riccio at fly-half is a dangerous player, who will need to be carefully marshalled by the Maidenhead back row.

After impressing last week, upon his return to 1st team duty off the bench, winger Mike Burnett starts his first game since October, and we caught up with him this week, to ask some deep and insightful questions…

*Nickname(s)? Mikey B, Ted, Teddy, Cheese.

*Occupation? Management Consultant

*Position? Usually just plain old missionary on the physio bed. Back 3 when fit.

*Former clubs? Maids, Weston-Super-Mare, Clifton, Maids.

*Biggest rugby achievement to date? Getting promoted to Nat 3 with Maids, and starting for Clifton in Nat 2.

*Favourite food? Bangers and mash

*Dream woman/man? Linda, in the kitchen.

*Which Maids teammate would you least like to be stuck in a lift with, and why? Any of you ‘orrible little things, who think it’s ok ** **** *** *** on each other. Only my mother does that to me. Other than that, Whitey, he’s been to some dark places in Kazakhstan.

*What do you want to achieve this season? Knee replacement and promotion.

Thanks to Will Greenwood for organising the visit from a psychologist last night, sadly, after being present during Will Cadden’s session, he now requires therapy himself, so has absconded to a Sky-sports sponsored retreat to recover, and so misses the game. Paul Britton is welcomed back to the starting line up this week, whilst Nic Jones extends the prison bars on his shed, with Lewis Jones switching to hooker. Christoph Bart is back in the starting line up, after playing his part in the recent revival of the red-light economy in Amsterdam, and Scott Prince is expected to recover from the belt whipping dished out by his father for losing last week. Ed Keohane has been suspended, for sending daily nudes to forwards coach, Mark Bates, so is out for another week.

Maids team:

  1. Parrott (c)
  2. L Jones
  3. Britton
  4. Emmanuel
  5. Churchyard
  6. White
  7. Macauley
  8. Long
  9. Hill
  10. Thompson
  11. Prince
  12. Hannigan
  13. Bart
  14. Burnett
  15. Finnie
  16. Marriott
  17. Dance
  18. Childerhouse

Chippenham team:

  1. Riley
  2. Turner
  3. Corbett
  4. Bye
  5. Angell
  6. Hendy
  7. Clark
  8. Clilverd
  9. Surry
  10. Riccio
  11. Parry
  12. Surry
  13. Johnson
  14. Doggett
  15. Taylor
  16. Larrimore
  17. Ascott
  18. Douglas

Come on you Maids!