Maids v Bournemouth (home)

After a disappointing 39-7 loss away to Barnstaple last weekend, Maids face their sternest test yet this season, welcoming unbeaten Bournemouth to Braywick. Barnstaple must be congratulated for their convincing win a week ago, against a side decimated with unavailability and injury, but with no lack of effort, especially with exciting youngsters such as Owen Langstone, Elio Mandozzi and Myles Williamson, who all put their hands up in tricky circumstances.

Maids are boosted this week, with the returns of Andrew and Mark Darlington, Will Macaulay, Ed Keohane, Olly Foxley, Dylan Baptista and Adam Lubbock, all of whom missed the trip to Barnstaple last Saturday, and they’ll be hoping to emulate their recent success against Ivybridge, and inflict a first defeat of the season on their visitors. Coached by Will Croker, the Men from the South Coast lead the division by 11 points, winning all 11 games so far which makes them clear favourites for the title, and a return to National 2 South.

Whoever is in charge of recruitment down at Chapel Gate, needs a serious pay rise, after they managed to secure the services of Mike Pope (scrum half) from Cornish Pirates, Karim Lynch (full back) from Ampthill and also Joe Tarrant (front row) from Richmond in the summer, adding to their already impressive squad, which so nearly achieved promotion last season, just losing out to Guernsey Raiders in the play off.

This week, they arrive at Braywick missing skipper and number 8, Joe Rees, loosehead prop, Michael Davies, and also Karim Lynch, but no doubt there will be little drop in quality, such is the depth of their squad. The half-back pairing of Pope, and fly-half Adam Davies will be crucial to the high tempo rugby they play, and it will be no surprise to see the dangerous Sam Hardcastle come off the bench early, with Pope switching to 10. Upfront, flanker Ali Bennett replaces Rees at 8, whilst Hennings moves from second row to blindside flanker, with Manning taking over the hooking duties.

For Maids, there are multiple changes, as mentioned above, but one of the ‘constants’ over the last couple of months, is new scrum half Ceri Morgan, who joined the club over the summer. We took a few minutes to peer inside the warped world of the depraved chavvy Welshman…

 

Name: Ceri Morgan

 

Nickname(s) – “Ron Weasley”, “Harry Potter’s best friend”, “Hobbit”, “Siri”, “Ed Sheeran”, “Goblin”, “Cez”, “Chavvy Chase”.

 

Position(s) – Marching back 10 yards/opposition scrum half’s pocket.

 

Strengths – Confusing team mates, giving away penalties, being ginger, calling Levi “Leroy”, getting children’s train tickets, burglary.

 

Weaknesses – Speaking English, keeping my hair, passing, looks, accent, my ASBO.

 

Occupation – Educating England’s future generation- I tutor spliff-rolling, car theft and arson.

 

If you could be any of your teammates, who would you be and why? Denzel Baptista- he’s a unit, with a gorgeous complexion.

 

Which teammate would you least like to have over for dinner? Andy Berry, he once shouted at me for giving him a bad pass, I think he has ADHD/generic anger issues. He is no longer a fellow ginger.  

What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? Counting sheep, mountain walking, cutting off my tag, joy riding.

 

Tell us something we don’t know about you – I once won an Ed Sheeran look alike competition which Ed Sheeran competed in.

 

What aspirations do you have for this season? – give less than 10 penalties away per game, keeping my hair, promotion. 

 

Adam Lubbock has fully recovered from his bout of ‘Carbonara-colon’, which kept him out of last week’s game at Barnstaple, while new signing Dylan ‘Denzel’ Baptista returns to the squad after a 12-hour chest session last Saturday rendered him unavailable. Ed Keohane plays his last game in a Maids shirt this season, before his 6 month stay at HMP Walton for beating up Big Ron’s best mate outside a taxi earlier in the year, but unfortunately his Dad, Ted can only watch the first half- his bail conditions meaning he must return home before dark.

It’s a warm welcome back to ‘The Toe’, Andy Darlington, who makes his first Maids appearance since Exmouth, after he cut the nail too short on his left big toe, he will thankfully be joined in the front row by brother Mark, who can carry him through the game, and then help him get changed out of his rugby kit, and assist him with eating his dinner. Perry Jansen plays 3 consecutive games for the first time since under 9s, and Dave Cole will aim to avoid his 6^th straight ‘Puss of the Week’ award, and last longer than 6 minutes…

 

Bournemouth team:

1.       Tarrant

2.       Manning

3.       Firetto

4.       Leadbeater

5.       Roberts

6.       Hennings

7.       Russell

8.       Bennett

9.       Pope

10.   Davies

11.   Hancox

12.   Chislett

13.   Gleadowe

14.   Stewart

15.   Kirkpatrick

16.   Spikings

17.   Napier

18.   Hardcastle

Maids team (caps in brackets)

1.       M Parrott (c) (191)

2.       M Darlington (29)

3.       A Darlington (28)

4.       S Churchyard (84)

5.       A Berry (10)

6.       L Leonard (32)

7.       W Macaulay (43)

8.       D Cole (28)

9.       C Morgan (7)

10.   P Jansen (84)

11.   S Prince (41)

12.   E Keohane (112)

13.   N Crosley (10)

14.   D Baptista (2)

15.   O Foxley (7)

16.   L Jones (88)

17.   R Long (126)

18.   A Lubbock (11)

Come on you Maids!

Maids v Old Patesians (home)

Maids resume their South West campaign, via a welcome week off, off the back of a highly encouraging 26-10 victory away at Newton Abbot last time out, a game in which they played with a high tempo and accuracy rarely seen away from Fortress Braywick over the last couple of years. Despite an early injury to Andy Berry, who scored 2 tries in the opening 15 minutes, followed by the withdrawal of Rorie Hannigan before the break, due to a broken foot, Bolton’s side managed to restrict their normally free-scoring hosts to just the solitary try, and even when down to 13 men for the last 7 minutes, refused to allow their try line to be breached.

This week, we welcome our old Gloucestershire friends, Old Patesians to Braywick, who were promoted into South West Premier, off the back of a title-winning year last season in South West One. It’s been a tough start for Old Pats, and they currently sit rooted to the bottom of the table, winless after 9 games. However, recent results have improved for the Cheltenham boys- a close fought 35-41 loss to Exeter Uni, and a 4 try bonus point away at Exmouth illustrates they are no mugs, and just as Weston did earlier in the season, will arrive at Braywick pumped up, looking to turn the form book on it’s head.

New skipper George Angell misses out this week, and this loss in the back row is compounded by the recent departure of Scott Alldritt, who has left the country for a new job. However, Rich Hance will start at number 8- he is a strong ball carrier who will need shutting down early. Matt Dean will start in the number 10 shirt for Pats, with the imposing figure of Jackson Ellmers outside him at 12- a recent new signing from New Zealand.

For Maids, there are a few enforced changes, but one lad enjoying a consistent spell with the 1s recently, is the naughty little warthog Lewis Jones, who we spoke to for this weeks’ player interview…

 

Name- Lewis Jones

Nickname(s)- ‘Pumba’, ‘Lunchlady’, ‘LJ’, ‘Andrew Biggie Morris’, ‘Lunchy’, ‘Lunch Money Lewis’, ‘Calf-ton Palmer’, ‘The Weeble’.

Position(s)- Face down on Sharlene’s physio bed, but only after I’ve paid my subs, or she tells me to **** off.

Strengths- all you can eat buffets, excuses, getting kicked out of Whatsapp groups, finding truffles.

Weaknesses- all you can eat buffets, my calves, breaking off mauls and not scoring, food prep, food prep pictures.

Occupation- PE Teacher- the kids need to do as I say, not as I do.

If you could be any of your teammates, who would you be and why? Andy Darlo- I’d love to be as moody as him all the time.

Which teammate would you least like to have over for dinner? Niall Crosley- I’d end up knocking him out, but at least he’d forgive me.

What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? Counting calories, kit assistant for Abbey Ladies, supervising them change and EDL meet ups.

Tell us something we don’t know about you- I once spent 3 days in hospital with a suspected stomach tumour, but it was trapped wind.

What are your aspirations for this season? Play for the 1^st XV as much as possible, and make sure nobody finds the hidden camera in the Abbey Ladies’ changing room.

Now that ‘The Goblin’ has left the club, new scrum half Ceri Morgan takes over the mantle of ‘ugliest bloke’ in the squad, but at least he’s a nice lad with it, though nobody can understand a word he mumbles in his chav Welsh accent, whilst there’s a fellow new boy in the squad this week for Ellie Birch to get her teeth into, Dylan Baptiste. He’ll have to show some patience though, as Saturday night is date night, with new squeeze ‘Liam’, who is admittedly ‘just a bit of fun’, before she goes on another long holiday with her Dad, Big Ron, in January.

Since shouting at the squad after the Weston game for a lack of commitment, ‘BGB’, Andy Berry hasn’t been seen at training, and he takes a week off this Saturday to wash his car and mow his lawn- he is replaced in the squad by Mark Grimshaw, with Todd Muil starting in the row. Will Runciman has developed an over-dependency on Ali’s truncheon foam-roller, straining his MCL through excessive use, and is ironically replaced by the ‘snake-charmer’ Adam Lubbock at fly half. Elio Mandozzi keeps his place in the squad, despite his ‘artwork’ on the coach after his initiation, and Russ Bolton will be bringing his chalk board for him to play with whilst on the bench, so he can practise his shapes and colours.

 

The whole squad will be playing for fullback Tom Finnie this week, who has suffered the tragic loss of his Mum in the last week. Everyone pulling on a Maids shirt this week, will be doing so with the Finnie family in the forefront of their minds, aiming to put in a great performance and hopefully a win, for him and his family. We send our love and best wishes, and hope Tom can stay strong in this difficult period x

 

Old Pats team:

1.       Hart

2.       White

3.       Phillips

4.       Evans

5.       Jennings

6.       Howes

7.       Goggins

8.       Hance

9.       Knight

10.   M Dean

11.   J Aherne

12.   Ellmers

13.   Astley

14.   Spurrier

15.   Hathaway

16.   C Dean

17.   White

18.   O Aherne

 

Maids team (caps in brackets)

1.       M Parrott (c) (189)

2.       R Barber (25)

3.       L Jones (86)

4.       S Churchyard (82)

5.       T Muil (10)

6.       L Leonard (31)

7.       W Macaulay (42)

8.       D Cole (26)

9.       C Morgan (5)

10.   A Lubbock (10)

11.   S Prince (39)

12.   E Keohane (111)

13.   P Jansen (82)

14.   N Crosley (8)

15.   O Foxley (7)

16.   E Mandozzi (3)

17.   M Grimshaw (7)

18.   D Baptiste (debut)

Come on you Maids!

Maids v Newton Abbott (away)

Well, the less said about last week’s performance, the better. Fair play to Weston Super Mare, who turned up to Braywick, with an effective game plan, which was executed perfectly, and they deservedly won on the day. We wish them all the best for the rest of the season and have no doubt they will climb the table if they keep performing like that.

One of the best things about rugby, is being able to get back on the park a week later, and right some wrongs, which is exactly what Maids will be looking to do, as they travel to Newton Abbott. The ‘All Whites’ as they are known, have had a similar start to that of Weston this season- lots of close losses, but last week was a wake-up call, and all in the Maids camp know that nobody can be taken lightly in this league, especially a side featuring a former Premiership winner in Matt Jess, who is player/coach of the home side and very much a talisman for them. Former Plymouth Albion and Brixham fly half Tom Putt is likely to start, so discipline will be absolutely key for Maidenhead, as will the centre partnership of Hannigan and Keohane, who will be tasked with keeping Jess, and the dangerous Kevin Dennis at inside centre, quiet.

For Maids, this week sees new boy Niall Crosley revert to his favoured wing position, and he is the feature of this weeks’ player interview, where he took his sweet time to mumble some half-arsed answers for us;

 

Name: Niall Crosley

Nickname(s)- ‘Ginge’, ‘Naz’, ‘Rowan’, ‘Linebreak’, ‘Frank the Tank’, ‘Shiv’s punchbag’, ‘BGN’, ‘Beta Ginge’.

Position(s)- Fullback/Wing/Centre

Strengths- Initiations, taking punches, Johnny B Good, sun burn.

Weaknesses- Chat, linebreaks, dildo-hands, pre-game presentation, bus drivers, domestic abuse.

Occupation- Sitting in the office at London Irish in decent stash, listening to Ainsley Campbell talk garbage, wishing I’d got a proper coaching job.

If you could be any of your teammates, who would you be and why? Olly Foxley because he’s the real Alpha Male.

Which teammate would you least like to have over for dinner? Pumba, but if he knocks me out, I’ll forgive him.

What hobbies do you have outside of rugby? learning self-defence, asking Parrott about meet times and getting kicked off London buses.

Tell us something we don’t know about you- I have the current world record for amount of Pukka Pies eaten in 5 minutes (7.5).

What are your aspirations for this season? To make a linebreak, and help the team get promoted.

Big Don Birch enjoying his latest holiday

The Maids lads will be eagerly awaiting the identity of the coach driver tomorrow morning, and all are hopeful of the return of ‘Afghani Annie’, who did a sterling job on the way back from Exmouth, even stopping the bus on the motorway, to give the boys more time away from their WAGS. Big Don Birch is delighted with how his week has gone- after successfully getting parking tickets on the players’ cars and taking a cut from the council, he further boosted his coffers by selling lineout calls to Newton Abbott, and even managed to drive away Prinny for a few days by turning off the Becks.

Scott Prince is back in the 1^st XV, after guaranteeing that his Mrs would be present at all home games he features in, and there is also a return to the squad for Ed Keohane, whose new wife has already had enough of his incoherent mumblings on honeymoon, compounded by the hogging of the karaoke machine every night, for his renditions of ‘A Little Respect’. Ryan Long continues his absence from the squad, he is currently a contestant on BBC’s ‘The Apprentice’, where he hopes to convince Lord Sugar that his Maids RFC- themed nightclub coaches which only travel between Maids and Devon, are worthy of his investment. ‘Shuggs’ is receptive to the idea, but is struggling with Longy’s preferred method of communication, the shrug, something they are trying to overcome. Ted Keohane has had a cracking week on the terraces, storming the pitch at West Ham in a Scream mask, and then hitting Neil Lennon with a coin at the Edinburgh derby on Wednesday, he misses out on the trip to Newton Abbott, owing to bail conditions.

Everyone at the club would like to extend their sincere thanks to Tom King, who, after sustaining his latest in a long line of shoulder injuries, has taken the decision to retire from rugby. Since coming to Braywick last season, Tom has been a huge asset to Maids- his hard-hitting, no-nonsense approach to the game has seen him win multiple man of the match awards, and his contribution to the club off the pitch (mainly on the bus trips), has been highly entertaining. We have loved having Tom as part of the squad at Braywick, and just wish it had been for a little longer. We wish him all the best, and hope he comes down to support when he can. Always a part of the Maids family Kingy!

Maids team (caps in brackets):

1. M Parrott (c) (188)
2. M Darlington (28)
3. L Jones (85)
4. S Churchyard (81)
5. A Berry (8)
6. L Leonard (30)
7. W Macaulay (41)
8. D Cole (25)
9. C Morgan (4)
10. W Runciman (27)
11. S Prince (38)
12. R Hannigan (31)
13. E Keohane (110)
14. N Crosley (7)
15. O Foxley (6)
16. A Darlington (28
17. T Muil (9)
18. A Lubbock (9)

Come on you Maids!