Maids v Newbury (home)

Maids v Newbury (home)

After a much-welcomed week off for the 1st XV last round, the boys are back in action, and back at Braywick, as newly-promoted Newbury Blues, make the relatively short jaunt across Berkshire. Registering just a solitary victory so far this campaign, the Blues will be desperately hoping to get their season back on track, after a disappointing 28-16 home loss to bottom team, Launceston last Saturday.

Toby Holland at outside centre is one of various changes in the Blues side this week, and is part of an exciting backline, that also features the returning Jamie Futcher on the wing, replacing James Lewis, who drops to the bench. Dan Thorne skippers the side from number 12, and it’s his left peg which has been the source of so many points for the visitors already this term.

Upfront, the influential Kyle Doel misses out, so Josh Winfield moves from the back row to lock, and Jack Walsh takes his place at blindside, with the other change at hooker, which sees experienced Robbie Drysdale start alongside Hicks and Macaulay.

It is a much-changed Maidenhead team that run out this week, after the nail-biting victory at Launceston, and one lad making his first start in over a year, after injury, is former Maids Colt, Jack Hill. The hippie-bashing, right-winged, bin bag enthusiast has enjoyed a busy week, beating up Extinction Rebellion activists with his Dad, but he had a quick break this morning, so answered a few questions for us…


Name- Jack Hill

Nicknames- “Hilly”, “2 pill Hill”, “ Amber Hill’s brother”, “Tommy Robinson”.

Occupation- Bin bag Social Secretary, and currently trying to defraud people into buying holidays off me. Amber Hill’s brother.

Position- 9. Mrs is a 10.

Biggest rugby achievement to date- playing 3 consecutive games of rugby, having a run out at Twickenham with Berkshire under 20s.

Favourite food- anything British- fry ups, sausage and mash, pie and chips. Nothing foreign.

Dream Woman/Man- Tommy Robinson or Nigel Farage.

Which Maids teammate would you least like to be stuck in a lift with and why? Simsim and Laurence Leonard. The sooner Boris the Great gets this Brexit deal done, the better. Sick of these Jolly Foreigners coming over here and complaining about me and my Dad’s racist football chants at midnight on a Monday.

What do you want to achieve this season? Try to stay injury free, and avoid any other players nicking my girlfriend.


Dave ‘Calories’ Cole, who picked up Man of the Match against Launceston, after a fabulous display of walking rugby, keeps his place, and will have Ross Muil and Will Macaulay doing his running for him this week, after they both missed the last fixture, through mild heartilage strains. Olly Foxley is back starting at full back, after impressing Head Coach, Mobbs at the Maidenhead Festival last weekend, where he starred for the under 8s, and Eric Blewitt returns from Polish International duty to start on the wing.

Andy Berry was delighted to be back in training on Tuesday, after struggling to find anything to whinge about, with no game last Saturday, and he’ll pack down in the 2nd row with Sam Churchyard, who has managed to get his picture on the front of the programme after emailing Boughy and Gareth directly, and going over Geoff Cowen’s head…

Laurence ‘Bin Juice’ Leonard, continues to fleece his local club in Ireland, and for some reason they still pay for him to fly back every weekend. At least he doesn’t have a girlfriend to worry about now, after his recent squeeze Kerrie, not only ditched him, but then deleted all evidence of ever even knowing him (check out her Instagram). In the kitchen, Big Dom Birch will be hoping his latest new recruit, ‘Chef Gary’, lasts longer than Spicy Roger, who still maintains medium rare is the best way to serve fried pork chops.

We extend a warm welcome back to Mark Darlington, who makes his long-awaited return from injury, starting at hooker, and would like to say a massive congratulations to Sam Churchyard, who earns his 100th 1st XV cap. Well done Churchy, here’s to many more!

“100 caps- congratulations Churchy”

Maids team (caps in brackets)

  1. M Parrott (c) (204)
  2. M Darlington (37)
  3. E Mandozzi (17)
  4. S Churchyard (100)
  5. A Berry (28)
  6. R Muil (38)
  7. W Macaulay (57)
  8. D Cole (47)
  9. J Hill (31)
  10. W Runciman (44)
  11. S Prince (57)
  12. E Keohane (118)
  13. B Mitchell (3)
  14. G Blewitt (21)
  15. O Foxley (18)
  16. D Hostetler (6)
  17. S Hallett (33)
  18. N Crossley (28)


Newbury team:

  1. B Hicks
  2. R Drysdale
  3. J Macaulay
  4. A Neal
  5. J Winfield
  6. J Walsh
  7. D Stewart
  8. A Millar
  9. T Hunt
  10. A Bancroft
  11. J Futcher
  12. D Thorne
  13. T Holland
  14. H North
  15. T Thorne
  16. G Robinson-Slater
  17. C Bird
  18. J Lewis


Come on you Maids!

Maidenhead v Launceston (away)

Maidenhead v Launceston (away)

It’s another long trip down to the South West for Maids this week, as they travel to newly-promoted Launceston, who earned their place in South West Premier, by way of a play-off win against Old Centralians last term. It’s been a tough start to life back at level 5 for the Cornishmen, who have been on the wrong side of three consecutive heavy losses already, but fresh from a week off, and back at home, playing in front of the Polson Bridge faithful, the Cornish All Blacks will be hopeful of securing their first win.

Player Coach, Ryan Westren has plenty of Championship experience, from time with London Scottish and Cornish Pirates, and the ball-carrying centre will be one to watch for the All Blacks this weekend. There is a first start of the season for full back, Tom Sandercock, who scored a midweek hat trick for the 2nd team, but last year’s player of the season, Reuben Edwards misses out. Upfront, Dan Goldsmith is a former Cornwall under 20s lock, and skipper Lloyd Duke, at openside, brings plenty of experience to the team

Maids know they will have to be much improved from last week, after a dismal, disappointing performance, saw visiting Ivybridge take the spoils, 36-33, of which the less is said the better…

Due to a variety of reasons, there are multiple changes in the Maidenhead squad this week, which gives an opportunity for other squad members to step up, some of whom are returning from injury, and some of who are making welcome returns after periods of absence.

One man making his first appearance for the 1s this season, after returning from injury and impressing for the 2s last week, is Mark Grimshaw, who starts in the number 7 jersey- he kindly agreed to be the feature of this week’s match preview, giving a half-arsed, Dave Cole-esque attempt at answering some questions for us.


Name- Mark Grimshaw

Nickname(s)- Grimmy, Grim Dog, Grim Reaper, Grim Shady.

Occupation- Minority Shareholder, and Non-Exec Director of Sandpit Trading Limited.

Position- Flanker

Former clubs- Tonbridge Juddians, University of Surrey

Biggest rugby achievement to date- Playing at Twickenham in the School’s Cup Final.

Favourite food- Big Dom’s microwave enchiladas.

Dream woman/man- Sally Helmet, when she lets her hair down on the bus and wears nothing but a bin bag.

Which Maids teammate would you least like to be stuck in a lift with and why? Leroy Meek- sick of hearing about his ‘stats’, and the time that Zoran said he played ‘alright’ for someone who is usually crap.

What do you want to achieve this season? Stay injury free for the rest of the season and stop Parrott from flossing with my towel after training.


There is a warm welcome back to the squad for Jack Hill, who has been out of action since the vicious mop attack from Will Crantadden 18 months ago, and he is joined on the bench by another returnee, Andy Darlington, aka Shandy Lazington, who makes his timely return to the squad, just before he goes off on Netherlands duty again, before then ducking training until after bulking season at Xmas. Young tighthead, Elio Mandozzi keeps his starting berth, after impressing against Ivybridge, and the former Maids Colt has been promised an extended play date on the beach, on the way home from Launceston, should Maids record a victory.

After a spate of cow pats were found on car bonnets at the club this week, Rorie ‘Cow Head’ Hannigan has been summoned to yet another club disciplinary, with Geoff Cowen eagerly awaiting more incriminating Facebook photos of him playing for other clubs, so he can ban him permanently this time, whilst Sandpit CEO Levi Meek is in hot water himself this week, after Deputy Manager Owen Langstone caught him trying to read a book. Rumours of discontent continue to grow, as Myles Williams’ divvy brother Max, has returned to the club, in an attempt to remove Meek from power, and take the much-coveted, ‘golden bucket’.


Maids team (caps in brackets):

  1. M Parrott (c) (203)
  2. D Hostetler (5)
  3. E Mandozzi (16)
  4. C Campbell (4)
  5. S Churchyard (99)
  6. A Berry (27)
  7. M Grimshaw (9)
  8. D Cole (46)
  9. J Parkin (5)
  10. D Jones (debut)
  11. S Prince (56)
  12. E Keohane (118)
  13. B Mitchell (2)
  14. N Crossley (27)
  15. W Cowan-Dickie (3)
  16. A Darlington (41)
  17. S Hallett (32)
  18. J Hill (30)


Launceston team:

  1. R Bentham
  2. L Bulut
  3. G Thomas
  4. D Goldsmith
  5. T Clarke
  6. H Lightfoot
  7. L Duke
  8. B Rowley
  9. D Mulberry
  10. G Coles
  11. M Kneebone
  12. R Westren
  13. S Crawford
  14. L Ogilvie
  15. T Sandercock
  16. R Cinnamond
  17. R Carpenter
  18. A Lang


Come on you Maids!

Maids v Ivybridge (home)

Maids v Ivybridge (home)

After 2 consecutive BP wins to start the season, Maids travelled to Exmouth in confident mood last weekend, albeit without Exeter Uni matchwinner Ed Keohane, who was unavailable. After a ding-dong battle of a game, that really could have gone either way, eventually the power of the home side front 5 saw them sneak a win, 32-30, with Maids returning with 2 hard-fought losing bonus points, which may yet prove to be pivotal.

It’s another Devon team up next for Maids, as Ivybridge travel to the Braywick Bowl fresh off the back of a demolition job against Launceston last Saturday, which saw them run out 69-14 victors. Over the last 2 seasons, form has followed the home sides, but Maids will be wary of a young, but dangerous visiting team, who very nearly won at Exmouth on the opening day, before conceding a late try, to draw 17-17.

The familiar faces of Matt Finn, Jon Morgan and Jay Geraty (their new skipper this term) make up the front row, and are a formidable scrummaging unit, which Maids need to be wary of, whilst Scoles and Ackerman on the wings, though diminutive in size, have real pace and will enjoy the AGP surface, which they’ll very much be used to, after having one installed last season.

For Maids this week, earning his 4th consecutive start, is new-boy Joe Parkin, who kindly answered a few questions for this weeks’ match preview:


Name- Joe Parkin

Nickname(s)- Joey, Joey P, JP, Bolo, Sh!tpants, UK Parkin Control.

Occupation- currently shine Chris Campbell’s shoes in the RAF, bring him coffee, make his bed, rub his back etc. He’s a great boss, and he even let me borrow hismobile to call my Mum the other night, to tell her I scored last week.

Position- Scrum half.

Former clubs- Exmouth, Withycombe.

Biggest rugby achievement to date- Playing at Twickenham in the RFU Senior Vase.

Favourite food- Chicken wings. Chris Campbell often leaves quite a bit on the bones, so I get to finish them off when he’s done.

Dream woman/man- Cher

Which Maids teammate would you least like to be stuck in a lift with? Would have to be Craig Lewis- did you know he was in the Army? Boring Pongo. Having my ear chewed off about that is worse than eating a Spicy Roger, bloody pork chop.

What do you want to achieve this season? I’d like my wrist injury to be severe enough to warrant a sleepover at Sharlene’s house.


Elio Mandozzi earns his first start of the season, despite the trouble at Watford ‘Top Golf’ last weekend, which saw the young Molinari hopeful arrested for ‘misuse of course holes’, refusing to remove his beloved Nike football boots, and ‘over-zealous digging’ in the sand bunker, whilst Mexican drug lord, Dan Hostetler starts alongside him at hooker after threatening to kidnap Mobbsy’s family if he didn’t keep his place.

Olly Foxley plays his last game before going away on Scout camp at Longridge for a week, but fellow back 3, Eric Blewitt is away on Polish National duty, which ties in perfectly for supporters Mark Bates and Steve Prince, who can attend the far-right rally on the streets of Warsaw, on Saturday night.


Newly-single Rob Muil misses the game- he travels to Shagaluf Magaluf for a lad’s holiday, hoping his ex-Mrs, Charlie doesn’t find out and he is replaced by Will Macaulay, who was recently hospitalised. Tests showed dangerous levels of cat milk in his system, for which Andy Darlington is currently being investigated by the police. Dave Cole, who chose to watch training from his car last night, coming out at 8.30, claiming to have been ‘at work’ plays at 8, whilst there is a welcome return to the squad for Rorie ‘Cow Head’ Hannigan. After being dumped just a month ago, ‘The Cow’ has moved swiftly to find a replacement, and we all look forward to meeting his new squeeze at Braywick tomorrow- the aptly named, Daisy.


Maids team (caps in brackets):

  1. M Parrott (c) (202)
  2. D Hostetler (4)
  3. E Mandozzi (15)
  4. C Campbell (3)
  5. S Hallett (31)
  6. A Berry (26)
  7. W Macaulay (56)
  8. D Cole (45)
  9. J Parkin (4)
  10. W Runciman (43)
  11. S Prince (55)
  12. E Keohane (117)
  13. N Crosley (26)
  14. B Mitchell (debut)
  15. O Foxley (17)
  16. S Curran (2)
  17. S Churchyard (98)
  18. R Hannigan (32)

Ivybridge team :

  1. J Morgan
  2. J Geraty (c)
  3. M Finn
  4. R Luscombe
  5. M Gilbury
  6. H Dunn
  7. J Kingscott
  8. A Nortcott
  9. B Watts
  10. M Grieveson
  11. D Ackerman
  12. W Lamont
  13. C Briant
  14. T Scoles
  15. D Lilley
  16. W Vermigle
  17. L Richardson
  18. J Toogood

Maids v Exmouth (away)

Maids v Exmouth (away)

Japan v South Africa, 2015, England v Australia 2003, Maidenhead v Exeter University 2019…

What an unbelievable spectacle the Braywick faithful were treated to last Saturday, down at the Bowl. If Rob Howley were a betting man (Definitely not, RFU Regulation 17), then to be trailing the supremely fit Students team by 10 points, with 8 minutes to go, on an AGP in searing heat, then his money would only have been going one way.

This Maids team are made of strong stuff though, and the early June, preseason start really bore fruit, with a strong rally towards the finish, which saw Ed Keohane squeeze over on the last play to tie the game at 43-43, before wonderfully converting from the touchline, to give Maids a 45-43 win, which they arguably deserved, after outscoring the Students, 7 tries to 4.

It is a quite different test for Mobbsy’s Men this weekend, as they make the long trek down the South West to face Exmouth, who come into the game, off the back of a thumping 76-24 victory at Launceston last Saturday. Winger Matt Ryan will be one to watch, after he scored 6 last weekend from the right wing, and fly half George Meadows successfully scored 8 conversions, so discipline will have to be good. Exmouth also feature former Hornets player-coach, Steve Pape in the 2nd row, and he’ll be a key ball-carrier for the Cockles, whilst Dave Bargent at number 8 is always a tough opponent to play against.

Thankfully, there are minimal changes to the Maids side this week, but Dreamboat, Ed Keohane does miss out, being forced to work. Sadly, Levi Meek refused to swap shifts at Lidl, so Keohane is on trolley-collection duty for the afternoon alongside Myles Williamson who has nearly finished his work placement as part of the Borough’s Care in the Community Outreach Programme.

Keeping his place in the back row, is brother of Rod, cousin of Todd, Uncle of Rob, Ross Muil. He took time out from sniffing his perfect girlfriend, Charlie, to give us his thoughts for this weeks’ Match Preview;

Name- Ross Muil

Nickname(s)- Ross Muil, Rob Muil, Rod Muil, Todd Muil, Rossy, Todd’s brother, Charlie Docker’s ex boyfriend.

Occupation- I’m a scrounging, sponging Student masquerading as a full-time worker in Corporate Finance in an attempt to look cool.

Position- Back row, not 2nd row, and if Zoran Higgins picks me there again, then my pal John Boy Tio will tie him up, stick him in the container, and make him listen to his half-time team talks on repeat.

Former clubs- Leeds and Moortown.

Biggest rugby achievement- Being edged out in the Varsity game at Headingly, 51-5 by Leeds Beckett.

Favourite food- lasagne is nice, so are burgers. You don’t need a plate for burgers, which just gives them the edge over lasagne.

Dream Man/Woman- John Boy Tio can sink 2 litres of cider in 2 minutes, I think that’s pretty dreamy.

Which Maids teammate would you least like to be stuck in a lift with, and why? It would have to be Levi Meek, he’d be trying to convince me to join his sandpit crew.

What do you want to achieve this season? I’d like to get on Dave Cole’s good side, he’s so nasty to me, ever since I told Mobbs he was ducking the S & C. I would also like to try and put a stop to the fledgling relationship between my perfect ex, Charlie Docker and Myke Parrott. I have seen firsthand their long-standing explicit history on FB Messenger.

Man of the Match last week and former Cockle, Joe Parkin keeps his place at 9 against his former club, but is now under pressure, with Perry Jansen nearing the end of his annual sabbatical, and due for a return within the next 4-6 weeks. Also close to returns after injury, are the Darlington brothers (next 2 weeks), Jaryd Robinson (2 weeks) and Jack Hill (2 weeks), whilst Christoph Bart should be back in November, pending the outcome of his court case, after a man dressed as Zorro was spotted speeding away in Big Dom’s Land Rover Defender, with 5 naked women in the back singing along to Erasure.

Sam Churchyard is back in the first team squad for the first time this season, after he took his idea of baby fancy dress a bit too literally over the last couple of weeks, but Ed Atkins misses out after a theatre trip to Matilda on Tuesday, clearly not realising that new Head Coach, Mobbs is an avid Enid Blyton fan, and could not detest Roald Dahl more. Congratulations must go to our very own Eric Blewitt who has this week been invited to attend the upcoming Polish training camp in Warsaw. His recent performances certainly merit an International call up, and we know the proud Pole will relish pulling on the famous red and white jersey, no doubt with Big Trev in support.


Maids team (caps in brackets):

  1. Myke Parrott (c) (201)
  2. Dan Hostetler (3)
  3. Sam Rawsthorne (19)
  4. Chris Campbell (2)
  5. Sam Hallett (30)
  6. Andy Berry (24)
  7. Ross Muil (36)
  8. Dave Cole (44)
  9. Joe Parkin (3)
  10. Will Runciman (42)
  11. Scott Prince (54)
  12. Niall Crossley (25)
  13. Eric Blewitt (20)
  14. Mike Davies (36)
  15. Olly Foxley (16)
  16. Elio Mandozzi (14)
  17. Sam Churchyard (97)
  18. Will Cowan-Dickie (2)


Come on you Maids!