Maids v Newton Abbott (away)

Maids v Newton Abbott (away)

Well, the less said about last week’s performance, the better. Fair play to Weston Super Mare, who turned up to Braywick, with an effective game plan, which was executed perfectly, and they deservedly won on the day. We wish them all the best for the rest of the season and have no doubt they will climb the table if they keep performing like that.

One of the best things about rugby, is being able to get back on the park a week later, and right some wrongs, which is exactly what Maids will be looking to do, as they travel to Newton Abbott. The ‘All Whites’ as they are known, have had a similar start to that of Weston this season- lots of close losses, but last week was a wake-up call, and all in the Maids camp know that nobody can be taken lightly in this league, especially a side featuring a former Premiership winner in Matt Jess, who is player/coach of the home side and very much a talisman for them. Former Plymouth Albion and Brixham fly half Tom Putt is likely to start, so discipline will be absolutely key for Maidenhead, as will the centre partnership of Hannigan and Keohane, who will be tasked with keeping Jess, and the dangerous Kevin Dennis at inside centre, quiet.

For Maids, this week sees new boy Niall Crosley revert to his favoured wing position, and he is the feature of this weeks’ player interview, where he took his sweet time to mumble some half-arsed answers for us;


Name: Niall Crosley

Nickname(s)- ‘Ginge’, ‘Naz’, ‘Rowan’, ‘Linebreak’, ‘Frank the Tank’, ‘Shiv’s punchbag’, ‘BGN’, ‘Beta Ginge’.

Position(s)- Fullback/Wing/Centre

Strengths- Initiations, taking punches, Johnny B Good, sun burn.

Weaknesses- Chat, linebreaks, dildo-hands, pre-game presentation, bus drivers, domestic abuse.

Occupation- Sitting in the office at London Irish in decent stash, listening to Ainsley Campbell talk garbage, wishing I’d got a proper coaching job.

If you could be any of your teammates, who would you be and why? Olly Foxley because he’s the real Alpha Male.

Which teammate would you least like to have over for dinner? Pumba, but if he knocks me out, I’ll forgive him.

What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? learning self-defence, asking Parrott about meet times and getting kicked off London buses.

Tell us something we don’t know about you- I have the current world record for amount of Pukka Pies eaten in 5 minutes (7.5).

What are your aspirations for this season? To make a linebreak, and help the team get promoted.

Big Don Birch enjoying his latest holiday

The Maids lads will be eagerly awaiting the identity of the coach driver tomorrow morning, and all are hopeful of the return of ‘Afghani Annie’, who did a sterling job on the way back from Exmouth, even stopping the bus on the motorway, to give the boys more time away from their WAGS. Big Don Birch is delighted with how his week has gone- after successfully getting parking tickets on the players’ cars and taking a cut from the council, he further boosted his coffers by selling lineout calls to Newton Abbott, and even managed to drive away Prinny for a few days by turning off the Becks.

Scott Prince is back in the 1st XV, after guaranteeing that his Mrs would be present at all home games he features in, and there is also a return to the squad for Ed Keohane, whose new wife has already had enough of his incoherent mumblings on honeymoon, compounded by the hogging of the karaoke machine every night, for his renditions of ‘A Little Respect’. Ryan Long continues his absence from the squad, he is currently a contestant on BBC’s ‘The Apprentice’, where he hopes to convince Lord Sugar that his Maids RFC- themed nightclub coaches which only travel between Maids and Devon, are worthy of his investment. ‘Shuggs’ is receptive to the idea, but is struggling with Longy’s preferred method of communication, the shrug, something they are trying to overcome. Ted Keohane has had a cracking week on the terraces, storming the pitch at West Ham in a Scream mask, and then hitting Neil Lennon with a coin at the Edinburgh derby on Wednesday, he misses out on the trip to Newton Abbott, owing to bail conditions.

Everyone at the club would like to extend their sincere thanks to Tom King, who, after sustaining his latest in a long line of shoulder injuries, has taken the decision to retire from rugby. Since coming to Braywick last season, Tom has been a huge asset to Maids- his hard-hitting, no-nonsense approach to the game has seen him win multiple man of the match awards, and his contribution to the club off the pitch (mainly on the bus trips), has been highly entertaining. We have loved having Tom as part of the squad at Braywick, and just wish it had been for a little longer. We wish him all the best, and hope he comes down to support when he can. Always a part of the Maids family Kingy!

Maids team (caps in brackets):

  1. M Parrott (c) (188)
  2. M Darlington (28)
  3. L Jones (85)
  4. S Churchyard (81)
  5. A Berry (8)
  6. L Leonard (30)
  7. W Macaulay (41)
  8. D Cole (25)
  9. C Morgan (4)
  10. W Runciman (27)
  11. S Prince (38)
  12. R Hannigan (31)
  13. E Keohane (110)
  14. N Crosley (7)
  15. O Foxley (6)
  16. A Darlington (28
  17. T Muil (9)
  18. A Lubbock (9)

Come on you Maids!



Maids v Weston (home)

Maids v Weston (home)

For the second week in a row, Maids have the comfort of playing in front of a home crowd, and will be hoping to claw back some ground on league leaders Bournemouth, who now sit top of the pile, clear by 4 points. Bournemouth face a tricky trip away to the Forest of Dean to play league new boys Drybrook, who showed what a good side they are, losing very narrowly away at Barnstaple 25-20 last week, after consecutive wins over Old Pats and then away at Newton Abbott.

Maids are under no illusions as to the danger that visitors, Weston Super-Mare pose this Saturday, despite their lowly league position. ‘The Seasiders’ ran Ivybridge very close recently, losing just 24-20 away from home, and they have also had to face the other top teams in the division, Bournemouth and Barnstaple, so despite sitting currently sitting in 13th, they are a better side than the table suggests.

It could prove to be a fascinating contest upfront this week- both packs have dominant scrums, both teams are skippered by the loose head props- Sam Coles for Weston, and Parrott for Maids, whilst the 2 number 8s- Brad Talbot for the away team, and Dave Cole for the home side both score plenty of tries. Weston are missing second row Andy Glen from last weeks’ home defeat to Brixham, he is replaced by Callum Kingscott, whilst former Saints player, and now Player/Coach, Glen Dickson, is replaced at fly half by young George Chapman. He will be partnered at half back by new signing, New Zealander, Kadin Brocks.

For Maids, there are a few changes, some enforced, some not, but we decided to focus on young ‘Sex Bomb’ Max Roddick, who is enjoying a consistent spell in the first XV, after a season that was somewhat hampered by injury last year.

Name- Max Roddick

Nickname(s)- “Maxy”, “Roddiculous”, “Poppet”, “Stuart Little”, “Churchy’s Plaything”, “Jailbait”

Position(s)- Full back/Wing/tied up in Churchy’s bedroom

Occupation- Market Research

Weaknesses- Market Research, height, weight, speed, strength, footsize, replying to texts.

Strengths- Flirting, shaking my toosh for the boys, not scoring, chop tackling.

If you could be any of your teammates, who would you be and why? I’d be Jaryd Robinson, he’s fast enough to run away from Predators, and is really good at Kapadi.

Which teammate would you least like to have over for dinner? Adam Lubbock- my Mum would see his snake charming trick, fall in love with him, and before I knew it, my Dad would be out the door, Lubbs would be my Stepdad and be putting me in all his Insta stories.

What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? Being sexy.

Tell us something we don’t know about you- I was in Eastenders, as Ben Mitchell, when I was a baby.

What are your aspirations for this season? Promotion, learn how to kick, get a rig like the Fox.


Andy ‘The Toe’ Darlington has ducked the second consecutive game against a strong scrummaging side and has travelled to Edinburgh for a weekend of selfies with his girlfriend, he is replaced at tight head by Lewis Jones who is buzzing with anticipation for the biggest event of his calendar on Wednesday evening- trick or treating on Halloween. Laurence Leonard returns to England, after assisting Donald Trump with making some pipe bombs, and he’ll join up with the 2s over at Amersham, whilst Rorie ‘The Cow’ Hannigan will just show up on Saturday midday, oblivious as to which team he is playing in, and where. Ed Keohane is off to ignore his new wife on honeymoon for a week, concentrating on trolling on social media, and sourcing new content for the Whatsapp group, interrupted only by the odd mumble, and awkward pose for a few photos.

With the impending Halloween Party on Saturday night at the club, rumours are growing of a repeat performance from a certain ‘Zorro’, who may make an appearance in light of Ellie Birch’s friend joining the party, so, please all make sure changing room 3 is clean and tidy after the games.


Weston team:

1.       S Coles (c)

2.       M Hocking

3.       O Streeter

4.       C Kingscott

5.       A Russell

6.       T Sugg

7.       D Spelman

8.       B Talbot

9.       K Brocks

10.   G Chapman

11.   A Howman

12.   M Nel

13.   C Maslen

14.   H Morgan

15.   R Mckay

16.   T Hocking

17.   M Turton

18.   R Bennett


Maids team (caps in brackets):

1.       M Parrott (c) (187)

2.       M Darlington (27)

3.       L Jones (84)

4.       S Churchyard (80)

5.       A Berry (7)

6.       T Muil (8)

7.       W Macaulay (40)

8.       D Cole (24)

9.       C Morgan (3)

10.   W Runciman (26)

11.   M Roddick (17)

12.   R Hannigan (30)

13.   N Crosley (6)

14.   A Lubbock (8)

15.   O Foxley (5)

16.   S Rawsthorne (2)

17.   O Langstone (1)

18.   P Jansen (81)


Come on you Maids!

Maids v Ivybridge (home)

Maids v Ivybridge (home)

After a much needed week off, rugby returns this week to Braywick, as the 1st XV welcome unbeaten Ivybridge, whilst the BBO 2nd XV face local rivals Windsor. Maids were unlucky to return from Exmouth empty handed 2 weeks ago- a couple of missed kicks at goal, a dropped ball over the line, unfortunate key early injuries compounded an already depleted side through unavailability, but full credit to Steve Perry’s Cockles, who play their pitch and conditions well, and shut us out in the 2nd half with some excellent defence to prevail 22-14.

‘The Bridgers’, will be more familiar with the surface at Maids than most others, having had their own AGP installed over summer, and they’ve certainly adjusted to it well, winning all 4 of their home games, plus 2 impressive away victories at Cleve and Exeter Uni as well. Weston have come closest so far to ending Ivybridge’s winning run, narrowly losing 24-20 last time out, which will no doubt give Maids hope that they can be the ones to inflict their first defeat of the season.

Ivy have begun the season with a new skipper, full back Charlie Briant taking over the reins from tighthead prop Matt Finn, who won his 200th cap in his last game, a fine achievement. He will be joined in the front row this week by hooker Jay Geraty, and young loose head Wes Vermigle, in place of the absent Jon Morgan. Billy Pinkus on the wing is one to watch out for, he currently leads the points scoring charts, and is very much a marksman goal kicker, so the home side’s discipline will have to be of the highest standard.

Maids have a few returnees this week, but it is one of the only 3 players to have played every game this season so far that we spoke to this week, to learn a little more about. The mysterious, highly sexually-charged, curious Todd Muil took a break from his busy schedule to mumble a few words to us for this weeks’ player interview.

*Name – Todd Muil

*Nickname(s) – ‘Ross’, ‘Brad’, ‘Hot Toddy’, ‘Rowdy Toddy Piper’, ‘Yah’, ‘Jari Litmanen’

*Position(s) – 1, 2, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8

*Strengths – not giving into peer pressure, heterosexuality, penguin CPR, Andy Berry.

*Weaknesses – sipping pints, looking after big G, general conversation, my brother’s girlfriend Charlie.

*Occupation – I’ve returned to my old school in my gap year, to see if I have a bit more luck with the 6th form girls now.

*If you could be any of your teammates, who would you be and why? Oli Foxley- his abs are so good they make up for him being ginger and would turn most men the other way, but not me, I’m South African with a heart of stone.

*Which teammate would you least like to have round for dinner? I’d say Myke Parrott- he’s 166 days into being the most boring bloke I’ve ever met.

*What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? Photography. Particularly through the keyhole photography into my brother’s room, when Charlie is round.

*Tell us something we don’t know about you – I got beaten up by the police in Portugal. They may have broken my bones, but never my spirit.

*What are your aspirations for this season? To play every position in the forwards, and top the league getting promotion.


Poor Jaryd Robinson has come down with a severe case of ‘Ellie-ache’, so continues his rehab for another couple of weeks, whilst Mikey Davies slots into the vacant wing spot after returning from a poaching holiday in Kenya with Big Don Birch, who has now taken 12 weeks’ holiday this year alone. Andy Darlington has finally succumbed to the vicious ‘Turf Toe’ injury sustained earlier in the season, and will be comfort eating in Gourmet Chicken for the weekend. He has been replaced in the 1st XV by the latest addition to the sandpit crew, Sam ‘Travis’ Rawsthorne who has somehow got himself a proper job this week, after Andy Berry kindly completed his job application and wrote (lied on) his CV for him.  Lawrence Leonard has disappeared with his imaginary girlfriend home to Ireland for the week, so misses out, whilst Olly Foxley makes a timely recovery from fake tan poisoning to stay at full back.


Sam Churchyard enters the weekend as a shadow of his former-self; the trepidation of what his wife Amy might get up to at Ladies’ Lunch, paralyzing the poor man with fear, whilst Niall Crosley won’t be removing his gumshield after the game until Siobhan is sober on Sunday lunchtime.


Finally, all at the club would like to wish some of our recent injured players a speedy recovery- Sam Hallett, Andy McGregor, Umar Marriott and Tom King will be out a while longer yet, and Eric Blewitt last match received the news that he is sadly out for the season. We wish you boys the very best and hope to see you back in magenta soon!


Ivybridge team:


1.       W Vermigle

2.       J Geraty

3.       M Finn

4.       G Wilson

5.       J Sloan

6.       P Abraham

7.       A Northcott

8.       R Luscombe

9.       B Watts

10.   L Martell

11.   H Legg

12.   M Grieveson

13.   L Paterson

14.   B Pinkus

15.   C Briant

16.   M Prout

17.   N Davies

18.   D Ackerman


Maids team (caps in brackets):


1.       M Parrott (c) (186)

2.       M Darlington (26)

3.       L Jones (83)

4.       S Churchyard (79)

5.       A Berry (6)

6.       T Muil (7)

7.       R Long (124)

8.       D Cole (23)

9.       C Morgan (2)

10.   W Runciman (25)

11.   M Davies (28)

12.   E Keohane (109)

13.   N Crossley (5)

14.   M Roddick (15)

15.   O Foxley (4)

16.   S Rawsthorne (1)

17.   W Macaulay (40)

18.   A Lubbock (7)


Come on you Maids!



Maids v Exeter Uni (home)

Maids v Exeter Uni (home)

Away from home, on grass, outside of Berkshire, we won a game! Not only did we win, but we won well, against a tough Drybrook side, who are certainly not in this league to make up the numbers. The feeling from inside the camp, is that this Maids side is different to that of previous years, and the mature performance at ‘The Mannings’ a week ago, to seal a 29-7 win is hopefully the start of much improved performances on the road this season.

This week, we face another unknown quantity, with the visit of Exeter University to Braywick, in what is believed to be the first meeting between the sides. The Students have had an admirable start to life in South West Premier, winning their opening two matches against Drybrook and Weston, before narrow losses against Exmouth and Ivybridge. We know little about our opposition this week, but match reports suggest they play for 80 mins, often ending games strongly, so the boys in magenta should be prepared for lots of running!

Talking of running, one man who does all he can to avoid any such exertion is the infamous David Cole, who managed to spare 10 minutes from his privileged unemployment to send back some half-arsed answers for this weeks’ player interview…

*Name – David Cole

*Nickname(s) – Coley, ‘The Slug’, ‘The Flake’, Flakey, Roger Dodger

*Position(s) – Backrow, but not 6 or 7.

*Strengths – Helping us keep our width, scoring hat-tricks, scrummaging, dodging work, sneaking home early.

*Weaknesses – Commitment, work, receiving headbutts, initiations, Rob’s warm ups. *It was at this point in the interview that Flakey declared he “didn’t have time” to do the rest, and needed a 3 hour break, before continuing.

*Occupation – Dog sitter

*If you could be any of your teammates, who would you be and why? I would most like to be Eric Blewitt- he never seems to know what’s happening, and is always happy and positive because of this, like a little special needs Labrador puppy.

*Which teammate would you least like to have round for dinner? Lawrence Leonard, despite having a ‘girlfriend’, he’d soon get tanked up and try to drag me to the Honeypot.

*What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? Slouching

*Tell us something we don’t know about you – I used to have a job.

*What are your aspirations for this season? To bulk up, get a reply from Big Don and get promoted.


Ed Keohane hasn’t argued with the coaches once this week, so keeps his place at inside centre, whilst ‘Cow Head’, Rorie Hannigan hasn’t been heard from since Sunday 2pm, when trying to instigate fights over Whatsapp. On the subject of Whatsapp, the “Slag’s Supper” group is in full force, with the WAGs dangerously close to organizing their next social, featuring 5pm puking, 6pm tears and 7pm break-ups. Club pervert, Mike Andrew is taking full advantage of Don Birch’s absence this week, with his eyes glued to the CCTV set up in the changing rooms, ably assisted by Jockstrap John who last week proclaimed that he has ‘killed a dog’ and once ‘knocked out a horse with one punch’.


Mark Childerhouse was due to be rested this week, but Daddy intervened and put a tab behind the bar for Boughy, so he keeps his place, while Lewis Jones retains his place in the squad, because nobody else has a speaker for the changing room. Welcome back to Alex French, who starts on the wing for the 2s this week- he’ll be desperate to get over that white line and bag a couple of scores and stake a claim for a 1st team spot next week.


Maids team (caps in brackets):

1.       M Parrott (c) (184)

2.       M Darlington (24)

3.       A Darlington (26)

4.       S Churchyard (78)

5.       R Long (122)

6.       T Muil (5)

7.       W Macaulay (38)

8.       D Cole (21)

9.       M Childerhouse (107)

10.   W Runciman (23)

11.   E Blewitt (16)

12.   E Keohane (108)

13.   N Crosley (3)

14.   M Roddick (15)

15.   O Foxley (2)

16.   L Jones (81)

17.   L Leonard (27)

18.   M Davies (26)


Come on you Maids!


Maids v Drybrook (away)

Maids v Drybrook (away)

One thing that can never be said about watching Maids play at Braywick, is that supporters don’t get their money’s worth. In a game of 15 tries and 95 points last week, Maids used an early season get out of jail free card against a Cleve side who belied their lowly league position. Their backline in particular, seemed to relish the AGP, and after scoring three quick-fire tries at the beginning of the 2nd half, they had well and truly put their side in control. Fortunately, Maids, especially at home, don’t know when they are beaten. The pack turned the screw upfront, to bring them within 4 points of their opponents, and then with just a minute remaining, Dave Cole crashed over off the back of a scrum to seal the win, ably assisted by the magnificent boot of Ed Keohane, which succeeded in 7/7 attempts at goal.

This week, Maids are back on the road, travelling to the Forest of Dean, to take on league new boys Drybrook. After winning SW1 West last season, ahead of play off winners Exeter Uni, they’ve made an admirable start to life in the division, beating Exmouth at home, which has been sandwiched by away losses at Exeter Uni and Ivybridge respectively. Drybrook will know that home form is key to their survival in South West Prem this season, and will be targeting this week as an opportunity to get some points on the board. They are a young side, led by the impressive Ben Large, who recently won Rugby World’s Amateur Player of the Year- a fantastic accolade for the young Drybrook skipper, who is likely to play at 12 or 13 this week. At fly half, they have Tim Stevenson, who is an accomplished goal kicker, and he will no doubt be tasked with keeping the scoreboard ticking over for the home team.

Maidenhead will be delighted to welcome back some key players this week, Olly Foxley returns from severe sunburn incurred in the September sunshine, and Niall Crosley is back after concussion, after his Mrs belted him, for stealing her KFC. We caught up with one of the few players to emerge with credit from last week’s game, ‘The Cow’, Rorie Hannigan, to gather his thoughts…

*Name; Rorie Hannigan

*Nickname(s); Cow, Cow Head, The Cow, Rodman, Rodman Hangoon, Resh, Rozza, The Wanderer.

*Position(s); 12

*Strengths; Thick skull for head butting, laugh volume, fish hooking, 2am videos, mooing.

*Weaknesses; run like a dressage horse, pace, mobile phones, coming home on time.

*Occupation; Grass Muncher/Cow Patter/Head of Systems

*If you could be any of your teammates, who would you be and why? It would be amazing to be Big Gay Bez, after seeing his Spider Pig on the way back from Camborne. If I could that, you wouldn’t be able to stop me- I’d be Spider Pig at work, at home, rugby, everywhere.

*Which teammate would you least like to have round for dinner? Kingy, he’s got an addiction to strangling people, though I might do that to myself if he starts spouting his liberal, left-wing, hippy crap.

*What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? I thoroughly enjoy laying thick cow pats and filling my car up with petrol and asking someone else to pay for it.

*Tell us something we don’t know about you- I once did a poo in Davina McCall’s shoe.

*What are your aspirations for this season? Stay injury free throughout the season, assist the team in getting those vital away wins which will help us build on last year and knock Kingy out.


Dave Cole is touch and go to be ready by kick off, after Russ Bolton sent him for a run around the posts for telling a Cranton joke, whilst Don Birch has agreed to let Lewis Jones play, after he kindly offered to pay his subs in £1 weekly installments, to be finally settled in 2021. It’s a warm welcome back to Ryan Long this week, who delayed his comeback from injury last Saturday, so he could be at the club’s Ladies’ Day, whilst Will Macaulay is another returnee, and he will be starting at openside flanker, now the Bowls season is finished.

Moroccan Martin will be tasked with navigating the bus, and has sensibly set aside 4 hours for the 90 minute journey, but in the best interests of his sanity, has instructed Boughy to refrain from drinking Stella until post 11am. Sam Hallett is delighted to be out injured, which means he can focus on shoplifting for the next few Saturdays, whilst Tom King is now able to concentrate on his primary hobby, hooliganism again, under the tutelage of Ted Keohane. Alex French has food poisoning, from a dodgy baguette, but should be bag in the mix next week.


Maids team (caps in brackets):


1.       M Parrott (c) (183)

2.       M Darlington (23)

3.       A Darlington (25)

4.       A Berry (4)

5.       S Churchyard (77)

6.       T Muil (4)

7.       W Macaulay (37)

8.       D Cole (20)

9.       M Childerhouse (106)

10.   W Runciman (22)

11.   E Blewitt (15)

12.   E Keohane (107)

13.   N Crosley (2)

14.   M Roddick (14)

15.   O Foxley (1)

16.   L Jones (80)

17.   R Long (121)

18.   R Hannigan (29)


Come on you Maids!


Maids v Cleve (home)

Maids v Cleve (home)

It’s back to home comforts this week for Maids, who returned from Cornwall last week, desperately disappointed at coming away with just a losing bonus point, which the whole squad feel was much less than they deserved. An awkward bounce of the ball away from clinching the game at the death was tough to take, but in truth, Maids should have been have been home and dry by that point. However, credit must go to a determined home side, who came flying out of the blocks after half time, and undid Maids with a superb 15 minute spell at the start of the 2nd period. We wish Camborne well for the rest of the season, they are superb hosts, and we look forward to welcoming them to Braywick in December.


Returning to Braywick this week, for the visit of Cleve, Maids are bolstered by a few returnees from unavailability and injury, so will be full of confidence against a side who have lost their opening two games. There are various new names in the Cleve team this year, including former Championship hooker, Dean Brooker, who has represented both Cornish Pirates and Plymouth Albion previously. The Bristol-based side are missing influential skipper, Mike Uren, and also Navy fly half, Nathan Huntley, but 2nd row James Fahey does play, and he will captain the side in Uren’s absence.


For the boys in magenta, it’s been a good week of training, and in an extremely exciting development, for the first time in the club’s history, and what we believe to be a unique set up, the club will field two 2nd XVs, as well as the 1st XV. The ‘Brooks XV’, fielded primarily with Maids youngsters and ex-Colts will travel to Newbury, to play their 2nd XV, whilst the ‘Penguins XV’ travel to Camberley for their fixture. Whilst many clubs are lessening their commitment to 2nd XV rugby, and struggling to field sides, we are immensely proud that we are increasing our commitment and offering more players quality playing opportunities.


In the 1s this week, we welcome back Dave Cole, Mike Davies and Ed Keohane, whilst Kieran Grey reverts to the bench, with Mark Childerhouse assuming his normal position of scrum half. The front 3 of Parrott and the Darlington brothers stays the same, whilst Berry switches to the 2nd row, to partner Sam Hallett, who is delighted to be the feature of this week’s interview…


*Name – Sam Hallett

*Nickname(s) – Sally Helmet, Sally, Schem, Karol Poborsky.

*Position(s) – Bit of a utility forward actually and extremely versatile, being able to play at both 4 and 5.

*Strengths – “Riding on Sally” on the bus, thieving, breaking roofs, goose-stepping, pony tails, getting banned from coach companies, and performing a mean rendition of “A Whole New World” by Aladdin.

*Weaknesses – New drug habit, shoe shopping, pace, Bad Boys, and I’ve got a face like a bag of spanners.

*Occupation – My main earner is Stag Do’s, I offer ‘a night out with Karol Poborsky’, where I’m usually chained to a Chelsea fan and spat at. That and robbing.

*If you could be any of your teammates, who would you be and why? Laurence Leonard for sure, he has that whole ‘is he, isn’t he?’ thing going on, which really works for him, and I love IRA pikeys.

*Which teammate would you least like to have round for dinner? I’d have to say Dave Cole. Lovely chap, but he’d arrive late, wouldn’t bring a bottle, would eat the majority of the offerings, and then slope off before the washing up commences.

*What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? As mentioned earlier, I love pikeys, so when I get the chance, I put on my big thieving coat, and go down to Tesco to see what’s on offer.

*Tell us something we don’t know about you – I once had a game of chess with Stephen Fry.

*What are your aspirations for this season? I’d like to try and out Coley from he club- grabbing too many headlines in the Advertiser that lad.


With Russ Bolton opting to travel with the Penguins to Camberley this week, Zoran Higgins will lead the 1st XV tomorrow, and fortunately started his half time team talk last night, so should be finished just in time for the 2nd period. Coach driver from last week, Moroccan Martin had such a good time on the lash with Umar Marriott after the game last week, that he’ll be attending Ladies’ Day at the club, along with new squeeze, ‘Kenyan Kim’. Scott Prince misses out, after injuring his shoulder, jumping into the Thames to rescue younger brother Drew, who celebrated his 18th this week by running into local restaurants slapping bar staff and bouncers, before jumping off Maidenhead Bridge. Jon Cranton will be subject to a late fitness test, with suspected ‘Turnip Cheek’, suffered on the bus last week, whilst the alleged assailant, Tom King has already earmarked the bush he’ll be stashing his phone, wallet, keys, kit bag, life savings and family jewellery in, this weekend.


Luckily, Max Roddick has recovered from ‘internal’ injuries, sustained after sharing a room with Sambo Churchyard last week, and the perfectly gorgeous little poppet, will start on the wing, with Mikey Davies back in in at full back after finishing 3rd in the kite-flying competition he took part in last Saturday, instead of playing rugby.


Cleve team:


  1. L Appleton
    2. D Brooker
    3. P Vinicombe
    4. J Fahey (c)
    5. T Jerrum
    6. C McCann
    7. H Johnson
    8. H Croghan
    9. J Mortimore
    10. L Kirk
    11. M Baker
    12. H Owens
    13. B Kislingbury
    14. P Tucker
    15. J Hall

    16. J Rye
    17. L Bartlett
    18. M Limmer

Maids team, caps in brackets:

  1. M Parrott (c) (182)
  2. M Darlington (22
  3. A Darlington (24)
  4. S Hallett (27)
  5. A Berry (3)
  6. T Muil (3)
  7. T King (14)
  8. D Cole (19)
  9. M Childerhouse (105)
  10. A Lubbock (5)
  11. E Blewitt (14)
  12. R Hannigan (28)
  13. E Keohane (106)
  14. M Roddick (14)
  15. M Davies (25)
  16. S Churchyard (76)
  17. L Leonard (26)
  18. K Grey (2)

Come on you Maids!

Maids v Camborne (away)

Maids v Camborne (away)

As with last season, Maids begin their travels, with the furthest one of the year, making the long trek down to the South West, to face the Cherry and Whites, Camborne. In the opening fixture of SW Premier last campaign, Camborne streaked ahead in the 2nd half, to lead by 17 points, which was nearly overturned in a valiant last quarter for the lads, but alas they come up just short, losing out 30-27.

Star of the show that day, was no doubt fly half Dave Mankee, who put on a kicking masterclass and put his side in key positions that day, and Camborne will no doubt be looking to him to control proceedings for them this week. Outside of him, centres Jake Champion and Declan Matthews will both be a threat, whilst Jon Drew upfront at tight head will lead the team as skipper.

Although happy with a bonus point win, Maids will be disappointed at conceding 28 points to Brixham, in a game in which they dominated, and in all honesty, never really looked like not winning. As is the case with most teams at this level, when chances came their way, they took them, and got points on the board.

Despite having all summer to plan their diaries, various members of the squad are unavailable this week, and coupled with some fresh injuries, there is a much-changed line up which will don the magenta shirts for this fixture. Moving up from the 2nd row, to take his place at number 8 this week, to replace Dave ‘The Flake’ Cole, is the one and only, Big Gay Bez, Andy Berry, who we spoke to this week, in an attempt to learn a little more about the mysterious red-headed sleep-enthusiast.

*Name – Andy Berry

*Nickname(s) – Bez, Bezza, Big Gay Bez, BGB, Dale, Winnie.

*Position(s) – Hybrid 5/6/8/12

*Strengths – Sleep, weight loss, jigsaw puzzles, prank phone calls to Dom.

*Weaknesses – Beer, hair colour, complexion, sunlight.

*Occupation – Sales Manager

*If you could be any of your teammates, who would you be and why? Foxley, he makes rugby look easy, and he seems to have integrated into the squad with far greater ease than I have. Maybe I’ve picked up some of Eric’s weird social habits.

*Which teammate would you least like to have round for dinner? I’d go for my inferior ginger colleague, Niall Crosley- I’ve already got sore knees from carrying him and the rest of the backs last weekend.

*What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? Golf, canoeing, playing with the Darlos, constructing model aeroplanes and trolling Myke Parrott in Whatsapp groups.

*Tell us something we don’t know about you – I passed my motorbike test this week, which means I can soon travel to and from training without listening to Andy Darlo moan about lineouts.

*What are your aspirations for this season? Maintain best ginger centre at the club status, win some silverware and avoid being seated next to Jockstrap John on the coach.


Unfortunately, after various driving and drugs offences, last season’s coach driver, Somalian Sam has been deported, to be replaced by Moroccan Martin, who will also double up as the club’s emergency physio, for when Mandingo Ali doesn’t bother getting out of bed. Luckily, Sam Churchyard and his weird hiking crew have raised enough cash to pay for his shoes and driving license. Eric Blewitt is a doubt for the game, having suffered a panic attack at the thought of having to socialize for 6 hours on the coach back, whilst Will Runciman is away for the weekend, with Alex French shopping for a new bag. Lawrence Leonard will be the sole squad member not wearing the new stash, after selling it to help settle his bill from the Honeypot last week, but still owes Chief Pimp, Umar Marriott £2k for his ‘upstairs activity’ with Tom King.

Maids team (caps in brackets)


1.       M Parrott (c) (181)

2.       M Darlington (21)

3.       A Darlington (23)

4.       S Hallett (26)

5.       L Leonard (25)

6.       T Muil (2)

7.       T King (13)

8.       A Berry (2)

9.       K Grey (debut)

10.   A Lubbock (4)

11.   M Childerhouse (104)

12.   R Hannigan (27)

13.   E Blewitt (13)

14.   S Prince (37)

15.   M Roddick (13)

16.   U Marriott (6)

17.   S Churchyard (75)

18.   J Cranton (5)


Come on you Maids!